Wednesday's Woman: Everybody Knows Somebody

(photo credit)

In the United States, as many as 10 million females and 1 million males are fighting a life and death battle with an eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia. Millions more are struggling with binge eating disorder  (Crowther et al., 1992; Fairburn et al., 1993; Gordon, 1990; Hoek, 1995; Shisslak et al., 1995).

It is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.  The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) designates this week to bringing to light the complexities and realities of eating disorders.  The mission:

. . .prevent eating disorders and body image issues while reducing the stigma surrounding eating disorders and improving access to treatment. Eating disorders are serious, life-threatening illnesses - not choices - and it's important to recognize the pressures, attitudes and behaviors that shape the disorder.

This year’s theme is "Everybody Knows Somebody” which is a fitting premise.  We all know somebody who we can tell that it is NEDAwareness Week.  And, we all, most likely, know someone who is suffering with an eating disorder.

I encourage you to take time to go through the NEDA website.  It provides an extensive and comprehensive compilation of researched information and support tools written in accessible language.  Some of the facts about eating disorders may surprise you.  And I cannot express emphatically enough how valuable the support tools are.

The President and CEO of NEDA, Lynn S. Grefe, has an incredibly impressive background of advocacy work not only with NEDA, but also with organizations in government and private sectors associated with women’s health, mental health and policy issues.  When I think advocate, I think Lynn Grefe. The amount of work she has done, and continues to do in dedication to others is remarkable.  Please read more about her at PBS, This Emotional Life.  You'll find she is not only an advocate, but also was a Girl Scout leader, a soccer coach and a town coordinator.

For her tireless work advocating for people and families affected by eating disorders,

Wednesday's Woman is

Lynn S. Grefe 

• Many who suffer with eating disorders are also victims of child sexual abuse. Please read about past Wednesday's Woman, Jill Starishevsky, a fearless advocate for child victims of sexual abuse and author of My Body Belongs to Me.

• The Floor Is Yours! Wednesday's Woman is a weekly feature dedicated to raising awareness of the wonderful women who are role models for our daughters and the world.  If you know of someone to be featured and would like to write about her, let me know.  I would love to have you guest post for Wednesday's Woman.

Parenting a Fashionista

My 13 year old daughter, Sophia, is infatuated with fashion.  It's my fault.  Last July, I was pining over a Burberry coat I found online, showed her the image, and that was it.  Ever since, she's been moving rapidly towards wanting to be editor-in-chief of Vogue Magazine.

Sophia is very serious about her desire to work for Vogue.  She has learned names of top designers and has lightly studied the history of style trends.  She has watched the documentary film, The September Issue, more than a dozen times.  Her fantasies of meeting the boys in the band Big Time Rush have been replaced with fantasies of meeting Anna Wintour, the current editor-in-chief of American Vogue.  

Her dad is also at fault for her obsession with fashion.  Last September, he took her on a trip to New York City.  Seeing designer clothing that can only be found hanging in stores such as Saks Fifth Avenue and The Polo Mansion coupled with the intensely spirited energy of Manhattan added fuel to the fire.  And because of his connections in the clothing industry, her dad was able to get her a tour of Kleinfeld Bridal where she met the entire staff and cast of Say Yes to the Dress.  Oh yes, she was definitely star struck. But today when talking about Kleinfeld's, she talks more about the $10,000 couture gowns than Randy.

Sophia with Randy and a $10,000 gown.

I don’t have issue with Sophia's dream to be a fashion editor and I'm supportive.  She can write.  She has a talented eye for recognizing and creating things that are aesthetically pleasing. She's ambitious, smart, and a hard-worker.  I believe she can do it.  However, I do have issues with the images of fashion models flooding her brain on a daily basis.

Dialogue is key.  Sophia and I talk about images depicted in her monthly deliveries of Teen Vogue. Our conversations usually consists of me asking, “Do you think this is trashy or artful?”  

She replies, “Trashy.  The girls look too made up and the short skirts serve no purpose.  I mean, it's like the purpose is to show their legs and not to show the trendy skirts”

I say, “I agree.  It’s oversexualized.  I don’t think it’s necessary for the image to be sexy.  It ruins the beauty of the skirts.”

The conundrum of the debate over a short skirt being sexy or fashionable is just that--a conundrum.  But I try.
 

When I disagree with her deduction of a photo, I not only tell her why, I point out my reasoning for having an opposing opinion.  This can be tricky.  For example, she found this photo of Dakota Fanning posing for a Marc Jacobs fragrance ad to be artful.

