I am not going to whine by saying, “People were mean to me
in high school.” High school was and is
weird. When one enters adolescence, one
can no longer discern between right and left but are required to discern
between right and wrong. Coupled with
the academic and social pressures, it is a wonder any high school student is “nice”
to anyone. I get it. However, people were mean to me in high
school.
Like most teens, I was lacking in the area of emotional
intelligence. Like most survivors of
sexual abuse, I was lacking in self-esteem and skills to defend myself. High school for me was years of rumors (most of which
were not true), gum-throwing-into-my-hair incidents, shoving-my-body-into-locker
moments, etc. Yes, etcetera. Yes, there was more, the most painful I’m not
ready to share.
There were many afternoons I would come home from school and
simply bury my face in my pillow and sob.
My mom would attempt to find out what was wrong. Half of the things I told her about and half
of the things I didn't. Her best advice
was to keep smiling and ignore it knowing that the attacks were due to my peer’s
jealousy.
I went with this tactic and I survived. But it didn't work.
Last Friday, my 13 year old daughter, a freshman in high
school, and I were bickering during the ride home from school. When we got into the house, she went to her
room and began crying, face down in her pillow, sobbing. I thought she was upset that we were arguing,
so I at first tried to ignore it, the sound of her sadness paralyzing me.
Then, my own high school experience flooded over me.
I knew if I remained paralyzed it could potentially paralyze
my daughter.
I went into her room and said, “Why are you crying?”
No answer.
“Is it because we are fighting?”
She answered, “No.”
I sat down on her bed and asked, “Did something happen at
school?”
Something did happen at school. It made me mad. I yelled. She cried. We calmed down and talked. In essence, I told her to never allow anyone,
even her best friends, to be mean to her.
We discussed strategies for solving the problem that would cause as
little hurt as possible. I held her face
in my shoulder and she sobbed some more.
During the course of the weekend, by talking to the person who hurt her, she peacefully worked out
her issue. I would like to think that our talk helped and I am really grateful I was able to put my own experiences aside and offer her support.
I now see why a lot of parents are emotionally absent from
parenting. It’s painful—painful to watch
one’s child hurt while at the same time re-experiencing one’s own hurts over
and over again. But the hurt is no
excuse.
The bully wins when I am silent. I am done being bullied.
(This post is dedicated to Xiomara A. Maldonado who shocked me out of the self-pity that was keeping me from writing with this post: You Hide It Well: My Secret Battle With Depression.)
"It’s painful—painful to watch one’s child hurt while at the same time re-experiencing one’s own hurts over and over again." Yes. So much yes.
ReplyDeleteBut you are right, that isn't an excuse. We have to be the ones to reach out and break that cycle of emotionally absent parenting. Our children deserve it.
I don't even know how I made it through high school. I had a hard time getting along with people and I felt so horrible about myself I mostly walked around with my head down and my headphones blasting. Eventually I learned to deal with it by abusing a lot of drugs, alcohol, and crime. I hated those years of my life.
ReplyDeleteTween and teenage girls can be incredibly mean to each other. What astounds me is the grown women who still behave in this destructive manner. You were so right to send such a direct and powerful message to your daughter. No one should let a bully dominate their life. Young or old.
ReplyDelete"Destructive" is the key word. I can still be intimidated by grown-up bullies. I hope both of my daughters grow into being confident, fair, and respectful people. Thanks for your support. I always love seeing you.
DeleteYou were so right to go in to your daughters room, find out what was wrong, talk about solutions and let her cry on your shoulder. None of us has all the answers but this was such a strong act of love, it means far more than the issue being seamlessly solved. I never had this from a parent growing up and can tell you the damage it did. I'm so sorry for what she is going through. School is hard, dealing with friends and mean girls are hard, it's all tough for everyone. All we can do is love and support each other. Your daughter is lucky to have you!
ReplyDeleteYou are exactly right-it is incredibly painful to watch your kids in pain and not know how to help them or feeling like there is little that you can do. My daughter is nine and I don't know if I am ready for the mean girls.
ReplyDeleteVery sorry that your school years were so horrific. Glad you were able to share this.
A big hug to you mama k. Thank you for sharing this, thank you for rising up. This is such powerful stuff. My daughter is just entering this land of mean girl stuff and like you I just swallowed it all. I tried to be invisible. it is so painful to bring it back. but i think that is the priviledge of parenthood. breaking patterns as hard as it may be. ox
ReplyDeleteThe thought of any of my kids having to deal with bullying breaks my heart. Sounds like you did the right thing in listening and helping your daughter solve her problem. xo
ReplyDelete