As part of my plight to thwart depression, I have committed to blogging every day. I have not come out with an official public announcement regarding this pledge because typically, when I broadcast what I’m going to do, I don’t do it. Then I am left with evidence of my failure—that evidence being an audience and my blog.
There is nothing worse than the sting of your daughter
saying, “Mom, you never do anything you say you’re going to do. You don’t do anything, with the exception of
Sperk*. You do that.”
Yeah. She said it.
No. It’s not true. I
do a lot of other things besides Sperk*.
I refrained from going into a raging rant about how there is
always food on the table and asking her where she thought that came from.
I refrained from asking her what she might think her life
without a devoted mother may look like.
I just said, “Yeah, it’s probably too late for me to become
the famous female music conductor I always wanted to be.”
She had a twinkle in her eye as she said, "That would have been perfect for you. You could act crazy and everyone would politely laugh at your jokes, you know, because of the formal environment. Everyone is always polite to the conductor."
Where was this coming from?
So what if I haven’t finished redecorating her room, a
project I started two summers ago. She
changes her mind about what she wants every two days.
So what if I haven’t gotten a job teaching at a
preschool. Yes, I finished my degree in
early education almost a year ago, but even though I love babies, I don’t want
to change diapers for $8 an hour.
Then I announced to her that I wanted to go back to school and possibly get my teaching license.
She said, “Well, you know you’ll have to be a substitute first
if you go for teaching. They call in the
morning for that, you’d never be able to get ready.”
She was right. I would
never be able to get ready.
She went on, “Plus, you’d be that substitute everyone
hates. The one who is excited to be
there, the one who is excited about learning.”
She was right. I am
excited about learning.
This week I’m learning to be patient with my depression and her adolescence.
This week I am learning that I actually do the things I say I am going to do. Here's the proof: you are reading post #4 on day #4 of blogging every day.
So there.
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Wow, good for you for blogging every day! That is a challenge I have yet to accomplish so big props for that! Teenagers (or mean-agers as someone I know calls them) can sure be harsh at times. I know they figure us moms can take just about anything but we are human too. I'm glad you're feeling better, able to write so often and learning to be patient with my depression and her adolescence. The world needs teachers who are excited about learning and being there too :)
ReplyDeleteOops - I meant patient with your depression!
DeleteThanks, Anna. She was in good spirits when she said those things and was not meaning any harm. If I was in a place of confidence, it would have "sounded" different. I liken it to when one of them (my daughters)points out my gray hair. They just call it like they see it. Always grateful for your support. ;)
DeleteGo you!! Post #4 on day #4 is awesome.
ReplyDeleteI have trouble finishing things I start and not always following through, so I'm especially impressed with you doing it.
Depression sucks. I hope today is a day full of light for you.
Thanks, Tracie. It was a good day, not one of perfection, but that means working to make things a little better today. You brought some light with your comment and I appreciate it.
DeleteI too have the follow through issue...except with blogging and writing funny how that is. But here we are. We're still here. And thank God and the Unicorns for that. Peace.
ReplyDeleteOh, Unicorns are just lovely. I always picture them with glitter and sparkles which is happy for sure. ;)
DeleteOh my gosh...I read your post and felt like I was reading about me. I have never finished anything I started. I'm trying to be better at that but my depression usually kicks my @ss and I give up. Good for you for blogging 4 days out of 4! Its a start! The most important thing though is that you are willing to be patient. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite things about blogging is the, "No way, me too!" factor. It does wonders for allowing us to make connections and helping us to discover that we aren't alone.
DeleteI feel the same way about saying things out loud. It's like as soon as I say "I'm going to ..." I just put a death sentence on my plan ... your daughter sounds as precocious as my nine year old ... who is always putting me in my place ... but in a nice way :)
ReplyDeleteYes, she is very observant. It's one of the things that makes her so darn smart and I wouldn't change it for the world.
DeleteGood for you! You go! Don't listen to your daughter. They are all self-involved (not their fault-just the way it is). But if you want something you can do it. I think substituting would be good - you don't need a teaching degree to do it at least in my state so you could do it while going to school & get a good feel for what you are getting into. I worked in a preschool for a while and, yes, the pay is low, but I did it just to have a job while my kids were little. It was the only job I thought I could do while still being a mother.
ReplyDeleteIt's me - One Funny Motha. I signed in wrong.
DeleteI actually wouldn't mind changing diapers or anything else involved with caring for young children. It's one of those "excuses" I use. . .I'm going to check into substituting here. Thanks for the great idea.
DeleteWhen I was just becoming an entitled shitheel teenager my mom had to get a part time job to pay the bills. I was really angry with her about it. Fast forward to life, I'm paying my own bills, and I am sometimes frozen with guilt over being so aggressively wrong and ignorant. It's only now that I understand that I was pretty terrified at not having my mom around all the time. There's really nothing that could've been done, I was too bullheaded to understand it any different. Sometimes being a good mom means trusting your kids to be decent and understanding in the long term even though it might be really ugly in the short. And people often forget that most of life as kids and teens is you reacting to impulses and fears you have no control or even awareness of. The outside world is bonkers, but being a kid is super confusing without any of that. Life's tough, following ones inspiration is an invaluable thing to see first hand. You do that, they will too, even if they're pissy about it.
ReplyDeleteVery insightful, well said, and very much appreciated.
Delete~Kimberly
Just be who you are, Kimberly. If you miss a day, so be it. You are doing the best you can.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Dude. You're awesome.
DeleteI'm with Dude of the House - just be who you are. And you are enough. Oh, the pressure we put on ourselves to be and do everything. It's exhausting. I know I don't know you well, but I know enough to say I enjoy you so much and that you are one fabulous, wise lady.
ReplyDeleteComing from a fabulous lady like you, well, that all just made me smile.
Delete