As I posted the first Wednesday’s Woman of 2013 this
morning, reentering the world of blogging after what seemed to me like a long
hiatus, I was reminded of how healthy and necessary this is for me--the
practice of communicating, connecting, healing, and celebrating. Laughing with one and other and holding each
other up as we reveal parts of ourselves that need light in order to move on
and let go. As a parent and as a person
who strives to get better and be better, I need to be here.
This sort of self-declaration may seem redundant or
unnecessary. However, while I was away
from Sperk*, I did a lot of thinking (at times, maybe too much). I questioned whether or not I should devote
so much of my time to this space. It
certainly isn't bringing in any considerable income. And, at times, I don’t feel like I can share
everything I need to because I have to protect my children. I mean, I am choosing to share these
stories. They are along as participants
only because they somehow ended up being my daughters. The are not participating because they are
dying for the world to get to know them through my eyes.
I questioned whether or not what I was sharing was relevant
to anything. . .
or nothing . . .
or something.
I don’t have all the answers to the above. But I do know this: Using my voice forces growth in the right
direction. When I am silent, my growth is stunned. And already, after just one post, I feel as
though it is possible to let go of all the pain and worry I conjured up while
away from Sperk*.
I am in the process of discerning how much pain and worry I
conjured on my own and how much was inflicted: 1) I already left the job I
started in December. This was heartbreaking and I still haven’t
figured out if being a teacher is really my calling. 2) My mother sent me the most evil text in
the world in December. (I am sure she felt the same about my text to her.) This was
heartbreaking and I still haven’t figured out how to put this one down and let
it go.
But I do know this: Without this process—writing, posting, and commenting—I will never figure it out. So, here I am. Stay tuned.
But I do know this: Without this process—writing, posting, and commenting—I will never figure it out. So, here I am. Stay tuned.
Blogging is like therapy to me. I have to get it all out there.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the text messages between you and your mom. :(
Thanks so much for commenting. Missed being here with like-minded individuals. :) Appreciate your words.
DeleteI enjoy what you write. Most of the time people talk about meaningless things like the weather. Though I'm not having a conversation with you when you blog, I enjoy reading about what you are actually thinking. It's more meaningful. I wish people conversed about real shit more often.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about the difficulty with your Mom. I too am having difficulty in this area. I think it's the hardest relationship I've ever had to deal with and it has influence every other relationship in my life. I'm running into a lot of bitterness from the past due to current interactions.
Anyways, I enjoy reading what you have to say.
Thanks for sharing a bit of your own story here and letting me know of your presence. You are right that the parental relationship affects everything...every other relationship. It does cause a ton of anger to bubble to the top. I have always found inspiration in your story and again, am grateful for you being here.
DeleteIt is hard to find that perfect space where telling your own stories doesn't cross into telling other people's stories.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see you back here. Writing. Working through your feelings and experiences.
I'm sorry for the pain you experienced last month. Your blog is a gift for many and although it is sometimes difficult discerning what you should put out there, you must share something. It's in your blood to write. A confidante recently told me if something I want to share is too personal to put it in a different format. Like a poem or fiction. I think we all need to get our stories out, especially once we have started writing for the world. Even if not publicly, at least in a journal. Keep on keeping on :) Thanks for sharing and welcome back.
ReplyDeleteI have struggled with some of these same questions as well; how much time should I really commit to blogging? Do I really have anything of value to say? etc. The simple fact that it is so calming, uplifting and therapeutic is enough reason to keep going. I hope you do know though, you have people who love and appreciate you, this blog and definitely value what you share. I'm sorry December was so rough, those hurts are hard to heal. Time, writing, friends and be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sticking with us, too! I haven't been here in a long time, but the time I did spent reading here was the most memorable and the most remarkable of any blog-by-a-mom I've ever read, and by now I've read a ton. You are a master writer, with meaning, depth, and emotion, and I know you are helping other moms/girls who have had trauma such as you have had. I still get chills remembering many of your blog posts (YeahWrite.me). So please keep writing, for yourself and for us, and for them.
ReplyDelete