If My Daughter Had Time

Within one year, she quickly moved from a budding fashionista to a promising musical theatre performer.  Now she just wants time to turn the music she loves into movie soundtracks.  Becoming a D.J. also interests her.  However, high school academics are demanding.  After hours spent at school she has hours of homework.  Just the other night she said, "Mom, I just want time to curate my music, learn how to edit and mix music, finish reading The Catcher in the Rye, write a screenplay, and play with my hamster.  But I never have time with all this homework!" I have been lobbying to homeschool her, but she gives much resistance.  I know that if I could provide her education at home, she'd have time for the things that interest her. Her interests would be incorporated into the curriculum.   Maybe someday soon I'll figure out that I am the mom and her education is ultimately my decision.  I am conflicted because I also want her to be happy.  I fear she'll resent my demand for her to be homeschooled.   In the meantime, I'll capture the moments (pictured below) wherein she is experiencing joy, free from the academic pressures of traditional education.  These moments are extraordinary, maybe not to her, but to me they quietly scream she is an amazing woman in the making.

Sophia, age 14, enjoying her music.

Linking up with ladies holiday Photo Friday photo (top) credit: Myxi via photopin cc

The Bully Wins When I Am Silent

I am not going to whine by saying, “People were mean to me in high school.”  High school was and is weird.  When one enters adolescence, one can no longer discern between right and left but are required to discern between right and wrong.  Coupled with the academic and social pressures, it is a wonder any high school student is “nice” to anyone.  I get it.  However, people were mean to me in high school.

Like most teens, I was lacking in the area of emotional intelligence.  Like most survivors of sexual abuse, I was lacking in self-esteem and skills to defend myself.  High school for me was years of rumors (most of which were not true), gum-throwing-into-my-hair incidents, shoving-my-body-into-locker moments, etc.  Yes, etcetera.  Yes, there was more, the most painful I’m not ready to share.

There were many afternoons I would come home from school and simply bury my face in my pillow and sob.  My mom would attempt to find out what was wrong.  Half of the things I told her about and half of the things I didn't.  Her best advice was to keep smiling and ignore it knowing that the attacks were due to my peer’s jealousy.

I went with this tactic and I survived.  But it didn't work.

Last Friday, my 13 year old daughter, a freshman in high school, and I were bickering during the ride home from school.  When we got into the house, she went to her room and began crying, face down in her pillow, sobbing.  I thought she was upset that we were arguing, so I at first tried to ignore it, the sound of her sadness paralyzing me.

Then, my own high school experience flooded over me.

I knew if I remained paralyzed it could potentially paralyze my daughter.

I went into her room and said, “Why are you crying?”

No answer.

“Is it because we are fighting?”

She answered, “No.”

I sat down on her bed and asked, “Did something happen at school?”

Something did happen at school.  It made me mad.  I yelled. She cried.  We calmed down and talked.  In essence, I told her to never allow anyone, even her best friends, to be mean to her.  We discussed strategies for solving the problem that would cause as little hurt as possible.  I held her face in my shoulder and she sobbed some more.

During the course of the weekend, by talking to the person who hurt her, she peacefully worked out her issue.  I would like to think that our talk helped and I am really grateful I was able to put my own experiences aside and offer her support.

I now see why a lot of parents are emotionally absent from parenting.  It’s painful—painful to watch one’s child hurt while at the same time re-experiencing one’s own hurts over and over again.  But the hurt is no excuse. 

The bully wins when I am silent.  I am done being bullied.

(This post is dedicated to Xiomara A. Maldonado who shocked me out of the self-pity that was keeping me from writing with this post:  You Hide It Well: My Secret Battle With Depression.)

October is National Bullying Prevention Month

photo credit: Miss Blackflag via photopin cc

She Must Get A's

Bad grades=bad self-esteem

Good grades=good self-esteem

Good grades do not necessarily indicate learning or becoming a better person, or growing.

In the world of a teen, where everything is rapidly changing, where coming home from school should mean time off to relax, regroup, and recharge, teens are required to do homework so that they can get good grades.

That homework takes hours.

When do teens exercise?

PE has been removed from the curriculum for more academics.

Lack of physical activity does not help the performance of the brain, it hinders it.

Lack of physical activity also sabotages the outcome of the state mandated BMI tests.

It is recommended students be in extra-curricular activities.  These improve the chances of students performing well, academically.

The extra-curricular activities take time away from homework which is a requirement in order to receive good grades.

When should teens socialize?

What if they aren’t interested in the history of the Ming Dynasty?

My teen is struggling.

She’s smart.

She can do the work.

I do not know where her mind is when she is studying.

I do not know how to help her without hovering over her as she stares at a book that she recently stared at in class.

Maybe it’s time to choreograph song and dance numbers composed of World Studies facts.

Maybe it’s time to tell her she must put a hold on growing up.  There are A’s that need to be seen on her transcript.

How do I tell her it's not her fault, it's not her teacher's fault?

How do I not feel it is my fault?

How do I tell her I will not have the ability to change the educational system in America before she graduates from high school?

Learning we must do things we do not want to do may be the hardest lesson to learn.

If she can master that, she'll have it made.

 

photo credit: jesuscm via photo pin cc