Parenting a Fashionista

My 13 year old daughter, Sophia, is infatuated with fashion.  It's my fault.  Last July, I was pining over a Burberry coat I found online, showed her the image, and that was it.  Ever since, she's been moving rapidly towards wanting to be editor-in-chief of Vogue Magazine.

Sophia is very serious about her desire to work for Vogue.  She has learned names of top designers and has lightly studied the history of style trends.  She has watched the documentary film, The September Issue, more than a dozen times.  Her fantasies of meeting the boys in the band Big Time Rush have been replaced with fantasies of meeting Anna Wintour, the current editor-in-chief of American Vogue.  

Her dad is also at fault for her obsession with fashion.  Last September, he took her on a trip to New York City.  Seeing designer clothing that can only be found hanging in stores such as Saks Fifth Avenue and The Polo Mansion coupled with the intensely spirited energy of Manhattan added fuel to the fire.  And because of his connections in the clothing industry, her dad was able to get her a tour of Kleinfeld Bridal where she met the entire staff and cast of Say Yes to the Dress.  Oh yes, she was definitely star struck. But today when talking about Kleinfeld's, she talks more about the $10,000 couture gowns than Randy.

Sophia with Randy and a $10,000 gown.

I don’t have issue with Sophia's dream to be a fashion editor and I'm supportive.  She can write.  She has a talented eye for recognizing and creating things that are aesthetically pleasing. She's ambitious, smart, and a hard-worker.  I believe she can do it.  However, I do have issues with the images of fashion models flooding her brain on a daily basis.

Dialogue is key.  Sophia and I talk about images depicted in her monthly deliveries of Teen Vogue. Our conversations usually consists of me asking, “Do you think this is trashy or artful?”  

She replies, “Trashy.  The girls look too made up and the short skirts serve no purpose.  I mean, it's like the purpose is to show their legs and not to show the trendy skirts”

I say, “I agree.  It’s oversexualized.  I don’t think it’s necessary for the image to be sexy.  It ruins the beauty of the skirts.”

The conundrum of the debate over a short skirt being sexy or fashionable is just that--a conundrum.  But I try.
 

When I disagree with her deduction of a photo, I not only tell her why, I point out my reasoning for having an opposing opinion.  This can be tricky.  For example, she found this photo of Dakota Fanning posing for a Marc Jacobs fragrance ad to be artful.

Dakota Fanning (photo credit)

Hopefully you can see my issues with this one.  It’s obviously oversexualized and inappropriate. The juxtaposition of Dakota Fanning's young innocent look and the phallic-looking perfume bottle is downright disturbing to me.  But I wasn't sure if she was aware of it's inappropriateness.  I mean, what kind of former knowledge does she need to have in order to view this photo as inappropriate?  I hopefully thought, “Maybe colors make this photo appealing to her.  Maybe it’s the vintage look.  She likes vintage clothing.”

I proceeded with caution when discussing the young woman with the phallic fragrance bottle between her legs because my opinions were strong and I did not want to squash her willingness to share her thoughts and opinions with me. Too much passion on my part could cut off all conversation.  I also didn't want to delve too deeply into a conversation about under age girls in pornography and the many things that could be considered phallic symbols.

These tricky conversations happen frequently.  Hopefully, they are helping her to become more skilled as a critical thinker when it comes to viewing images exhibited in her field of passion, fashion. But, I ask, are our conversations enough to combat the multifaceted, underlying negativity in these images?  I am only one person who has one conversation with her approximately three times a week.  I mean, really.  I have a lot to cover—homework, time management, chores, respect and manners--and feel like I stand no chance at competing with the multitude of images that come her way every day.

Last Monday night, as I was tucking her into bed, I asked her about how she spent her free time at her dad’s over the weekend.  She told me she watched three episodes of America’s Next Top Model and explained she liked the show because of its clips of photo shoots and not because of the clips of drama between the aspiring models.  That was good, I guess.  I understand the appeal (I’ve been known to spend the weekend on the couch viewing trashy reality TV).  She proceeded to ask me about the winner of Cycle 14, Krista White.

