I remember staring at the giant, industrial, white-faced clock hanging on
the classroom wall, watching the second hand slowly tick
around its sphere. Each time the second hand met the
big hand, I felt relieved. One minute down, 40 to go before the bell
rang, signaling it was acceptable to move my body out of boredom, discomfort
and anxiety.
As an adult, it's different. Time flies. Does anyone know why this phenomenon occurs? One day seems to last a second, a year is
like a day. And now, January is almost
at its end and I have yet to set any definitive goals for the year.
I know you are saying, “Oh, don’t be so hard on
yourself. It’s OK. You can start, or change, any time.”
This is true.
However, as one who struggles with depression, when I give myself
permission to stall, or get to it tomorrow, it means three days on the
couch.
Three days on the couch means the
depression is fed with a powerful fuel that helps it continue for three more
days. Then I am left with nothing but a
fried brain full of terrible self-talk and a sweaty bottom stuck to my jammie pants, jammie pants stuck to, you guessed it, the couch.
I do not remember the word I chose to focus on last year in
order to focus on having a good year. I
think it was “fearlessness” or “courage”.
I think I exhibited some of both. Each time I let bravery simmer to the top it was met by the outside
world with enthusiasm, empathy and encouragement. I was and am grateful for that. But my inside-world, my self-talk, quickly
drove any success into a massive car wreck.
Although the destruction did not go noticed by anyone, I saw
it. I saw it in the things I did not
do. Instead of taking advantage of the momentum of success, my focus fastened itself on the
things yet to be accomplished.
I have experienced success.
I know I can do it. That’s not
the issue.
The issue is that I have no patience. If it’s not done now I tell myself "I can’t" or "It’s not for me" or "It's something I do not deserve."
That’s all pretty harsh.
No one deserves that kind of talk, so why inflict it upon
myself?
Lately I have noticed my daughters who are 12 and
14 have very little kindness for themselves.
If their hair is not just right, they are ugly. If their shirt hangs slightly different than
they imaged, they are fat. It’s frightening. Although I never verbalize my negative
self-talk, they must be picking up this technique of beating oneself up from me
through motherhood osmosis.
Enough.
The awesome team at Just.Be.Enough has chosen three words to
focus upon for 2013: “. . . words to help us in setting goals, dreaming big, and being intentional about our journey to being enough.”
I am choosing one.
Patience.
Just.Be.Enough |
At 8:00 pm I was contemplating scrubbing down the treadmill and
hanging blinds in the room wherein we will be using it. But I stopped. I had done enough. I didn't want to overdo it, waking up the next day with exhaustion which would be permission to go back to the couch.
Patience.
Everything takes time.
Everything has a process. Change
does not happen overnight. Success isn't awarded in an instant.
I will be holding myself accountable for being patient by
linking up monthly with Just.Be.Enough.
You just read month number one.
Time flew, didn't it?
My oldest has very little kindness for herself either. It's so disheartening to hear. And I KNOW (like you) that I don't verbalize my own perfectionism issues, so I say "where did she get it?" Maybe you're right - maybe it seeps out of my pores and i don't even see it. Patience is a great word for 2013.
ReplyDeletePatience is very important. Something I've learned only as I get older.
ReplyDeletePatience is a wonderful choice!
ReplyDeleteHugs and good thoughts and more hugs to you!
xo
(I went and checked out Just.Be.Enough and love it! I linked up with them for my 2013 Revolution)
I am reminded about needing to be patient every single day. It is brutally hard, especially when so much depends on it--but you are so right. Thrilled that you are going to stay accountable with us this year!
ReplyDeleteIt is really crazy how much faster time goes as we get older... I too remember watching the clock. Time still drags on when I'm exercising though! :-) Patience is something I need to work on as well. Good challenge!
ReplyDeleteI so get it. Everything about that post was honest and relatable. I'm working on stopping the negative self talk too, and trying to remember I am enough and I do enough. Hoping to stay off the couch too. I hope you are successful in 2013 with Patience and all things great.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDelete