I remember staring at the giant, industrial, white-faced clock hanging on the classroom wall, watching the second hand slowly tick around its sphere. Each time the second hand met the big hand, I felt relieved. One minute down, 40 to go before the bell rang, signaling it was acceptable to move my body out of boredom, discomfort and anxiety.
As an adult, it's different. Time flies. Does anyone know why this phenomenon occurs? One day seems to last a second, a year is like a day. And now, January is almost at its end and I have yet to set any definitive goals for the year.
I know you are saying, “Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s OK. You can start, or change, any time.”
This is true. However, as one who struggles with depression, when I give myself permission to stall, or get to it tomorrow, it means three days on the couch.
Three days on the couch means the depression is fed with a powerful fuel that helps it continue for three more days. Then I am left with nothing but a fried brain full of terrible self-talk and a sweaty bottom stuck to my jammie pants, jammie pants stuck to, you guessed it, the couch.
I do not remember the word I chose to focus on last year in order to focus on having a good year. I think it was “fearlessness” or “courage”. I think I exhibited some of both. Each time I let bravery simmer to the top it was met by the outside world with enthusiasm, empathy and encouragement. I was and am grateful for that. But my inside-world, my self-talk, quickly drove any success into a massive car wreck.
Although the destruction did not go noticed by anyone, I saw it. I saw it in the things I did not do. Instead of taking advantage of the momentum of success, my focus fastened itself on the things yet to be accomplished.
I have experienced success. I know I can do it. That’s not the issue.
The issue is that I have no patience. If it’s not done now I tell myself "I can’t" or "It’s not for me" or "It's something I do not deserve."
That’s all pretty harsh.
No one deserves that kind of talk, so why inflict it upon myself?
Lately I have noticed my daughters who are 12 and 14 have very little kindness for themselves. If their hair is not just right, they are ugly. If their shirt hangs slightly different than they imaged, they are fat. It’s frightening. Although I never verbalize my negative self-talk, they must be picking up this technique of beating oneself up from me through motherhood osmosis.
The awesome team at Just.Be.Enough has chosen three words to focus upon for 2013: “. . . words to help us in setting goals, dreaming big, and being intentional about our journey to being enough.”
I am choosing one.
At 8:00 pm I was contemplating scrubbing down the treadmill and hanging blinds in the room wherein we will be using it. But I stopped. I had done enough. I didn't want to overdo it, waking up the next day with exhaustion which would be permission to go back to the couch.
Everything takes time. Everything has a process. Change does not happen overnight. Success isn't awarded in an instant.
I will be holding myself accountable for being patient by linking up monthly with Just.Be.Enough.
You just read month number one.
Time flew, didn't it?