Krista White (photo credit)

She said, “Do you think she is too thin?  I mean I was comparing her collar bones to Tyra’s and hers stuck out like a whole lot more.”

Collar bones?  My girl is observant.

The conversation turned into a passionate lecture given by me which included my opinion of how wrong it was for Tyra to pick someone so thin as the winner.  "I mean Tyra Banks has to know these young women are role models to aspiring models at home watching on TV!"  Well, it was more of a rant.  And it was lengthy.   

I did calm down enough to ask her what she thought of Tyra’s body.

She replied, “Tyra is beautiful.  She’s normal looking.”

Tyra Banks is anything but normal looking.  She is gorgeous.  However, I was relieved that it sounded as if Sophia had a trace of a healthy perspective of body image.  But I was still worried.  Did my rant sound as if I was putting down an industry that has lit her fire of enthusiasm and has inspired her to dream?

Dreaming.  Fashion is fantasy.

This post, this topic, has no end in site.  It is one that continues on a daily basis as I navigate my way through mothering a fashionista daughter in our media saturated world.  It's interesting because I am finding my own opinions of the images I see of women have changed over time. For instance, I used to see Angelina Jolie as the epitome of beauty.  Today, I see her as an example of a person who needs to be treated for anorexia nervosa, and whose disease is ignored because our ideals of beauty have become sickly skewed.  And it makes me mad.  Nevertheless, I hope to not crush any of Sophia’s dreams of being a fashion editor.  Heaven forbid I become known to her as, “My mother the dream crusher.” 

 

There’s a balance.  I don't know if I will find it.  But I won’t give up. The information and connections to others available via the Web make giving up on any parenting issue an act of inexcusable fear.  

 To be continued. . .

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.  For more information visit NEDA.

photo credit: pyrocam via photopin cc


 

Smartphones and Build-A-Bears

My girls spend their weekends at their dads during which time I receive updates regarding activities and the emotions evoked during happenings   via phone calls, text messages, emails, or direct messages on Facebook.  I never know exactly how the information is going to be delivered.  I have learned to employ my intelligent phone to be certain I do not miss an update.  Missing updates result in phone conversations that resemble this:

Daughter: “Mom, I am calling because you have not responded to my email.  Did you see my Facebook status?  I sent you the link in a text message.  And why haven’t you checked your voice mail? I explained the email which tells you about my Facebook update in it.”

Me: “What?”

The aforementioned comes from my older daughter, Sophia, who is 13.  My 11 year old, Antonia, sometimes sends me text messages but typically calls at night right before she goes to bed to say goodnight.  Details about her day are brief, but I listen carefully for subtle changes in her voice that indicate how she is feeling.  I often wish she would text, call, or email more, but she is a different type of communicator than her sister.  It is interesting to compare Sophia’s multimedia narratives to the minimal reflections provided by Antonia.  When put together, I can get a pretty good idea of what has been going on during their time with their dad, step-mom and step-sister.

Antonia and her step-sister spend a significant amount of time playing school with their Build-A-Bears.  They transform their dad’s living room into a very detailed classroom.  They hang posters, set up work spaces, and line up their bears with name tags.  One of these school sessions can last an entire day.  It’s serious business and serious fun.

The Build-A-Bears are also serious business.  Antonia and her step-sister each have one special bear that is treated like a child of their own.  They go shopping for their child-bears’ wardrobes and change their clothes according to the day’s plans.  During the week, when Antonia and her step-sister are apart, they update each other on their bears’ activities.

Two weekends ago, while the girls were at their dad's house, communication from Sophia was normal.  On Saturday, I knew they went out to dinner and had a treat at home—cookie cake.  I knew that, as usual, Antonia and her step-sister spent time playing school with their bears.  Antonia sounded great during our brief nightly talk on the phone so I didn’t press for details surrounding her day.  But Sophia sounded annoyed.  I chalked up her irritation to stress and tiredness (the girl will not stop, even during the weekends).

