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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The Kingdom of Heaven Belongs to Such as These



In 2002, I was married, had two small children--ages two and four, lived in a beautiful suburb in northern California, and was a stay-at-home mom.  The executive salary of my husband afforded me the luxury to not only support my daughters’ development and the upkeep of our home, but also allowed me to delve into my own personal journey of healing from child sexual abuse.  It was a tricky time.  As my daughters grew into the ages I was when I was abused, I experienced agitation, nagging discomfort, and fear.  I did not allow the distress to obstruct my ability to parent, nor did it impede my willingness to be present with my girls.  However, I built walls around my true self—the scary stuff that surfaced unexpectedly sending me to my immaculately clean floors, sobbing in the fetal position.  These moments were not shared or witnessed by anyone.

In my quest to rid myself of penetrating pain, I contemplated seeking refuge in the Catholic Church.  I was raised Catholic, but had sinned so much I was wrought with guilt, uncertain if the Church would have me.

I went to my local parish inquiring about receiving Confirmation, the Sacrament I skipped the year my parents got divorced.  I joined the adult formation group, completed my lessons, and was Confirmed a short time later.  I was fully welcomed and my doubts about acceptance were diminished.  To parish leaders, I was the picture of the prodigal daughter, returned to be blessed and filled with grace to carry on the mission of the Church—a picture of perfection:  married with children and with money and time to donate.

I wanted to work with children and volunteered as a leader of Faith Formation which charged me with teaching doctrine to middle school aged students.  I enjoyed it.  The kids were lively and passionate about learning.  And they were at the age wherein they had not yet formed staunch opinions.  Everything was still open for debate.  My time with them was invigorating and challenging.  I was feeling fulfilled and full of the Spirit.

Then the sexual abuse scandal in Boston broke in the media.  I was horrified.  But because I was a survivor of child sexual abuse, I was hopeful.  I saw it as a chance for the Church to be an example for their most beloved cause, the family.  It was an opportunity to come clean, to turn over known abusers to law enforcement, and to confess their sins of cover-up.  It was a pivotal moment.  In my opinion, child sexual abuse was an acutely denied and concealed family crisis striking many.  I thought, if the Church could set the example of unveiling the secrecy, it would provide a vast amount of people an opportunity to heal.

But no, it would not be.  Today, in 2012, the Church still grapples with the law and its victims, attempting to maintain the facade of power and perfection.  But I am not alone in seeing through it.  
On March 12, 2012, the New York Times reported, “In September 2011, human rights lawyers and victims of clergy sexual abuse filed a complaint urging the International Criminal Court in The Hague to investigate and prosecute Pope Benedict and three top Vatican officials for crimes against humanity for what they described as abetting and covering up the rape and sexual assault of children by priests.”

On April 5, 2012, the Washington Post reported, “. . . Jackson County judge in Kansas City denied several motions to dismiss misdemeanor charges against the Roman Catholic bishop, Robert Finn and his diocese. Finn is the highest-ranking U.S. church official criminally charged with shielding an abusive priest.”
The scales of justice are beginning to shift and I ask, "Why does the Church continue to feel as if it is  above the law?"

Christ appointed Saint Peter to be the first leader of the Church.  His successors not only forgot what they were called to do, but greatly departed from Jesus’ message to lift up and protect His children.  Instead, they protected perpetrators.  The harboring of criminals continues today.   If Jesus, who upon which the Church was founded, suddenly showed up in the middle of Rome, he would destroy the Vatican, just as he destroyed the temple. 

I no longer wish to be part of the Church as I was in 2002.  Because I am divorced, I am not fully welcomed and I do not need the help identifying my imperfections.  I no longer require the validation to be spiritually full.  Even amidst the Church's betrayal of their victims, I was able to continue my own process of healing.  I walked to Golgotha and was crucified in order to come to terms with my authentic self.  In resurrection, I am not lifted up into Heaven, but am called to walk the road to Calvary again and again.  The words from the jeering crowd sting.  But I know being a voice for the abused is worth the quake.  My greatest pain I have already survived.

Now I say to the Church, be brave.  It is not too late to be honest and it only takes courage to come clean.  You can be the example the world needs in order to perpetuate truth and healing.  If you stay the course, your victims are betrayed just as Jesus was betrayed by his friend the night he was arrested. Child sexual abuse casualties hang upon a cross constructed by you.  Your leader, Pope Benedict XVI, should remove the nails that keep them bound, wash their wounds just as Jesus washed the feet of his friends, and then resign.  I suggest he then consider a name change—Judas Iscariot. 




photo credit: Giampaolo Macorig via photopin cc
photo credit: Nick Atkins Photography via photopin cc


Update: On February 11, 2013, Pope Benedict XVI announced he will resign on February 28, 2013, due to advanced years and infirmity.

50 comments:

  1. What a substantive post. I love reading about your journey. That must've been a real shock for you (and for all the survivors) to hear of all of the cover-ups in the Church. Thanks once again for being so open and honest.

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    1. Thank you, Ado. Not too long ago, in the early days of Sperk*, I read about your journey and am continually inspired by it. You are in this post...you are part of my journey.

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  2. Taking responsibility and committing to making it right would set an unbelievably good example for the rest of the world. I would love to see that happen. That would definitely put this cynic in her place.

    I'm sure you'll see it but Mommy Padawan has a post about abuse on Erica's grid today, too.

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  3. What a fascinating journey. It's amazing when your kids get to the age you were when something awful happened and you suddenly realize how small and innocent you really were. So much to think about here; well done.

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    1. Thank you, Louise. It is funny, in some ways I feel I have alwys been the same size and age...children reminding that I, too, was once small in size and impressionable of the mind. They are our call to look within and to heal.

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  4. Incredibly powerful post! I'm so sorry you have had to walk this road but thank you for being one of the survivors who will NOT be silent!

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  5. Oh, Sperk, you are the best onion ever in the most wonderful way and you share yourself so freely with your readers. This piece has heart and brains, teeth and salve. I am sorry that you were a victim of abuse and then further victimized by a church that can't be honest. Beautiful, honest piece, Erin

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    1. "heart and brains, teeth and salve." thank you. I am tattooing these words on my heart.

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  6. What a powerful and important post. I am so sorry that you have had to survive so much, but am in awe of your strength at sharing your journey.

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  7. Anyone, whether person or institution, who covers up or allows sexual abuse to take place should be...well, to be honest, I don't have words for what should happen to them. I am so sorry for what happened to you. I have no doubt your bravery to speak out is giving others the courage to seek the help and support they need.

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  8. As ever, Sperk, an honest and open, thoughtful post. To speak openly about our experiences is to take action against the perpetrators. In terms of the Vatican, maybe its time to consider a younger Pope, someone more open-minded. Though that barely scratches the surface of the changes necessary to expunge the crimes. I'm not sure what the followers believe in anymore. The great majority must feel ashamed in their leaders.

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  9. Personal experience, knowledge, sources, and intelligence... a perfect post. Love, will tweet a link. xoxo

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    1. Thank you for the support, Aubrey. I appreciate the tweet.

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  10. how is it I feel I've known you in the deep places for a long time? I would really love to talk with you further to find out your history here, your views on faith now, and where you feel this leading you in your life now. I'm on a journey such as this myself. I've been looking for people on the road.... tpohlkotte@att.net

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  11. So true. As a lapsed catholic myself, I hear you.

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  12. Kim, this is so beautifully written, brave and powerful. I'm so glad you continue your journey of healing without the church and I love this line: I no longer require the validation to be spiritually full. Amen to that! I think the sexual abuse scandal has rocked the church and affected some of the faithful....but not enough. If there is any tolerance or support for these "men of God" who victimize children, we still have a way to go as a society. This kind of mistreatment should never be allowed or dismissed by any man, priest or pope. I'm so sorry for your hurt and past abuse and so admire your strength. This is an amazing piece, thank you for sharing this part of your journey with us.

