The Itsy-Bitsy Spider

I typically dive head first into depression beginning in October of each year.  Well, maybe not dive.  It creeps up on me, like an itsy-bitsy spider.  As I admire the beauty of the changing colors of the leaves and bemoan their eminent demise, I firmly plant my feet on the concrete and watch that creepy arachnid scurry to face me.  Even though I know I am bigger and can merely step on it and end its life, the sight of its icky appendages paralyzes me.  It crawls up my pant leg, making its way to my left nostril, navigates its way through my nose hairs, finds an empty space in my brain, and camps out  until it is washed out during the first spring rain.

The spider was not spinning its web too fast this year.  I finished school in November, was semi-wise with finances during the holidays, and managed to gain only about five pounds.  Pretty good.

Wait.  That’s not right.  The Penn State scandal hit in November and then Mercury went into retrograde.  Pretty bad.  So maybe this year's spider was growing at an exponential rate.  I don’t know.  

I do know that I was able to start Sperk* at the same time the itsy-bitsy spider came crawling.  I do know that the experience of disclosing information about my childhood within the walls of Sperk* has proved to rid me of fear, writer's block, and other ailments that can prevent one from blogging.  I also know that the connections I have made thus far within the blogosphere are meaningful to me.   

Which brings me to last Friday, the day I received a comment on Exit Stage Left: No More Intolerance from Literal Mom.  The comment was a welcomed one, of course.  I hold Missy at Literal Mom in very high esteem.  Her words prompted a flood of thought and I was excited. I was thinking about what I would write and how I would write it while happily vacuuming the house.  I was looking forward to writing the post after I returned home from dropping off the girls at their dad's for the weekend. I got home and. . .

WHAM. Thug. Clunk. Ouch.
Spider violently spinning. 
To the couch.  She’s out.

I was on the sofa the entire weekend.

After two and a half days of very bad television, I rose.  With the girls’ return imminent, I showered, cleaned house, and made a quick trip to the grocery store.  Movement felt good.  Yes, indeed.  Also, I felt good.  It was strange.  Was it the Tony Robbins interview on Oprah's network?  Was it knowing that compared to the moms on Big Rich Texas, my skills as a mom are stellar?

Maybe I was just done with the self-loathing pity party that was taking place inside my brain.  You know the one hosted by the itsy-bitsy spider?  And I knew Yeah Write was coming up.  And I read Sweaty's post at Just Be Enough that gave me just enough kick.  I had to write.  Get back to life.  Get more out and take more in from not only my blogging community, but also the big fat world.

The spider has been exterminated.

The trouble with waking from depression is the onset of panic that ensues when you feel the weight of all the stuff you’ve put off.  Calm down.  Make a list.  Or just do some pinning on Pinterest and create a killer playlist on Spotify.  One thing, one day at a time. 

First on the list for today is to address the comment left for me last Friday by Missy, Literal Mom. The comment that I spoke of above.  The one that moved my mind.  It was formed in two questions and here I answer her inquiries complete with explanations, a result of some healthy contemplation (I ask you to keep in mind that the contemplation never ends, so my answers may change over time):

Question 1 - does your mom read this? I ask because I can't talk about mother issues on my blog - as they read every. single. word.

I think my mom reads this.  I am not certain.  My goal is not to hurt her.  My goal is to express my truth so that I can live.  I know no other way.  Ever since my memories of abuse surfaced, I have, in one way or another, been trying to get my family to pay attention to and acknowledge what has transpired in our family.  On occasion, I thought my mother, sister and I could support each other in healing.  I now know that I need to find support elsewhere, and continue on my journey to health.  I have been through a lot and put myself through a lot along the way, and honestly, am grateful to be alive.  I truly believe that every person’s birth is enough reason to live—if you were born, you matter.  Therefore, I surmise, I matter.  And I’m doing something about it—I’m writing.

Question 2 - did writing this make you feel better? I hope so, and just want to tell you wrote it beautifully.