On Sunday morning, Sophia called and illuminated the cause of her annoyance.  I asked her how dinner was, and she replied, “Mom.  We went out to dinner to celebrate the BEARS’ BIRTHDAYS and the cookie cake was for their party at home.  Dad even bought them each a $10 gift card to get a new outfit, AND they picked out a G-rated movie for them to watch.  MOM.  Can you believe it?”

Upon my girls' arrival to my house later that afternoon, I welcomed them enthusiastically and said, “Hey.  How was the birthday celebration?  It sounds like it was a good time!”

Their dad confirmed that it was indeed a fabulous celebration whereupon Antonia looked down at the floor from embarrassment and Sophia plopped her entire body down to the couch accompanied with a giant sigh of disdain.

I ignored the drama on the couch, took Antonia’s chin in my hand, lifted her face to mine and said, “You know, I had a doll I played with until I left home for college.  I kept her and her little suitcase of clothes under my bed so that my older sister wouldn’t make fun of me.  I changed her clothes and combed her hair every day.”

She smiled.  

I asked Sophia if she thought her behavior was appropriate.  She rose from the couch and apologized to her sister.  Their dad went home, we unpacked bags, and the week went on without the bears' birthdays being mentioned.

On Saturday of last weekend my phone was buzzing, alerting me to incoming text messages.  I assumed it was Sophia with updates.  To my surprise, the messages were from Antonia.  But there were no words.  Only photos:

I was thrilled to hear from her.  Although her messages contained no words, I understood.  To me, the photos of her "school" said, “Thank you for accepting me for who I am.”  

Then the phone rang.  It was Sophia. . .

photo credit: William Hook via photopin cc

Save It for Later Saturday: Teens on Google+, Early Ed, and Picnik

In Save It for Later Saturday you’re getting a brief run-down of the stand-outs from my week's "Read Later" list.  This week, please replace the word Saturday with Monday.  I took the weekend off and watched movies while lounging on the couch with my dogs.  Don’t you love January?  You’ll love the best of my “Read Later” list from Diigo.

There are plenty of opinions on teens and social media.  In Driving Online Without a License I outlined my own opinion and experience with introducing Facebook to my daughter.  In short, I think that teens should use social media. But, just as parents set guidelines for social behavior when teens leave the house, guidelines must be set for social online behavior.  One way to create boundaries for online behavior is to establish rules for content sharing. Last week, Google announced that Google+ will now be open for teens ages 13-18 and created a different set of safety features for the age group.  I recommend going through the privacy settings on Google+ with your teen as she sets up her account.  Any interaction you have with your teen while she is online enhances her media literacy skills, her knowledge of online etiquette (netiquette), and provides opportunities for discussing what is deemed appropriate to share.  You can explore Google+ Features for teens in the Google+ Safety Center, download A Parent's Guide to Google+ from ConnectSafely.org, or read an in depth article by Larry Magid at Huffington Post.  

Speaking of teens, during last week’s State of the Union Address, President Obama proposed that in order to decrease the high school dropout rate, states should require students to attend high school until they graduate or turn 18 (currently only 21 states have this as a requirement).  Increasing graduation rates is good for the economy and I am for anything that helps kids stay in school.  However, as Henry M. Levin and Cecilia E. Rouse point out in the New York Times, the answer to school completion lies in quality early learning.  Additionally, researchers are discovering that early learning is significant to living a successful life beyond one’s school career.  If you are interested in finding out your state’s policy on early education, you can find information in the NAEYC's State Early Care and Education Public Policy Developments: Fiscal Year 2012.

Another announcement came from Google last week that may have upset more than a few.  The popular photo editing tool, Picnik, will no longer be available.  Fear not.  David Byrne, at Free Technology for Teachers offers a great list of alternatives including, FlauntR, GooEdit, and more.  You can find a complete list of Google product changes here.