Dakota Fanning (photo credit)

Hopefully you can see my issues with this one.  It’s obviously oversexualized and inappropriate. The juxtaposition of Dakota Fanning's young innocent look and the phallic-looking perfume bottle is downright disturbing to me.  But I wasn't sure if she was aware of it's inappropriateness.  I mean, what kind of former knowledge does she need to have in order to view this photo as inappropriate?  I hopefully thought, “Maybe colors make this photo appealing to her.  Maybe it’s the vintage look.  She likes vintage clothing.”

I proceeded with caution when discussing the young woman with the phallic fragrance bottle between her legs because my opinions were strong and I did not want to squash her willingness to share her thoughts and opinions with me. Too much passion on my part could cut off all conversation.  I also didn't want to delve too deeply into a conversation about under age girls in pornography and the many things that could be considered phallic symbols.

These tricky conversations happen frequently.  Hopefully, they are helping her to become more skilled as a critical thinker when it comes to viewing images exhibited in her field of passion, fashion. But, I ask, are our conversations enough to combat the multifaceted, underlying negativity in these images?  I am only one person who has one conversation with her approximately three times a week.  I mean, really.  I have a lot to cover—homework, time management, chores, respect and manners--and feel like I stand no chance at competing with the multitude of images that come her way every day.

Last Monday night, as I was tucking her into bed, I asked her about how she spent her free time at her dad’s over the weekend.  She told me she watched three episodes of America’s Next Top Model and explained she liked the show because of its clips of photo shoots and not because of the clips of drama between the aspiring models.  That was good, I guess.  I understand the appeal (I’ve been known to spend the weekend on the couch viewing trashy reality TV).  She proceeded to ask me about the winner of Cycle 14, Krista White.

Krista White (photo credit)

She said, “Do you think she is too thin?  I mean I was comparing her collar bones to Tyra’s and hers stuck out like a whole lot more.”

Collar bones?  My girl is observant.

The conversation turned into a passionate lecture given by me which included my opinion of how wrong it was for Tyra to pick someone so thin as the winner.  "I mean Tyra Banks has to know these young women are role models to aspiring models at home watching on TV!"  Well, it was more of a rant.  And it was lengthy.   

I did calm down enough to ask her what she thought of Tyra’s body.

She replied, “Tyra is beautiful.  She’s normal looking.”

Tyra Banks is anything but normal looking.  She is gorgeous.  However, I was relieved that it sounded as if Sophia had a trace of a healthy perspective of body image.  But I was still worried.  Did my rant sound as if I was putting down an industry that has lit her fire of enthusiasm and has inspired her to dream?

Dreaming.  Fashion is fantasy.

This post, this topic, has no end in site.  It is one that continues on a daily basis as I navigate my way through mothering a fashionista daughter in our media saturated world.  It's interesting because I am finding my own opinions of the images I see of women have changed over time. For instance, I used to see Angelina Jolie as the epitome of beauty.  Today, I see her as an example of a person who needs to be treated for anorexia nervosa, and whose disease is ignored because our ideals of beauty have become sickly skewed.  And it makes me mad.  Nevertheless, I hope to not crush any of Sophia’s dreams of being a fashion editor.  Heaven forbid I become known to her as, “My mother the dream crusher.” 

 

There’s a balance.  I don't know if I will find it.  But I won’t give up. The information and connections to others available via the Web make giving up on any parenting issue an act of inexcusable fear.  

 To be continued. . .

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.  For more information visit NEDA.

photo credit: pyrocam via photopin cc


 

High School Reunion, Yay or Nay?

Majorettes (photo credit)

It’s time for Monday Listicles, a weekly blog link up hosted by Stash at A Good Life.  Today, due to a suggestion by Rachel (Totally Ovar It), the Listicles blogging community is exploring the pros and cons of attending your school reunion.  For me, it’s a timely subject to contemplate.  I graduated from high school in 1987.  Put your eyeballs back in your head.  Yes, that’s 25 years ago.  I know it's shocking because I don’t look a day older than 30.  But I'm not sure about attending my 25th high school reunion this summer.  If I had Angelina Jolie’s right leg to take along with me, I might feel better about going.  

Angelina Jolie (photo credit)

Pros and cons for attending my 25^th High School Reunion:

PRO: I am still hot. I could strut my stuff and superficially enhance my self-esteem for a few hours.

CON: I am still hot.  I could be talked about behind my back by jealous former cheerleaders who spent their high school careers doing that very same thing--destroying me with their meanness. 

PRO: I am no longer afraid of bully-type jealous people and could open my heart to forgiveness and thus, become a better person.  Possibly this transformation could lead to me becoming a humanitarian on par with Oprah Winfrey and go on to be awarded the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award at the 90^th Annual Academy Awards.  Do I have to be in a film for that? 

CON: Even though I am friends with many of my classmates on Facebook, I haven’t spoken to anyone since my 10^th reunion in 1997.  At that point in time, I was still drinking and don’t remember much of what transpired during that celebration.  I think maybe my behavior while under the influence has hindered some of my relationships with H.S. folks.  I don’t know and am frightened to find out.

