Steubenville Can Be Prevented

It was mid-December when I first heard about the horrific gang rape of an unconscious high school female.  She was repeatedly sexually assaulted by drunken, egomaniacal, high school football players that she knew in Steubenville, Ohio.  In her lifeless state, she was dragged from party to party where many witnesses, including adults, did nothing to stop the assaults.  Some involved posted their crimes on social media and thankfully someone saw it.  Even though the female prosecutor in Steubenville told the victim not to press charges because it would cause her more trouble than she needed, the organization Anonymous ran with the story.  Recently, two of the perpetrators were brought to justice but not without retaliation on Facebook towards the victim.

When I first heard about Steubenville, I could not bring myself to write about it. It was too close to home for me.  I grew up very close to Steubenville, in a small, Rust Belt, Ohio town that put football players on a pedestal.  When I was in high school I got drunk one night and was taken advantage of by a football player while another football player stood by and did nothing.  The entire school found out about it.  My reputation from then on was diminished.  I felt shame.  I felt I was at fault.

Several years later in my adult life, that football player admitted his wrong-doing and apologized to me.  Yet, to this day, I struggle with the though of how I could have prevented it.  

Even though my situation was different than that of the victim in Steubenville, I feel for her.  I know a bit of that pain, alienation, and shame.  

I know the anger and I am angry for her.  Angry at the Steubenville community.  Angry at the kids who stood by and allowed it to happen.  Angry at the adults who supplied alcohol and/or did nothing to stop the partying.

I am also afraid.  Afraid for a society that continues to blame the victim, claiming she was a “slut” and deserved to be raped.  I’m afraid of the sympathy offered to the perpetrators, a sign of the entitled male code that is tightly woven within our culture.

Mostly, I am afraid for my daughter who is a freshman in high school.

There are many aspects and layers to the tragedy in Steubenville that need to be addressed: the culture of football, violence towards women, shaming women who have sex, etc.  It’s overwhelming.

What can I do?

As a mother of a daughter who is a freshman in high school, I can begin at home.

So, I have been been discussing Steubenville with my daughter a lot.

She doesn’t like the subject matter.  When I bring it up, she usually says something like, “Oh no, not this again.”

Topics surrounding Steubenville that we have discussed have been drinking, sex, social media and what constitutes labeling someone as a “slut.” 

These are all heavy topics, topics which lend themselves to me sometimes lecturing rather than listening, so I understand her unwillingness to discuss the situation.  But I won’t back down.  One of the main problems or causes of Steubenville was lack of parenting.

These topics aren’t easy to address with our children.  Some, maybe most, parents simply don’t address these issues out of fear.  And yes, I can tell you from experience that these matters are scary to bring up.  But we can’t guide our children safely to the doorstep of adolescence and simply stop parenting because we are afraid.  When we stop parenting we fail them.  Small incidents turn into crimes because our children have not had the opportunity to discuss these issues.  They’ve been denied the opportunity develop skills to handle difficult situations.

The Label of Slut

One of the most interesting things I have found out by discussing Steubenville with my daughter is the conundrum of the “slut.”  Before I go any further, I need to state that I detest the term and am only using it because it is relevant to the circumstances.

When Steubenville first came up in December and I brought it to the attention of my daughter she seemed unmoved.  I’m not certain, but it seemed she had heard the victim was a “slut.”  So, I asked, “If the victim was one of your friends, how would you feel?”

She said, “I would be really very upset.”

Therefore, we had to discuss this whole “slut” business.

As I said, I don’t like the word.  And within my daughter’s high school community, I don’t understand the use of the word at all.

One definition of “slut” is an offensive term for a woman thought to be sexually promiscuous.

OK.  I get the definition.  What I don’t get is how the kids in high school--in Steubenville and in my daughter’s high school--determine which promiscuous female is awarded the label “slut.”

My daughter has confirmed and has even been upset by the fact that the popular girls at her school are sexually promiscuous.  But are they “sluts” or are they “popular?”  In her school, they are not one in the same.  Does a female’s popularity keep her from being labeled “slut,” and if so, why?

About a year ago her school community labeled a student a “slut” for being involved in giving her boyfriend oral sex.  It got so bad that the girl changed schools because her reputation became too much for her to handle.  To my knowledge, the boyfriend was not labeled anything and is still a student at the school—an example of that destructive, mysterious and acceptable male code.

However, remember, my daughter has confirmed that the popular girls in her school do have sex, but do not deal with an undesirable reputation.  What makes them different?

