No one has asked if I have ever been on a hot air balloon ride.
I wonder why?
Maybe it’s a question that belongs in the middle atmosphere
of relationship development—a place I tend to skip, traveling directly from the
troposphere up to the heights of the ionosphere?
Maybe my swift ascent into too much self-disclosure
turns people off? Then, they forget the
middle-atmospheric question about the hot air balloons.
As we know from Altman and Taylor’s social penetration theory, getting to know someone requires self-disclosure in steps, starting with
a little and ending with a lot. Altman and Taylor think intimate relationships can develop in no other way.
The tough thing is, self-disclosure begets
vulnerability. Vulnerability brings discomfort.
If I choose to dive into discomfort and tell, and it turns
out well, or, it is reciprocated, then it’s a victory.
Contrarily, if I choose to sink into discomfort and it bites
me on the ass . . . hopefully there are thick enough Band-Aids to absorb all
the blood oozing from my bleeding cheek.
Contrarily to the contrary, if I choose to disclose nothing
at all, I end up alone, isolated, and living in my own head, spinning in my
imaginary world of wondering what others think of me:
Am I too fat?
Am I too dumb?
Do I seem too old?
Do they know I am broken and afraid?
And when it seems others are okay with my brokenness, it all comes pouring out, in one swift wave of self-disclosure. Too much, too soon, off they run. I float dangerously in the upper atmosphere, alone.
And when it seems others are okay with my brokenness, it all comes pouring out, in one swift wave of self-disclosure. Too much, too soon, off they run. I float dangerously in the upper atmosphere, alone.
. . . sexual abuse is probably the most emotionally loaded inhibitor to communications and the surrounding atmosphere of trust and equality that must exist for intimacy to occur. Amid the psychological aberrations of the survivor's world are two key concepts whose mixture acts as a formidable barrier to successful interpersonal communication and, therefore, intimacy. These bywords for the unconscious dysfunction of the survivor of sexual abuse are trust and secrecy. (Engle, 1991)
I once lived in Clinton, New Jersey, in a nice condo with a husband and a baby. Behind the sparkling, sprawling, new living community, off in the distance, I regularly saw hot air
balloons being launched into the lower bit of the sky.
I have never been on a hot air balloon ride. Have you?
"Altman and Taylor think intimate relationships can develop in no other way." - Hhmm, do you agree with this? Relationships, especially close ones, are so personal I think they can develop in different ways depending on the individuals involved. Is there a wrong or right way? I've been guilty of maybe divulging too much too soon as well but what's the time table? It's all relative and scary and really cool. And better than being alone (to me). :) Maybe it's just finding someone who just connects and understands. Ok, sorry for the long comment - it was such a great post, you made me really think! Love you insights, writing and heart!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts, Anna. You bring up some thoughtful points. There are other theories on developing relationships, in the scholarly sense. But I have to agree with your human-sense of things. It is relative. We learn along the way. The ones still around, old and new...the ones that understand it is a process and a journey...those are the keepers. xo
DeleteI believe if you spill it all in the beginning and the other person doesn't respond well, then it wasn't meant to be. If they get it - great! You don't have to worry what will happen when they find it all out. I think it saves time and trouble for everyone.
ReplyDeleteI love the way you craft your stories and how they make me think. I'm now pondering how crafting relationships goes along the same lines of pacing a story. What do you think of that parallel since you sparked (sperked) my imagination? Ellen
ReplyDeleteWell, thanks. Thinking is a good thing to do and we, as moms, seldom get to do so, unless, of course, we are lying awake in bed at night. ;) I really like your parallel of the development of relationships to development of stories and never thought of it that way. So many analogies come to mind...how it is dreadful to come to the end of a great book--ending a relationship is certainly similar. Now you have me thinking! ;)
DeleteMy general lack of filter lends itself to over sharing and my desire to avoid too much intimacy causes me to make nearly everything into a joke do I'm screwed on both fronts ;). If there's only one way to build intimacy, it seems pretty hopeless since my approach is more of an unplanned stair step of over sharing and deflection. I think of it like wine - some people have a taste for it, some don't.
ReplyDelete"general lack of filter ... desire to avoid too much intimacy..." I can relate to that and love your comment.
DeleteI really liked this piece. That's the trick, isn't it? To figure out that line between too much and not enough. I think the party trick is to recognize pretty early on in our relationships who will just let us be ourselves and tell our stories at our pace.
ReplyDeleteI have been in a relationship with my husband for almost 19 years and we are still learning new things about each other. I like that. I like that we give each other time. No big gulps with us. We savor the small sips. My sister, on the other hand, has a great relationship with her husband and they are big gulpers for sure. There is no one size fits all relationship, but I really believe that if you find someone who will just let you be you it all works out. See? You got me thinking too. Great piece. Erin
I have been on a hot air balloon ride! Over Mount Rushmore, no less. Even though I get motion sick easily, I was fine during that ride and it is quite amazing, yet not as thrilling as going up really high...
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's the same with relationships?
Do you prefer people know your whole story or not? Full disclosure or little steps?
I tend to be the full disclosure kind of girl myself and it can go either way, as you probably know.
However, I am fine with only having few relationships, that's what makes me feel safe. And even though I may disclose too much too soon, the trust takes A LONG TIME, like really long for me to build.
I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog and I am so glad we connected!