PRO: I no longer drink.  I can leave a much better snapshot in former classmates’ minds than was left for them in 1997 and would not have to return to another reunion in order to clear my reputation.

CON:  Perhaps in my drunkenness during the 10^th reunion, I criticized the chosen location of the party.  I mean really, a bowling alley?  The organizers may be waiting to beat me up or throw gum in my hair.

PRO: I can take in the loveliness of the reunion venue and my former classmates with sober, clear eyes.  This could be considered a CON, I am not sure.

Me, 1987, center right

CON: With the exception of marching band and a handful of people, I really hated high school.  I don’t see the point in reliving the torture of my four years of life spent as a confused and scared high school girl.  Really, I don’t.

PRO: Last I saw, the venue for the reunion may be at the casino.  I could win the jackpot and use my winnings to fix up my house, get a new car, and finally fit in among the wealthy people in my 2.5 square mile insulated community.  Maybe I’d even move south of Broad Street, but I doubt it.

CON:  My Alma Mater is two hours away by car.  Gas costs money.  That would be money I would rather spend on tickets to the Forecastle Festival which is during the same month, and tickets for Madonna’s concert taking place in Cleveland in November.  

Do you have a reunion coming up?  Will you attend?

The Itsy-Bitsy Spider

I typically dive head first into depression beginning in October of each year.  Well, maybe not dive.  It creeps up on me, like an itsy-bitsy spider.  As I admire the beauty of the changing colors of the leaves and bemoan their eminent demise, I firmly plant my feet on the concrete and watch that creepy arachnid scurry to face me.  Even though I know I am bigger and can merely step on it and end its life, the sight of its icky appendages paralyzes me.  It crawls up my pant leg, making its way to my left nostril, navigates its way through my nose hairs, finds an empty space in my brain, and camps out  until it is washed out during the first spring rain.

The spider was not spinning its web too fast this year.  I finished school in November, was semi-wise with finances during the holidays, and managed to gain only about five pounds.  Pretty good.

Wait.  That’s not right.  The Penn State scandal hit in November and then Mercury went into retrograde.  Pretty bad.  So maybe this year's spider was growing at an exponential rate.  I don’t know.  

I do know that I was able to start Sperk* at the same time the itsy-bitsy spider came crawling.  I do know that the experience of disclosing information about my childhood within the walls of Sperk* has proved to rid me of fear, writer's block, and other ailments that can prevent one from blogging.  I also know that the connections I have made thus far within the blogosphere are meaningful to me.   

Which brings me to last Friday, the day I received a comment on Exit Stage Left: No More Intolerance from Literal Mom.  The comment was a welcomed one, of course.  I hold Missy at Literal Mom in very high esteem.  Her words prompted a flood of thought and I was excited. I was thinking about what I would write and how I would write it while happily vacuuming the house.  I was looking forward to writing the post after I returned home from dropping off the girls at their dad's for the weekend. I got home and. . .

WHAM. Thug. Clunk. Ouch.
Spider violently spinning. 
To the couch.  She’s out.

I was on the sofa the entire weekend.

After two and a half days of very bad television, I rose.  With the girls’ return imminent, I showered, cleaned house, and made a quick trip to the grocery store.  Movement felt good.  Yes, indeed.  Also, I felt good.  It was strange.  Was it the Tony Robbins interview on Oprah's network?  Was it knowing that compared to the moms on Big Rich Texas, my skills as a mom are stellar?

Maybe I was just done with the self-loathing pity party that was taking place inside my brain.  You know the one hosted by the itsy-bitsy spider?  And I knew Yeah Write was coming up.  And I read Sweaty's post at Just Be Enough that gave me just enough kick.  I had to write.  Get back to life.  Get more out and take more in from not only my blogging community, but also the big fat world.

The spider has been exterminated.

The trouble with waking from depression is the onset of panic that ensues when you feel the weight of all the stuff you’ve put off.  Calm down.  Make a list.  Or just do some pinning on Pinterest and create a killer playlist on Spotify.  One thing, one day at a time. 

First on the list for today is to address the comment left for me last Friday by Missy, Literal Mom. The comment that I spoke of above.  The one that moved my mind.  It was formed in two questions and here I answer her inquiries complete with explanations, a result of some healthy contemplation (I ask you to keep in mind that the contemplation never ends, so my answers may change over time):

Question 1 - does your mom read this? I ask because I can't talk about mother issues on my blog - as they read every. single. word.