See you next Saturday.

photo credit: Stuck in Customs via photopin cc
photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc
photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc

Save It for Later Saturday: the Election, Conflict Resolution, and Reassurance

In Save It for Later Saturday you’re getting a brief run-down of the stand-outs from my week's "Read Later" list. 

This week during one of our dinner conversations, my daughters fired off questions about the presidential election.  The questions were not difficult to answer.  I understand the electoral process.  But the questions were difficult for me to clearly answer in a way that was meaningful to them.  There’s a lot to the electoral process and they were not aware of much beyond voting, counting, and winning.  How much do your kids really know about the electoral process and how much of the electoral process can you accurately explain? 

photo credit

Scholastic News recently launched Election 2012 which provides answers to all election related questions.  The content is accurate, easy to read, and will capture the interest of school aged kids and adolescents.  The site combines information from Scholastic News with reporting by the Scholastic News Kid Reporters.  You’ll also find election-related games, polls, videos, and an interactive map that tracks the primary voting across the country.  Next time your kids are online, tell them you’d like to explore Scholastic News Election 2012 with them.  Get them involved and excited about this important time for our country.

If you have more than one child, it is certain there will be conflicts between them.  Siblings argue.  It’s normal.  It is wise to let kids figure out how to solve conflicts on their own.  But if they do not have tools in conflict resolution, you can't expect them to effectively settle disputes. 

In the current issue of the NAEYC's Teaching Young Children, Sharma Whitchurch and Jackie Sprague provide a great strategy for conflict resolution within the early learning environment.  The strategy, the daily designation of a student "Problem Solver", can be easily implemented into the home.  And the plan doesn’t need to be reserved for young children.  Older children, adolescents, and even adult members of the family will benefit from it.  I encourage you to look over The Problem Solver Job: Peer-Mediated Conflict Resolution and give it a try at home.

photo credit

Once you have your kids up to date on the electoral process and well-trained at conflict resolution, you will feel reassured that you are one great parent, right?  But then one of your kids asks, “Is Barack Obama running for president?” and the other kid smacks him on the head and calls him “stupid.”  You may feel as if all the time you spent was pointless.  So you turn to your blog to vent, check the stats and see your views are down for the day by 50%.  You think, “Oh well, at least I’ve been sticking to my resolution to run every day.”  You go to your scale, jump on and find you’ve gained one pound.  Where is the proof that you are doing something right?

My advice?  Read Seth Godin's post, The problem with reassurance.  After, give your kids a hug, write your next blog post, and go for a run.

See you next Saturday.

   

Throw Out the Gold Stars

source

When I began raising my daughters I was a proponent for the support of self-esteem development to the point of keeping them from situations that could be disappointing.  They received gold stars for making the bed, brushing their hair, being nice to each other. . . .   Bad idea.  I am still a believer that self-esteem matters, but my view has changed on how to be supportive, especially now that we are living in a world where everyone, even your child, is plugged in.

Technology and the internet are great tools that help us get a lot of our needs instantly met.  Kids, too, are able to satisfy most of their needs and desires through use these outside sources--resources found via the computer.  And I am sure you’ve experienced what occurs when the computer runs slow, or heaven forbid, Facebook is down—grunting, yelling at the screen, and the laptop snapping shut.  Is this how we want our kids to handle the failure of getting their needs met?

There are times when my daughter’s needs cannot be immediately met—Sally won’t be available to chat or her softball team loses the tournament.  She won’t always make the Honor Roll and I won’t always be home to fix the home network.   It is impossible to protect her from "losing" or "failing".  It's too exhausting and unrealistic.  And it causes the development of an emotional handicap, similar to not being able to handle the disappointment of hearing the word, "no".

In losing and failing, kids learn to deal with uncomfortable emotions.  When parents are there to be supportive when their child is experiencing uncomfortable emotions, the situation can prove to be an experience that increases self-esteem.  It teaches him that he is loveable no matter if he wins or loses and perpetuates his willingness to take healthy risks in the future.   More importantly, it prepares him to be ok with feelings that aren’t pleasant.  This is important because we do not want our kids to run from unpleasant feelings to drugs, alcohol, sex, the internet, food, and the like.