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    1. Thank you and you're welcome, and thank you for sharing your story, too. Our connection becomes more meaningful to me everyday.

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  13. Thank you for sharing your experience. I too had similar experiences, and cannot return to the church I was raised in for similar reasons. I have found God and solace in other places, and continue to walk the path of healing.

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  14. very well written.
    i'm sorry you've had to go through that- especially at such a young age.
    thank you for sharing your story

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  15. brave post, brave voice...and more should be raised against what's happening (and not happening) in the church. It shouldn't be only survivors of child sexual abuse who speak out but all of us: if cannot keep the most helpless among us safe, then haven't we failed as a society? I've been re-reading Philip Pullman's brilliant trilogy, His Dark Materials, in which he challenges every precept about the church and its authority - they're wonderful books and speak to the necessity of challenging the abuses of power wherever we find them.

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  16. I applaud you for your honesty and openness, especially as a survivor of abuse.

    Honestly, I do not know what I believe anymore. As a Catholic who joined a rather open and family orientated parish and believes the majority of the basic tenants of the faith, I find myself conflicted. Does my participation demonstrate some sort of pass for the horrible behavior they concealed? Is this the right environment to raise my children or should I find a different place of worship? Your posts examining faith have led me to continue to question my own beliefs and actions.
    Thank you.

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  17. Very powerful. Protecting people who hurt children is not holy. It is time for everyone to stand up, past time. Beautifully written, and important.

    This is one of many reasons I rejected the faith I was raised with. God may not let me down, but people do - in his name. And so I've walked away from it all. I listen to my heart, not to any man.

    Very brave of you to share what must be a painful journey for you too!

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  18. I'm so sorry you had abuse as a child. It's sickening every time I hear about a child in those circumstances. Religion is supposed to give a person a sense of belonging, comfort and safety. I'm glad that you have been able to regain that feeling as an adult. There are so many 'extras' in organized religion that seem to pull people away from what really matters in life.

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  19. Your honesty continues to inspire me, Kimberly. I'm glad you found your path. I hope the Church does too.

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  20. Wow. I wasn't raised Catholic but I can understand how you feel. I certainly know healing from child sexual abuse. Have you seen my doc? Making that film confirmed my faith and made me see how to bring that faith to the streets, outside of corrupt churches when you need to - like a blog!

    I'm glad you wrote this and shared it. You speak for many.

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    1. I watched the trailer to the doc over and over just last Saturday. The day before Easter? Cried many tears. Followed with a good dose of, "I love you, squish" which I put into practice at least once a day since viewing. You certainly were successful at bringing the faith to the streets, to the blogosphere. I am looking forward to viewing the entire film.

      Grateful for your presence in this world.

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  21. I'm so sorry that you experienced that. It takes courage to write about it. Thank you for sharing.

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  22. What a courageous and powerful post. I grew up going to church and I still go once in a while, but my beliefs around it have changed.
    Keep using your voice. We need it. All of us.

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    1. Heidi, your story at Fancy Feet has been quite impactful and I sincerely appreciate your words here. Thank you.

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  23. So much courage here and I have walked beside you in some ways. I grew up Catholic was abused and have drifted from the church but not from my faith. If only there would be courage from the church to admit that things are wrong, that they are not perfect, that changes could be made that might help make up for past hurts whether they were physically inflicted by the church or emotionally inflicted by judgement. Always thought-provoking and full of strength, thanks for sharing your story.

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    1. Thank you for letting me know that you are walking beside me. The less unique we are, the more freedom we have to be ourselves.

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  24. Very powerful. I haven't been able to re-engage with the Church since these awful events were made public. I can't feel like part of a community that doesn't demand more action from its leaders.

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    1. Thank you. It truly is puzzling...the acceptance of the unacceptable.