I’m not sure of the answer.  It could be socioeconomics.  It could be determined by which group the females associate with and how much social status the group has within the school.

Let's be real.  Teens have sex regardless of social or socioeconomic status.  And regardless of social or socioeconomic status, having sex does not mean one is a “slut”.  

The labeling, name-calling, and bullying of teens who have sex is a destructive micro-cultural phenomenon that has been used as a device to create social hierarchy in high schools and it perpetuated by parents, teachers and administrators who do not address the issue.

The negative connotation of being labeled a “slut” is so bad that during the Steubenville case it was posted on social media by several people--students and adults--that the victim deserved to be raped because she was a “slut.” 

Labeling one as a “slut” is a power move has nothing to do with sex.  Such is rape.  It’s about power, not sex.

This power-play usage of the word "slut" (and words like it, as in whore) is incredibly damaging.  Those labeled as "sluts" feel shame and feel trapped into behavior they may not even like or be comfortable with.  Those doing the labeling are not only hypocrites, but are also getting their need for power fed that can can never be satisfied.

When I have talked to my daughter about it it's tricky.  She struggles with wanting to fit in with the popular crowd.  She struggles with wanting to be noticed by boys.  In anger, in a way to gain her own power, I could see her labeling someone as a “slut.”  Meaning, I understand from where it derives, but that doesn't make it OK.

I’m not sure I’ve persuaded her that labeling promiscuous females as “sluts” is very wrong.  But I’m getting there.  And I urge every parent of a teen to have such conversations with their children.

Alcohol

The victim and the perpetrators in the Steubenville tragedy were drinking to the point of intoxication.  In my own high school experience wherein I was taken advantage of by a football player, I was drunk.  I know for certain that the absence of alcohol would have prevented my situation.  It seems the absence of alcohol could have prevented Steubenville, too.

Where did the alcohol come from and who knew they were drinking?

In my situation the alcohol was provided by a parent, my mother.  I don’t know who provided the alcohol to the students of Steubenville, but there are reports that adults knew they were drinking and it was commonplace for the football team to party.  In fact, in one account, the first party the victim was taken to was allegedly the home of the assistant football coach—an adult and a mentor to these kids.  Why didn’t he stop the party? 

I talk to my daughter about drinking.  I tell her the things that can happen.  And I know stuff has happened  in our community.  

Many parents in our community allow kids in their homes when they are not in the home to chaperone.  This is a point of contention between my daughter and me.  I won’t allow her in homes where parents are not present.  It’s difficult because it seems she is the only one of her friends with the rule.

But as I said, I know things have transpired between high school students in our community wherein alcohol is involved.  Just last year, a group of male and female students were drinking in someone’s home and it evolved into a rainbow party.  If you aren’t familiar with a rainbow party, it involves oral sex and lipstick.

A rainbow party with consenting participants (even if they were drunk) is far from a female being passed out, drug from party to party and raped.  However, my point is, if the rainbow parties are not addressed, if the drinking is not addressed, Steubenville can happen here.

Talking to Your Kids

When stories like Steubenville come up in the media, talk to your kids.  Ask them if they have heard about it.  Ask them what they think about it.  Ask them if they know how it could have been prevented.  Let them talk.  Of course, let them know what you think.  Let them know what you feel is appropriate for your family in regards to sexual behavior, drinking, social media behavior, and bullying.  See if you can come to a place of commonality.

Help your child to develop tools to deal with situations that may arise.  Does your child know what to do if she finds herself at a party where there is alcohol?  Would he know what to do if he saw someone being bullied or sexually assaulted?

Ultimately our kids will make their own decisions.  However, if we send them out without knowledge, without a developed conscious of what is right and wrong, we can’t expect them to do the right thing when placed in a position of difficulty.

Lastly, let your kids know that you know it isn’t easy.  Let your kids know you love them and will be there for them to pick them up from the party where there is alcohol.  Let them know you forgive them when they make mistakes.

Talk to your kids.  The last thing you want is for your daughter to be raped, for your son to be a rapist, or to find yourself in a courtroom apologizing to the world for your child’s catastrophic mistake.

Steubenville can be prevented.

More on preventing Steubenville:
V-Day and The Nation will be holding an open discussion with male leaders in the field moderated by Eve Ensler to be held in New York City on Tuesday.  You can email questions for the panel.  MORE INFO Sign a petition at Change.org for CNN to apologize on air for sympathizing with the rapists. Sign the petition to educate coaches about sexual assault 

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