Losing is also an opportunity for children to explore their talents.  By all means, let your child try as many activities as she wants, but then use the not so successful experience to help her discern, "Is this my kind of thing, or do my talents lie elsewhere?"  If she always wins, how will she know what she does well?

And, no, we do not have to print out an award every time our kids complete a task.  Yes, when engaging in activities such as sports or theater, preparation and participation should be acknowledged as accomplishments because every activity requires self-discipline, commitment, and courage.  However, it is unrealistic to be extrinsically rewarded for every attempt our child makes (like getting a trophy for trying).  We must teach our children to honor themselves from a place within which supports the development of intrinsic motivation.  Otherwise, kids will only choose to participate if they are guaranteed a gold star.


Linking up with:

Hey Rookie, Don't Forget the Facebook Rules

You know you’re a rookie mom when you. . .

Last month in Driving Online Without a License, I shared the research project that my 13 year old daughter was required to complete in order to open her own Facebook account.  Along with the successful completion of the project, there were guidelines, or online rules, in which she was to follow.  All went well at first.  She was thrilled to have her project accepted and willing to abide by the rules.  However, I had no idea how many more expectations needed to be in place.

One guideline I set for Facebook was to limit the number of friends she accepted.  She was o.k. with this regulation.  She felt that friend collecting was a ridiculous attempt to look popular.  Agreed.  So, we established that she should limit her accepted friend requests to those that came from real friends.  I was content that we were in accord—mother and teen daughter in harmony, a blessing.

Her list of friends has increased to the count of 224.  It is difficult for me to believe that she knows this many people.  However, I failed to define what “knowing” really means.  And I failed to establish a number limit which I now think should be 50.  

50 friends are plenty to network with when one is 13 years old. Management of who sees what can be overwhelming.  I do not feel my daughter needs to be placed in a situation where she is no longer in control of who has access to her personal thoughts and information--material that can be re-shared by people she knows not well enough to trust, communication that can be misconstrued to mean something other than what was intended.

I also chose not to set an age limit on friends because there are adults I feel that are o.k. on Facebook, like parents of friends, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  However, one day I was spot-checking her computer (a task I will go over in a future blog post) and noticed that displayed in her messages was a profile picture of a young man that looked older than her typical friends.  He looked like someone in high school.  I think it was the fact that he had his arm wrapped around this year’s Homecoming Queen.

I do not usually read her messages.  I feel that would be an invasion of privacy.  I simply look down the row of profile photos displayed in the inbox to see with whom she’s been interacting.  But this one I read.  

The message was innocent from the point of view of a 13 year old.  From the point of view of the mother of a 13 year old girl it was manipulative.  And he gave her his number—just in case she "ever wanted to talk."

I was so mad.  Mad at him. Mostly mad at myself for not setting a boundary that needed to be set:  No private communication with anyone more than two years older.

Communicating with my daughter about this was tricky.  I had to tell her I read the message.  Whoa, the anger she displayed.  But, I understood.  I imagine she thought I read all of her messages. 

I had to explain that a senior in high school should not be privately communicating with a 13 year old female.  The dangers of girls with older boys are real.    She heard, “You were wrong for communicating with him and he is the Big Bad Wolf.”

By the end of the conversation, which to me felt like was happening in slow motion, she understood that she did nothing wrong.  The guideline for the age limit of who she has private communication with was set.  But I could have avoided causing her to feel as if she had done something wrong by setting the age restriction earlier—before she got onto Facebook.  I feel badly that my oversight caused her pain.  

That evening she posted as a status update something like I hate 8^th Grade.   I assume it was due to how she was feeling about our conversation, the new Facebook rule, or how difficult it is to grow up.  I was not alarmed by her update. 

Why?  

Because it didn’t say, “I hate 8^th grade and my mom is mean and I can no longer privately speak to John Doe.”  So, the research project complete with presentations and discussions about appropriate online behavior has worked.  But I’m definitely a rookie mom at this.  I am new to navigating as a rule maker and protector of my daughter through the world of social media—a place she needs to be in order to socialize, and a place I want her to  be while she is at home, in my care, and receiving my support.

She has taken a one month sabbatical from Facebook because she has the lead in the school musical and wants no distractions as she prepares.  I am the one that shared the article that suggests a social media break as a New Year’s resolution, but it was her decision to remove it from her plate.  To show my support, I too am on a one month sabbatical from Facebook. 

When we return, I plan to assist her in organizing her 224 friends into lists and possibly cutting the number down to 50.  This will teach her more about navigating Facebook appropriately and will offer me an opportunity to get to know her contacts.

Now onto the task that is Google Plus.  I understand that users can protect their privacy by creating circles.  But yesterday I noticed a gentleman--whose profile picture displays a moment in time when he decided to lick his shoe--has added me to his “acquaintances” circle. 

Is there any way to prevent others from adding me to their circles?  And who will want to add my 13 year old daughter to theirs?

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My Family's 2012 Plan for Giving

It's Time, by Maria Z.

Response to the 2012 Family Plan for Giving link up at Sperk*:

My family took a road trip to see friends for the New Year holiday.  It was great to welcome 2012 with special people that we do not often have the opportunity to see.  And the car ride provided an opportunity to discuss our 2012 Plan for Giving.

My daughters have different ideas of how they would like to engage in volunteerism.  Antonia would like to volunteer at an animal shelter because she loves dogs.  Sophia would like to volunteer at a senior living center.  My significant other is interested in helping both animals and seniors, so we will make the volunteer opportunities occasions of family time.

We seasonally clean out closets and drawers and donate gently used items to charity.  This is done by loading the van with several plump-filled garbage bags and dropping them off at the giant free standing bin next to the grocery store.  Honestly, I have no idea who gets the clothes we donate. 

My girls understand that although it is difficult to part with a pair of favorite jeans, those pants can become a favorite to a child in need.  But, as the old adage indicates, “Seeing is believing.”  This year, instead of leaving the bags at a drop-off bin, we will take items directly to organizations that are in need.  I want my daughters to SEE that their clothes actually go somewhere and are worn by actual people. 

   

Every group that we want to help may not need what we have to give. We have some research to do.  The internet makes it easy.  Most charitable organizations, homeless shelters, and community service centers have informative websites that allow me to discern if they are a good fit for my family.   I have confidence that we will find the right places to give our time, talent, and unused belongings.

 I have been using the GenerationOn website as a resource for finding the charities that fit with what our family can provide. There are also tips for organizing a complete community project if you are interested in a larger endeavor.  I particularly like the list of project ideas, big and small, that refresh and revitalize the ways in which a family can engage in giving to the community. 

“Family projects that involve giving to those in need during the holidays can be turned into powerful lessons that teach compassion, empathy, and meaning to children.”

  ~Dr. Marilyn Price-Mitchell

2012 Family Plan for Giving Link Up Update


Create and share your family's 2012 Plan for Giving at the link up here: Sperk*  Or leave your ideas in the comments!

Why should you participate?

Our children are coming down from a holiday high brought on by receiving great gifts. But remember, it is in the act of giving that children and teens gain the most satisfaction (Dr. Price-Mitchell, 2011).  By creating and linking up your family’s 2012 Plan for Giving you are making a significant impact your child’s development of compassion and empathy.

• Because the New Year was celebrated with such exuberance and many of my fellow bloggers have been on hiatus, I extended the deadline for linking up your family’s 2012 Plan for Giving to Thursday, January 5^th.  Voting for the “Choice Plan for Giving” will start on Friday the 6^th with the winner being determined on Saturday the 7^th.  The winner receives a $20 donation in their name to the charity of his or her choice.  
• Remember your plan does not need to be complex. 
• Your family may already be involved in volunteering and giving to your community.  Great!  Tell us about it.  This is about sharing ideas, lending support, and cheering each other on.  It is possible that we can make this a global movement!
  

Reference

Price-Mitchell, M., Ph.D. (November 21, 2011). The gift of giving: How holidays shape children's 

      identities. Roots of Action. Retrieved from

      http://rootsofaction.com/blog/the-gift-of-giving-how-the-holidays-shape-
      childrens-identities/




This post is linked up with lovelinks #38!

Link Up your family's 2012 Plan for Giving

“Family projects that involve giving to those in need during the holidays can be turned into powerful lessons that teach compassion, empathy, and meaning to children.”
  ~Dr. Marilyn Price-Mitchell

On the day after Christmas I wrote about the significant impact that the act of giving has on a child’s development. I also challenged my fellow bloggers to come up with an action plan to engage their families in the acts of giving and volunteerism. 

It’s time to share your family’s Plan for Giving in your blog!

Family Plan for Giving Linkup:

• What? Create a blog post describing your family’s strategy for helping others throughout the New Year. 

• How?  Your approach to giving may be as simple as donating your family’s gently used clothing to Goodwill on a monthly basis or going next door to help your neighbor with yard work.  Your plan may be as complex as having a new act of volunteerism coordinated with a monthly theme.  (GenerationOn is a great website that you can use as a resource for ideas)

• Action. Be creative, thoughtful, and mindful.  Be meaningful.

• Consider.  How will your Family’s Plan for Giving affect those you choose to help?

• Consider.  What kind of impact do you anticipate your Family’s Plan for Giving having on you and your family members?

• Action. Grab the button to add to your submission.

<a target=_blank href="http://lm.inlinkz.com/go.php?i=51790"><img target=_blank src="http://lm.inlinkz.com/br.php?s=150&i=51790"></a><img border=0 src=http://lm.inlinkz.com/cimp.php?l=51790>

• Action. Submit your plan, or blog post, by clicking the blue frog link, "add your link," at the bottom of this post.
  
• Action.  Read as many plans, or blog posts, as you can.  The inspiration for this linkup is to share ideas and lend encouragement to each other as we embark on an important journey--positively impacting our communities and positively impacting our children’s development of empathy and enthusiasm for charity. 

• Remember. The blogosphere is supportive, compassionate, and powerful.  If we do it right, we can change the world.

Be sure to come back on January 6, 2012  to vote on your favorites (do not vote for Sperk*).  The “Choice Plan for Giving” will receive a $20 donation in their name to a charity of their choice.

Don't forget to add the button to your blog!

 



Plan away. . .

Giving in the New Year

As you find a space in your top drawer for your new six-pack of socks, are you thinking about how to say thanks to the person who gave you that great necessity?  As your children fervently play with their new hand-held gaming devices, are they thinking of writing a thank you note to Santa?  It’s the day after Christmas and the kids are home on break.  There is plenty of time to establish ways to say “Thank you.”

Saying thank you by means of a hand written note, an email, or a cool video slide-show displaying how much your kids are enjoying their gifts can go a long way.  Dr. Price-Mitchell of Roots of Action, recently explained that our children gain the greatest “psychological rewards” through the act of giving, not through the act of receiving.  This may seem outlandish as we reflect upon yesterday morning’s squeals, smiles, and laughter.   But, in the quiet act of saying, “Thank you,” kids and teens are forming their values about giving—something that lasts longer than the novelty of a new gift.

After thank you notes are sent, we can find ways to sustain the spirit of giving all year.  Dr. Price-Mitchell  provides six ways to engage the entire family in the act of giving and volunteerism.  I am currently looking over one suggestion, getting involved at generationOn. GenerationOn has a great looking website that is bound to get your kids excited about helping others. There are sections for project tips, project ideas, and training with resources that make it easy to get involved in projects of your choice. It even gives recommendations to help your kids organize a Kids Care Club to involve their classroom community in the act of helping others. 