I think my mom reads this.  I am not certain.  My goal is not to hurt her.  My goal is to express my truth so that I can live.  I know no other way.  Ever since my memories of abuse surfaced, I have, in one way or another, been trying to get my family to pay attention to and acknowledge what has transpired in our family.  On occasion, I thought my mother, sister and I could support each other in healing.  I now know that I need to find support elsewhere, and continue on my journey to health.  I have been through a lot and put myself through a lot along the way, and honestly, am grateful to be alive.  I truly believe that every person’s birth is enough reason to live—if you were born, you matter.  Therefore, I surmise, I matter.  And I’m doing something about it—I’m writing.

Question 2 - did writing this make you feel better? I hope so, and just want to tell you wrote it beautifully.

Writing the post did make me feel better.  Then I was feeling vulnerable and afraid of how it would be received.  I can tell by the wonderfully supportive comments that my fear was in vain.  I was also fearful of what my mom would think or do.  I had horrific thoughts of comments posted, text messages sent, and incriminating photos uploaded.  I have not heard from her and have let go of worrying about her reaction.  I hope that even if she does not understand why I write, she understands that our story, my story, the story of our family is, unfortunately, not unique.  When I bring our story to light, I am saving the lives of others--figuratively and in some cases literally.  In my case it’s literal.

Thanks, Literal Mom, for the compliments, for reading, and for your questions.  Thank you, Yeah Write community, for your continued support.  I am full of gratitude.

For now, I bid you adieu, and wish you the best Fat Tuesday ever.  And remember, if you see an itsy-bitsy spider, step on it.  Wait. I am being over-sensitive and insensitive.  You may want to consider carefully getting the damn thing back to it's habitat.  Whatever you do, keep it far, far from me.

 

photo credit: Jason A. Samfield via photopin cc

Wednesday's Woman: Addiction Crisis

Jane Velez-Mitchell:  
iWant, My Journey from Addiction and Overconsumption
 to a Simpler, Honest Life.

Over the weekend, we lost another amazing talent to the disease of addiction.  There have been numerous reactions to Whitney Houston's death, ranging from empathetic to pathetic.  There are debates over whether or not she is an icon or passing fancy.  My own reaction was one of sadness and anger. She in no way should be looked upon as a passing fancy, because if she is, we miss a moment to change the course of America's addiction crisis.

In my own reaction to Whitney Houston's death, I am saddened for the loss of a one-of-a-kind voice, but more so, am saddened that addiction has robbed another woman of a life that could have been beautiful.  And of course, my thoughts are heavy for her daughter, Bobbi Kristina Brown.  My hope for her is that friends and family rally to support her through her journey of grief and on her road to recovery as an adult child of an alcoholic.

I am angry by some of the reactions I have heard in the media and seen on social networking sites, like Facebook and Twitter.  Reactions like, “who cares, I thought she had been dead for years,” or “she never should have married that loser.”  These types of apathetic and judgmental comments are cause for a missed opportunity to examine a social crisis—the crisis of women and addiction.  My hope is that we do not let yet another talented person’s death be in vain.   For that reason, this week’s Wednesday's Woman is a recovering alcoholic with 16 years of sobriety, Jane Velez-Mitchell.  

Jane Velez-Mitchell is a best-selling author and anchor on HLN and can also be seen covering high-profile cases on CNN.  I have not read her books and have not seen her on HLN or on CNN.  Honestly, I had not heard of her until this morning.  I found her after an extensive Google search for a famous female recovering addict.  There were few to choose from, most being already gone, like Betty Ford, or still in the throes of addiction, like Lindsay Lohan.  What stood out to me about Jane Velez-Mitchell was her willingness to cover the Whitney Houston story for CNN without glossing over the fact that Whitney’s death was one that should be examined as a national crisis of our unwillingness to accept addiction as a disease.  From the CNN transcript, Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell, February 13, 2012:

 Addiction is a disease. It`s not something that one casts judgment on a person for having. It is a disease. Just like you get cancer or you get another disease. We`re looking at this as a possibility, this idea that her disease took her down.

During the broadcast, Jane Velez-Mitchell made strong points about our responsibility as a society to stop ignoring the disease, to learn about it, and to support people who suffer from it.  I recommend examining the transcript and putting her latest book, Addiction Nation: an Intervention for America, on your reading list.  I am putting her on my list of people to follow and will definitely read her writings.  As a mother of two daughters, and knowing of the history of addiction within our family, I owe it to them to continue to educate myself about the disease of addiction.  Thankfully, I know enough already to talk to my girls about the tragedy of Whitney Houston’s death.  I know enough already to be angered by ignorant comments regarding the way she died.   And I know that it is important for this week’s Wednesday’s Woman to be Jane Velez-Mitchell, a recovering alcoholic and courageous advocate for those who suffer from the disease.

{Each week I feature an inspiring woman in Wednesday's Woman.  If you know of someone to be featured please let me know.  Last week featured Dr. Mae Jemison, the first African-American female to go into outer space.}