Writing the post did make me feel better.  Then I was feeling vulnerable and afraid of how it would be received.  I can tell by the wonderfully supportive comments that my fear was in vain.  I was also fearful of what my mom would think or do.  I had horrific thoughts of comments posted, text messages sent, and incriminating photos uploaded.  I have not heard from her and have let go of worrying about her reaction.  I hope that even if she does not understand why I write, she understands that our story, my story, the story of our family is, unfortunately, not unique.  When I bring our story to light, I am saving the lives of others--figuratively and in some cases literally.  In my case it’s literal.

Thanks, Literal Mom, for the compliments, for reading, and for your questions.  Thank you, Yeah Write community, for your continued support.  I am full of gratitude.

For now, I bid you adieu, and wish you the best Fat Tuesday ever.  And remember, if you see an itsy-bitsy spider, step on it.  Wait. I am being over-sensitive and insensitive.  You may want to consider carefully getting the damn thing back to it's habitat.  Whatever you do, keep it far, far from me.

 

photo credit: Jason A. Samfield via photopin cc

Wednesday's Woman: Addiction Crisis

Jane Velez-Mitchell:  
iWant, My Journey from Addiction and Overconsumption
 to a Simpler, Honest Life.

Over the weekend, we lost another amazing talent to the disease of addiction.  There have been numerous reactions to Whitney Houston's death, ranging from empathetic to pathetic.  There are debates over whether or not she is an icon or passing fancy.  My own reaction was one of sadness and anger. She in no way should be looked upon as a passing fancy, because if she is, we miss a moment to change the course of America's addiction crisis.

In my own reaction to Whitney Houston's death, I am saddened for the loss of a one-of-a-kind voice, but more so, am saddened that addiction has robbed another woman of a life that could have been beautiful.  And of course, my thoughts are heavy for her daughter, Bobbi Kristina Brown.  My hope for her is that friends and family rally to support her through her journey of grief and on her road to recovery as an adult child of an alcoholic.

I am angry by some of the reactions I have heard in the media and seen on social networking sites, like Facebook and Twitter.  Reactions like, “who cares, I thought she had been dead for years,” or “she never should have married that loser.”  These types of apathetic and judgmental comments are cause for a missed opportunity to examine a social crisis—the crisis of women and addiction.  My hope is that we do not let yet another talented person’s death be in vain.   For that reason, this week’s Wednesday's Woman is a recovering alcoholic with 16 years of sobriety, Jane Velez-Mitchell.  

Jane Velez-Mitchell is a best-selling author and anchor on HLN and can also be seen covering high-profile cases on CNN.  I have not read her books and have not seen her on HLN or on CNN.  Honestly, I had not heard of her until this morning.  I found her after an extensive Google search for a famous female recovering addict.  There were few to choose from, most being already gone, like Betty Ford, or still in the throes of addiction, like Lindsay Lohan.  What stood out to me about Jane Velez-Mitchell was her willingness to cover the Whitney Houston story for CNN without glossing over the fact that Whitney’s death was one that should be examined as a national crisis of our unwillingness to accept addiction as a disease.  From the CNN transcript, Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell, February 13, 2012:

 Addiction is a disease. It`s not something that one casts judgment on a person for having. It is a disease. Just like you get cancer or you get another disease. We`re looking at this as a possibility, this idea that her disease took her down.

During the broadcast, Jane Velez-Mitchell made strong points about our responsibility as a society to stop ignoring the disease, to learn about it, and to support people who suffer from it.  I recommend examining the transcript and putting her latest book, Addiction Nation: an Intervention for America, on your reading list.  I am putting her on my list of people to follow and will definitely read her writings.  As a mother of two daughters, and knowing of the history of addiction within our family, I owe it to them to continue to educate myself about the disease of addiction.  Thankfully, I know enough already to talk to my girls about the tragedy of Whitney Houston’s death.  I know enough already to be angered by ignorant comments regarding the way she died.   And I know that it is important for this week’s Wednesday’s Woman to be Jane Velez-Mitchell, a recovering alcoholic and courageous advocate for those who suffer from the disease.

{Each week I feature an inspiring woman in Wednesday's Woman.  If you know of someone to be featured please let me know.  Last week featured Dr. Mae Jemison, the first African-American female to go into outer space.}