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  25. You have wowed me again this week with your truth and your writing. My mil is a staunch Catholic and will never give up her fight for us to join the Catholic church. (my husband joined the Episcopal church after we got married, and our children have all been baptized there.) Every church has problems, but I feel the Catholic church has abused its power and its people for hundreds of years. Your piece does an excellent job highlighting one of its biggest problems. How the Pope could offer protection to perpetrators over children stripped of their innocence is beyond me.

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  26. The cover up and scandal was a turning point for me too. I had already experienced some rather disturbing incidents within the Catholic church and this was just the rosary bead that broke the nuns back for me. My father and my inlaws are staunch Catholics and will never stop harrassing us to go back to the church. I have a strict no religion, no politics policy in place for family events.

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  27. This was a great piece. There's a lot of good stuff here. Very well written.

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  28. I am so sorry for your painful past but you've addressed it so clearly and you deserve a pat on the back for that! It seems so obvious what the church should do ... why is it not being done is unnerving to me. Well written, Sperk! Kudos!

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  29. I have to deal with my in-laws and their sort of 'forced Catholicism' every single time we see them. I'm not religious. My husband stopped practicing years before I met him.

    My problem is how they insist my son is going to go to hell because of us. Thanks. Nice religion you got there. Besides they pick and choose what they want to 'enforce'. For instance, my MIL is my FIL's third wife. That's right. He's twice-divorced. Pretty sure that's not allowed. I don't want to condemn a whole group of people based on the bad seeds, there are some clear benefits to belonging to a church but I just don't want to choose that for myself. Shouldn't that be ok?

    I applaud your efforts in bringing your story to light. I know it must be terribly hard for you and such a sensitive subject where so many people are concerned. Know that there are those of us who support you wholeheartedly in your continuing strength in writing these stories. Above all, stay you. *hugs*

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    1. I am sorry you are going through this. Of course you know your son is not going to hell because you are not raising him Catholic. I sense your frustration, and anger, with the hypocrisy in selective following of doctrine. I once had a friend tell me that if my infant died before I had her baptized, she would go to hell. Friend believed I should have her baptized right away...I waited until it was convenient for my entire family. Strange. Washing the sins away of someone who just entered the world. What did she have time to do that would cause her to be ineligible for entrance into heaven? This stuff makes me angry. I am grateful for your support and stand firm. ;)

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  30. Thank you for being so open. It's not easy and I give you a lot of credit, Kimberly. This is a very thought-provoking piece, regardless of what religion the reader is.

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    1. Very true. The abuse of power is universal to all institutions. I appreciate your support, Dude. TY

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  31. Great post, Kimberly!
    I left the Catholic Church a long time ago. They have always been very much "do as i say, don't do as I do". I don't know if the priest in our town ever molested any kids himself, but the way I knew him I was always disgusted by him - his solution to every confessed sin was to donate money, his punishment for kids not going to church on Sunday was to spend the whole hour of religious education in school standing in a corner... the list goes on.
    The Catholic Church is currently running TV commercials on Canadian television, urging their "sheep" to come home to the church. I have to change the channel when those commercials come on.

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    1. Thanks for your comment Kerstin. The sheep will be slaughtered. Oh, my stomach turns.

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  32. I read this back in April when you first published it and I have no explanation for why I didn't comment except I didn't think I could say it any better than Erin did.
    This piece is powerful and honest and needs to be put out there, again and again. Ellen

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    1. Thanks, Ellen. I always love seeing you here. It means so much to me, really.

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  33. Ellen and I are stalking each other on the blogs. Glad I read this again. There is always room for hope and chances for redemption, right? I am happy to be alive to watch how this story plays out. Erin

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    1. Yes, yes, there is always hope. There are no absolutes in religion, it's mystical and about faith and should evolve. I think there is a deep and unhealthy need for certainty that causes the cover-up of crimes against humanity. And faith is not certain. It's vulnerable, which is why it's good. Love springs from vulnerability.

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