Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Time for Patience

Remember when you were little and the school year seemed to drag on for an eternity?  Forget the school year.  Each class seemed to last longer than summer break.

I remember staring at the giant, industrial, white-faced clock hanging on the classroom wall, watching the second hand slowly tick around its sphere.  Each time the second hand met the big hand, I felt relieved.  One minute down, 40 to go before the bell rang, signaling it was acceptable to move my body out of boredom, discomfort and anxiety.

As an adult, it's different.  Time flies.  Does anyone know why this phenomenon occurs?  One day seems to last a second, a year is like a day.  And now, January is almost at its end and I have yet to set any definitive goals for the year.

I know you are saying, “Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself.  It’s OK.  You can start, or change, any time.”

This is true.  However, as one who struggles with depression, when I give myself permission to stall, or get to it tomorrow, it means three days on the couch.  

Three days on the couch means the depression is fed with a powerful fuel that helps it continue for three more days.  Then I am left with nothing but a fried brain full of terrible self-talk and a sweaty bottom stuck to my jammie pants, jammie pants stuck to, you guessed it, the couch.

I do not remember the word I chose to focus on last year in order to focus on having a good year.  I think it was “fearlessness” or “courage”.  I think I exhibited some of both.  Each time I let bravery simmer to the top it was met by the outside world with enthusiasm, empathy and encouragement.  I was and am grateful for that.  But my inside-world, my self-talk, quickly drove any success into a massive car wreck.

Although the destruction did not go noticed by anyone, I saw it.  I saw it in the things I did not do.  Instead of taking advantage of the momentum of success, my focus fastened itself on the things yet to be accomplished.
 
I have experienced success.  I know I can do it.  That’s not the issue.

The issue is that I have no patience.  If it’s not done now I tell myself "I can’t" or "It’s not for me" or "It's something I do not deserve."

That’s all pretty harsh. 

No one deserves that kind of talk, so why inflict it upon myself?

Lately I have noticed my daughters who are 12 and 14 have very little kindness for themselves.  If their hair is not just right, they are ugly.  If their shirt hangs slightly different than they imaged, they are fat.  It’s frightening.  Although I never verbalize my negative self-talk, they must be picking up this technique of beating oneself up from me through motherhood osmosis.

Enough.


I am choosing one.

Patience.

Just.Be.Enough
I unofficially put my focus word into practice starting two days ago.  On that morning I had dishes done, the floors swept and mopped, and the living room dusted by 8:30 am.  I finished all of the girls’ laundry.  I got help moving the treadmill from the basement to the first floor so that we use it.  I showered, put on make-up and took the girls out shopping.  I even said “hello” to a friend I saw at the store, which is unusual.  Typically I hide.

At 8:00 pm I was contemplating scrubbing down the treadmill and hanging blinds in the room wherein we will be using it.  But I stopped.  I had done enough.  I didn't want to overdo it, waking up the next day with exhaustion which would be permission to go back to the couch.

Patience.

Everything takes time.  Everything has a process.  Change does not happen overnight.  Success isn't awarded in an instant.

I will be holding myself accountable for being patient by linking up monthly with Just.Be.Enough.

You just read month number one. 

Time flew, didn't it?





photo credit: BramstonePhotography via photopin cc

7 comments:

  1. My oldest has very little kindness for herself either. It's so disheartening to hear. And I KNOW (like you) that I don't verbalize my own perfectionism issues, so I say "where did she get it?" Maybe you're right - maybe it seeps out of my pores and i don't even see it. Patience is a great word for 2013.

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  2. Patience is very important. Something I've learned only as I get older.

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  3. Patience is a wonderful choice!
    Hugs and good thoughts and more hugs to you!
    xo
    (I went and checked out Just.Be.Enough and love it! I linked up with them for my 2013 Revolution)

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  4. I am reminded about needing to be patient every single day. It is brutally hard, especially when so much depends on it--but you are so right. Thrilled that you are going to stay accountable with us this year!

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  5. It is really crazy how much faster time goes as we get older... I too remember watching the clock. Time still drags on when I'm exercising though! :-) Patience is something I need to work on as well. Good challenge!

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  6. I so get it. Everything about that post was honest and relatable. I'm working on stopping the negative self talk too, and trying to remember I am enough and I do enough. Hoping to stay off the couch too. I hope you are successful in 2013 with Patience and all things great.

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