It was mid-December when I first heard about the horrific
gang rape of an unconscious high school female.
She was repeatedly sexually assaulted by drunken, egomaniacal, high school football
players that she knew in
Steubenville, Ohio.
In her lifeless state, she was dragged from party to party where many
witnesses, including
adults, did nothing to stop the assaults. Some involved posted their crimes on social
media and thankfully someone saw it.
Even though the female prosecutor in Steubenville told the victim not to
press charges because it would cause her more trouble than she needed, the
organization
Anonymous ran with the story. Recently, two of the perpetrators were
brought to justice but not without
retaliation on
Facebook towards the victim.
When I first heard about Steubenville, I could not bring myself to write about it. It was too close to home for
me. I grew up very close to
Steubenville, in a small, Rust Belt, Ohio town that put football players on a pedestal. When I was in high school I got drunk one night and was taken advantage
of by a football player while another football player stood by and did nothing. The entire
school found out about it. My reputation from then on was diminished. I felt shame.
I felt I was at fault.
Several years later in my adult life, that football player admitted his wrong-doing and apologized to me. Yet, to this day, I struggle with the though of how I could have prevented it.
Even though my situation was different than that of the
victim in Steubenville, I feel for her. I know a bit of that pain, alienation, and shame.
I know the anger and I am angry for her. Angry at
the Steubenville community. Angry at the
kids who stood by and allowed it to happen. Angry at the
adults who supplied alcohol and/or did nothing to stop the partying.
I am also afraid. Afraid
for a society that continues to blame the victim,
claiming she was a “slut” and deserved to be raped. I’m afraid of the sympathy offered to the perpetrators, a sign of the entitled male code that is
tightly woven within our culture.
Mostly, I am afraid for my daughter who is a freshman in high
school.
There are many aspects and layers to the tragedy in Steubenville
that need to be addressed: the culture of football, violence towards women,
shaming women who have sex, etc. It’s
overwhelming.
What can I do?
As a mother of a daughter
who is a freshman in high school, I can begin at home.
So, I have been been discussing Steubenville with my
daughter a lot.
She doesn’t like the subject matter. When I bring it up, she usually says
something like, “Oh no, not this again.”
Topics surrounding Steubenville that we have discussed have
been drinking, sex, social media and what constitutes labeling someone as a “slut.”
These are all heavy topics, topics which lend themselves to me
sometimes lecturing rather than listening, so I understand her unwillingness to
discuss the situation. But I won’t back
down. One of the
main problems or causes of Steubenville was lack of parenting.
These topics aren’t easy to address with our
children. Some, maybe most, parents
simply don’t address these issues out of fear.
And yes, I can tell you from experience that these matters are scary to
bring up. But we can’t guide our
children safely to the doorstep of adolescence and simply stop parenting because
we are afraid. When we stop parenting we
fail them. Small incidents turn into
crimes because our children have not had the opportunity to discuss these
issues. They’ve been denied the
opportunity develop skills to handle difficult situations.
The Label of Slut
One of the most interesting things I have found out by
discussing Steubenville with my daughter is the conundrum of the “slut.” Before I go any further, I need to state that
I detest the term and am only using it because it is relevant to the circumstances.
When Steubenville first came up in December and I brought it
to the attention of my daughter she seemed unmoved. I’m not certain, but it seemed she had heard
the victim was a “slut.” So, I asked, “If
the victim was one of your friends, how would you feel?”
She said, “I would be really very upset.”
Therefore, we had to discuss this whole “slut” business.
As I said, I don’t like the word. And within my daughter’s high school
community, I don’t understand the use of the word at all.
One definition of “slut” is an offensive term for a woman thought to be sexually promiscuous.
OK. I get the
definition. What I don’t get is how the
kids in high school--in Steubenville and in my daughter’s high school--determine
which promiscuous female is awarded the label “slut.”
My daughter has confirmed and has even been upset by the
fact that the popular girls at her school are sexually promiscuous. But are they “sluts” or are they “popular?” In her school, they are not one in the
same. Does a female’s popularity keep
her from being labeled “slut,” and if so, why?
About a year ago her school community labeled a student a “slut” for being involved in giving her boyfriend oral sex. It got so bad that the girl changed schools
because her reputation became too much for her to handle. To my knowledge, the boyfriend was not
labeled anything and is still a student at the school—an example of that
destructive, mysterious and acceptable male code.
However, remember, my daughter has confirmed that the
popular girls in her school do have sex, but do not deal with an undesirable
reputation. What makes them different?
I’m not sure of the answer.
It could be socioeconomics. It
could be determined by which group the females associate with and how much
social status the group has within the school.
Let's be real. Teens have sex regardless of social or
socioeconomic status. And regardless of social or socioeconomic status, having sex does
not mean one is a “slut”.
The labeling, name-calling, and bullying
of teens who have sex is
a destructive micro-cultural phenomenon that has been used as a device to
create social hierarchy in high schools and it perpetuated by parents,
teachers and administrators who do not address the issue.
The negative connotation of being labeled a “slut” is so bad
that during the Steubenville case it was posted on social media by several
people--students and adults--that the victim deserved to be raped because she
was a “slut.”
Labeling one as a “slut” is a power move has nothing to do with sex. Such is rape.
It’s about power, not sex.
This power-play usage of the word "slut" (and words like it, as in whore) is incredibly damaging. Those labeled as "sluts" feel shame and feel trapped into behavior they may not even like or be comfortable with. Those doing the labeling are not only hypocrites, but are also getting their need for power fed that can can never be satisfied.
When I have talked to my daughter about it it's tricky. She struggles with wanting to fit in with the popular crowd. She struggles with wanting to be noticed by
boys. In anger, in a way to gain her own
power, I could see her labeling someone as a “slut.” Meaning, I understand from where it derives, but that doesn't make it OK.
I’m not sure I’ve persuaded her that labeling promiscuous
females as “sluts” is very wrong. But I’m
getting there. And I urge every parent
of a teen to have such conversations with their children.
Alcohol
The victim and the perpetrators in the Steubenville tragedy
were drinking to the point of intoxication.
In my own high school experience wherein I was taken advantage of by a
football player, I was drunk. I know for
certain that the absence of alcohol would have prevented my situation. It seems the absence of alcohol could have
prevented Steubenville, too.
Where did the alcohol come from and who knew they were
drinking?
In my situation the alcohol was provided by a parent, my
mother. I don’t know who provided the
alcohol to the students of Steubenville, but there are reports
that adults knew
they were drinking and it was commonplace for the football team to party. In fact, in one
account, the first party the
victim was taken to was allegedly the home of the assistant football coach—an adult and a
mentor to these kids. Why didn’t he stop
the party?
I talk to my daughter about drinking. I tell her the things that can happen. And I know stuff has happened in our
community.
Many parents in our community
allow kids in their homes when they are not in the home to chaperone.
This is a point of contention between my daughter and me. I won’t allow her in homes where parents are
not present. It’s difficult because it
seems she is the only one of her friends with the rule.
But as I said, I know things have transpired between high school
students in our community wherein alcohol is involved. Just last year, a group of male and female
students were drinking in someone’s home and it evolved into a
rainbow party. If you aren’t familiar with a
rainbow party, it involves oral sex and lipstick.
A rainbow party with consenting participants (even if
they were drunk) is far from a female being passed out, drug from party to
party and raped. However, my point is,
if the rainbow parties are not addressed, if the drinking is not addressed,
Steubenville can happen here.
Talking to Your Kids
When stories like Steubenville come up in the media, talk to
your kids. Ask them if they have heard
about it. Ask them what they think about
it. Ask them if they know how it could have been
prevented. Let them talk. Of course, let them know what you think. Let them know what you feel is appropriate
for your family in regards to sexual behavior, drinking, social media behavior,
and bullying. See if you can come to a place of commonality.
Help your child to develop tools to deal with situations
that may arise. Does your child know
what to do if she finds herself at a party where there is alcohol? Would he know what to do if he saw someone
being bullied or sexually assaulted?
Ultimately our kids will make their own decisions. However, if we send them out without
knowledge, without a developed conscious of what is right and wrong, we can’t
expect them to do the right thing when placed in a position of difficulty.
Lastly, let your kids know that you know it isn’t easy. Let your kids know you love them and will be
there for them to pick them up from the party where there is alcohol. Let them know you forgive them when they make mistakes.
Talk to your kids.
The last thing you want is for your daughter to be raped, for your son
to be a rapist, or to find yourself in a
courtroom apologizing to the world for
your child’s catastrophic mistake.
Steubenville can be prevented.
More on preventing Steubenville:
V-Day and The Nation will be holding an open discussion with male leaders in the field moderated by Eve Ensler to be held in New York City on Tuesday. You can email questions for the panel. MORE INFO
Sign a petition at Change.org for CNN to apologize on air for sympathizing with the rapists.
Sign the petition to educate coaches about sexual assault
