It’s Friday! And it’s the first official day of Summer Break
2012.
This morning I drove from Bexley to Dublin and back to
Bexley (Ohio, not Europe) carting the kids from a sleepover to their
dads for some swim-time in his fabulous pool.
As I traveled the outerbelt of Columbus, I was thinking, “I hope I don’t spend my entire summer driving
I-270.”
Then I remembered. I won’t. At some point--in August to be exact--I’ll
be in New York City for BlogHer ’12.
I am finding words to describe how it is I became able to
attend BlogHer ’12 difficult to attain.
The “feeling” side of my brain wants to tell you one thing and my “thinking”
side wants to tell you another.
Typically I can get them to converge in a space that triggers my fingers
to type, but today, that’s not the case.
I’m not one to ask for help.
I should be. Everyone should
be. In fact, I often tell my girls, “If
you need help, ask.”
After this experience, I’m sure I will be a pro at acquiring
help.
Why?
Fear is fading. Fast.
Oh yes, Sperk* is the Fearless examination of life with two
adolescent daughters and I have been fully committed to truth in this space. Bringing it honestly requires confident
clicks of the tab labeled “publish” and, thanks to your supportive comments, your
rally of empathetic cheers, I am used to braving that task.
However, in life without a computer screen . . . let’s just say my
confidence level doesn’t quite mirror what you read.
Soon, however, I will have no choice but to be fearless in
person.
In response to my post describing my experience of being
named a BlogHer 2012 Voices of the Year Honoree, I was offered, via a Twitter
direct message, a BlogHer ’12 pass from a blogger who cannot attend the conference.
I did not say “Yes” right away because although I was
thrilled, I was also confused and afraid.
I came up with excuses to say, “No,” and I had some
good ones—accommodations in New York City are expensive and traveling to New York
City is expensive.
Then I received an email from a blogger who lives close to
New York City. She offered me her couch.
The one last excuse, the cost of travel, became irrelevant because I do own a car.
No reason to say "No."
But I still wanted to.
Then I engaged in a fearless self-examination of the inexplicable
fear driving me to shy away from these kind, self-less offers. I was lead back to PTSD:
For them, the excitement of success feels uncomfortably close to the feeling of arousal they experienced when subjected to a traumatic event or multiple events . . . People who have experienced trauma may associate the excitement of success with the same physiological reactions as trauma . . . And many of us-especially if we've been subject to verbal abuse-have been told we were losers our whole lives, in one way or another. We have internalized that feedback and feel that we don't deserve success. (Susanne Babbel, Ph.D., M.F.T.)
I said “Yes,” to both offers.
I won’t let it have me.
It’s had me too long.
I’m still afraid. I’m
still confused.
However.
I’m willing to be true to Sperk’s tagline and be
fearless. In person. For real.
I accept with gratitude for you both and for my readers. I accept with gratitude in honor of my truth.
photo credit: freya.gefn via flickr cc
