Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Exit Stage Left: No More Intolerance



I am  gratefully acknowledging Jen aka Fox in the City by picking one question out of many to answer posed to me during last week’s 11 Questions blogging amusement:

Q: What is your customary order at Starbucks?
A:  Venti soy latte with an extra shot of espresso

I like caffeine, which explains the extra shot.  I am lactose intolerant, which explains the soy.  I have something to say about intolerance, which is why I chose the question.

in·tol·er·ance   [in-tol-er-uhns] noun
incapacity or indisposition to bear or endure

When one is intolerant to certain types of food, one needs to avoid these things in order to feel comfortable.  This is easy to understand.  If dairy makes me have terrible abdominal pain and results in distressing expulsions of gas, then by all means, I am going to deny myself dairy products. 

But what about emotional intolerance? 

I deal with my own emotional intolerance all the time and I am sure you do, too.   I can’t tolerate whining and complaining. Of course, I am intolerant to whining and complaining from my girls.  But I listen.  In these emotionally amped up expressions, my girls are telling me that they have needs that require expression and attention.  My job as a mom is to identify that the whining is a symptom of an inability to communicate effectively.  Simply stating, “Don’t whine,” doesn’t work.  That strategy negates the need, ultimately negating the person.  A better way to go about it is to say, “I hear you are whining.  Can you express your need in a different voice?”

See, needs are OK.  Whining is not.  And I want my girls to have the tools to get their needs met throughout life.  I want them to value their desires and know that their voices are of importance.  It’s in the delivery—not in the need itself.  I do not want them to be silenced.  I know what it is like to be scared into living as a mute.  And I won’t tolerate it for my girls.

Ok. That was easy.  Here's the hard part.

Right now I’m mad at my mom.  Like a teenager, I can’t stand her, don’t want to talk to her, and can barely bring myself to speak or even write about her in a mature manner.  Why?  Her actions continue to convey a lifetime of intolerance of me.  And it happened again this weekend.

She read Two Writing Prompts, a Bridge, and the Truth, wherein I expressed that I was struggling to write because I was afraid to express what was on my mind.  I wrote about childhood memories and my mom did not enjoy reading about them.  She sent a plethora of texts that were reactionary, hurtful, and expressed her intolerance of my truth and my expression of it.  It stunned me.  I felt like I was back in the throes of her insanity and had no control.  In one text she said (paraphrased), “Am I permitted to come see Sophia (my daughter) in the musical?”  This was followed by a few more texts in which she basically put me down and attempted to manipulate me into responding, then, “I am coming to the musical.”

I never responded.

She showed up to the musical with my niece, the daughter of my sister—the sister I haven’t spoken to in over three years.  Wow.  Was bringing my niece along a ploy to manipulate me into communicating with her?  An attempt to get me to pretend that everything was OK?  She used my daughter's performance as device of control, to employ her power over me, well-disguised as the picture of the supportive grandmother. 

What did she expect me to do? Greet her with happiness and gratitude for showing up at my daughter’s performance?  Well, I didn’t.  Because I’ve done it that way in the past only to have my voice silenced and my reality denied.  I wasn't willing to tolerate it.  

I could not bring myself to ignore my niece. I briefly spoke to her and my mother during intermission, but decided I wouldn’t stay after to socialize. I caught my daughter in the lobby of the theater after the show, and said, "Great job!  I'll be back to get you after your lunch with the cast."  She went merrily along to greet her dad and his family who also came to the performance.

At the time, I was uncertain if I made the right decision in leaving immediately after the show.  My niece, not understanding why I did not stay after the show to socialize, cried and my daughter was left feeling uncomfortable.  I know this because my daughter called from the theater and asked if something had happened. 

I felt so awful during our phone conversation.  How could I leave her alone to deal with my mother?  Luckily, seeing that I wasn't there, my mother and niece didn’t stay long.  Also, my daughter was shielded from the drama because she was surrounded by my ex-husband and his family who showered her with flowers and well-deserved accolades.  My mother wouldn’t dare say nor do anything in front of an audience that could witness and identify her manipulative emotional abuse.  Moreover, the victim she was looking for was me and not my daughter.  No victim in sight, no reason to stay.  And possibly, she had a moment of enlightenment, and realized that my niece's feelings needed to be spared.

I do not know what my mother did to console my niece.  The only thing I can come up with is that she probably chalked my absence up to rudeness and mental illness. You know, I don’t care what she said to my niece.  I just want my her to be OK.  I have no control over that and I struggle with it.  My niece should not have been permitted to accompany my mother to the performance.  Would I let my mother take my daughter anywhere near my sister in the guise of supporting my niece?  No.  You know why?  It’s not fair to put a child in the middle of an adult situation without protection and guidance.

Well, I digress.  And I am sure you are confused.  Wait.  What?  Daughter, niece, sister, mother.  Who did what?


Intolerance is the subject at hand.  You know why humans have trouble with intolerance?  They become most uncomfortable with things that remind them of their own pain.  And they will fight with all their might to avoid it, becoming intolerant of it.  Whatever "it" is.  Intolerance is fear-based.  And fear breeds harm.

I am experiencing my own fear at the moment.  I fear that this post will be misconstrued by some as an attempt to hurt my mother.  It is not.  This post is my declaration, that I am stopping the insanity, that I have become intolerant of intolerance of truth.

Truthfully, what can I conclude?  What can I tolerate?  I can tolerate this:

I have resolved to parent differently than I was parented.  I have resolved to keep my stuff separate from my daughters’ issues.  I have resolved to be tolerant of my girls' voices.  I have resolved to live in acceptance of my past and move on courageously without my mother.  

That was exhausting.

I really could use a venti soy latte with an extra shot of espresso.





 






photo credit: betsyjean79 via photopin cc
photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc
photo credit: Leo Reynolds via photopin cc

24 comments:

  1. Very, very well written. It must have been hard to articulate all of those feelings. I hope it helped, writing them down and thinking them out. I have a MIL relationship I would love to blog about but it would hurt too many people if I told the truth. Which is madness because I am hurt all the time from her actions! Anywaym great post. Mine is a soya latte too although without the extra shot - you are hardcore!!

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    1. It did help. Has lightened the load, so to speak. There is a fine line to walk in expressing truth and being hurtful. It's somewhat difficult to discern sometimes. Yet, I find I am paralyzed if I do not express it. I am very grateful for your comments and feedback.

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  2. You have earned that venti soy latte and more! This was a great post, brave and honest. My favorite line - It’s not fair to put a child in the middle of an adult situation without protection and guidance. I wish more people realized this. I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your mother and hope this doesn't get you more nasty texts. Awesome post from a great mom!

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    1. Breathing a sigh of relief for I was worried how this one would be received. Thank you for your words. I feel the sincerity in what you have written and it feels good. Thanks, thanks, thanks.

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  3. Very brave, very truthful. Very well written. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through and all that you've been through. Truly, truly.

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    1. Sincerely grateful for your time...in reading and responding...it means so much after one of those posts that leaves me feeling vulnerable.

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  4. I want to buy you that venti soy latte with an extra shot of espresso!! I'm so impressed that you are taking old family dynamics and evolving to a better place with your own kids. It's easy to get sucked back into negativity and shame over other people's intolerance. Stay strong. You sound like a pretty amazing person. Hopefully one day your mom will learn to value you for your gifts. And if she doesn't, she's really missing out. I hope you feel a ton of support from your friends (and fellow bloggers).

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    1. I feel it, I thank you, and I am grateful for taking the time to respond.

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  5. Extremely well written! It sounds like you handled things very well.

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    1. Thanks, Danielle. In hind sight, I wish I would have responded to the texts and said, "don't come". Then I would feel like the ultimate warrior. ;)

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  6. I can deeply relate to so much of this. That sentence "I have resolved to live in acceptance of my past and move on courageously without my mother" is so powerful. And you possess THAT power. Wishing you all the very best with these resolutions. I can learn a lot from you.

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    1. Your words words made me feel like Popeye right after he's eaten his spinach. That really feels good!

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  7. Ugh. Just ugh. Now I want a venti soy latte. And a magic mirror that reflects back to people when they are making selfish, harmful decisions so they can choose another path. And a way to hold your hand virtually so that once again you are not left standing alone.

    Powerful writing comes from deep dark places sometimes. It sounds like you are making decisions that are good for your daughters and you. Thank you for sharing them with all of us. All the best, Erin

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    1. "a way to hold your hand virtually so that once again you are not left standing alone." You have done so, and I am grateful. Thank you for accompanying me.

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  8. That was brave, honest writing. Your decisions sound well-thought out, smart and balanced. The latter being something I gather you did not get much as a child with the parenting you received. I hope writing all this down helps you down the right path of tolerance :)

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  9. I think you should get a cookie along with that latte. You are absolutely right: children should NOT be brought in as buffers or bargaining chips when adults are having conflicts. It's awful. Your ability to reflect and contemplate your own actions suggests that you're already moving waaay beyond the way you were parenting, bc it sounds like you're aware that your own needs might not always trump the needs of others (whoops, sorry, reflecting on my own stuff here, don't mean to project). Maybe you could try talking to your niece about what happened, if that seems appropriate - but regardless, what you've mapped out here and in other posts suggests a brave and honest parent who is doing right by her kids.

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  10. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. That type of emotional manipulation can be very upsetting and it was a cruel ploy to put your niece in the middle of it. There was no optimal way to handle the situation and I think you made a good choice. Of course your concern was your daughter and she was OK with her father, so that was a good decision.

    Oh, and as a fellow Lactose Intolerant person, do you take the pills? I find they help TREMENDOUSLY. If I don't take them, lights out for The Dude.

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  11. "They become most uncomfortable with things that remind them of their own pain." So well said and so true. I have noticed that those who are the most intolerant about an issue are often the ones (I later find out) who are participating in the intolerant act they despise. And you are right. Children should not be manipulated or put in the middle of adult issues. I wish more people realized that. This was a very brave and honest post.

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  12. Ooof, what an uncomfortable sucky situation. Your mom sounds like a master manipulator.

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  13. I'm sorry that you have such an experience with your mother. I'm no stranger to it either; my father is great at manipulating things and our relationship has been estranged in the past five years. It's always difficult to make a decision to stay away from someone when that person is our parent. There's always a conflicting need to give them the benefit of the doubt and also win their approval. However, as with my father, he never changes. So I can totally understand your decision regarding your mother, and I do recognize her actions (from the back-and-forth phone calls to bringing your niece to your daughter's performance).

    I admire you for your stance regarding this issue. That despite your situation with your mother, you're resolved to make sure that your children are not involved.

    Great post, as always.

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    1. Sweaty, one of your first posts that I read was the one you wrote about your father. Your courage and honesty has inspired me, to not only write about this stuff, but also to be proactive. I do not think I am doing everything perfectly, but I know that being surrounded by people like you in the blogosphere gives me the encouragement I need to try.

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  14. You are an amazing mom and a very strong woman. Not only are you doing it differently you are doing it better. You did the hardest thing that anyone can do...you didn't acknowledge and you were the bigger person. That takes strength and inner confidence. This is tough stuff. You know what you want and you have amazing expectations for your children. They are lucky!!! -LV

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    1. The support here amazes me and keeps me going. Thank you.

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  15. Kimberly - Question 1 - does your mom read this? I ask because I can't talk about mother issues on my blog - as they read every. single. word.

    Question 2 - did writing this make you feel better? I hope so, and just want to tell you you wrote it beautifully.

    Good job with a painful subject.

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