My kids called from their dad's yesterday and excitedly listed all the wonderful gifts they were given.  I am excited for them, of course, but concerned that if we do not do something to promote charity, they will miss out on a vital part of human development.   Dr. Price-Mitchell explains,, “Family projects that involve giving to those in need during the holidays can be turned into powerful lessons that teach compassion, empathy, and meaning to children.” 

Even though the gift giving is over, it is not too late to sustain our giving spirit.  There is another biggie coming up—New Year’s Eve.  When my kids return home on Wednesday, I am going to have a family meeting to discuss how we are going to give back to our community by helping those in need throughout the New Year.  I would like to include their dad's family too.  If we make an action plan as a family it will be more impactful than if I hand one down as a directive. 

I challenge you to do the same with your family.  Leave your ideas and/or what type of giving your family plans to implement for the New Year in the comments.  Thanks!

Or link up your ideas here! 

Reference

Price-Mitchell, M., Ph.D. (November 21, 2011). The gift of giving: How the holidays shape
        children's identities. Roots of Action. Retrieved from
        http://rootsofaction.com/blog/the-gift-of-giving-how-the-holidays-shape-
        childrens-identities/

Coupon Expires: Never

What started out as a day of observation for the ancient Christian church is now a day where kids sit by a perfectly decorated tree playing with what Santa has brought them for Christmas.  The evolution of the holiday and its traditions is not a fault of ours.  It became the day of the ultimate gift exchange at the turn of the 20th Century.  We can blame our ancestors for it.  But the commercial stress bomb of Christmas, we can blame on ourselves.  I have fallen for it many times.  There is insane pressure.  “What are you getting the kids for Christmas?” has replaced the ritual of asking, “How have you been?”  

For two-home families, giving Christmas gifts becomes a well-orchestrated event.  Dad’s giving the iPod Touch; I will give all the accessories.  "But wait.  I wanted to give them the iPod Touch.  They’ll think he loves them more than I do!" I have never said that aloud but I have worried about it.

It’s difficult to escape the message of over-commercialism.   It’s there every time I check my email and see another 50% off coupon code.  It’s there when my daughter comes home from school and says, “My friend Lucy is getting a pair of UGGs for Christmas.”  It’s there when I pick up milk at Kroger and see the wall of gift cards that gives subliminal suggestions.  It’s actually funny when they ask if I’d like to give one dollar to help end hunger.  “No, I can’t.  I have to buy my child this $50 gift card to Barnes and Noble.”  It's as if I am a better parent if I give my kids books instead of toys.

I am tired of the pressure.  I am tired of what it causes me to think.  I am becoming one of those people that do not agree with the tradition of giving my children gifts. Even if I couple the gift giving with a trip to the homeless shelter to help serve Christmas dinner, my kids will still think of Christmas as that day they get tons of presents.  But I am not to the point where I am going to announce, “This year there will be no gifts!”

They’re getting some clothes.  They need them.  Every year I get them a wall calendar for the New Year.  I am keeping that tradition. 

Last year I started another tradition:  making coupons.  I got the idea when I saw a romantic coupon book while in line at Barnes and Noble.  I thought, “why not make one for the kids.”

I didn’t have the time or the talent to make a book so I found a template at Microsoft Office.  I made 12 coupons for each daughter with the intent of them redeeming one per month.  I put them in coordinately decorated envelopes.  Coupons were  "Good For":

Day alone for Mom and Me  (Activities chosen by redeemer of coupon).

Mom takes a friend and me to the movies

One shirt from the Delia’s sale table

Breakfast in bed

Dinner out (Restaurant is redeemer’s choice).

Pizza Night

Sleepover with a friend at Mom’s house

One day of unlimited screen time

In-home pedicure

The envelopes contained one of each coupon with some of them duplicated to equal 12.  Some of the coupons, like the one for the sleepover, required planning, so I told the girls they had to let me know in advance--about three days--when they wanted to redeem them.  This worked out well because even if I couldn’t accommodate the coupon, I could plan for it the following month.  Then they selected an alternative coupon to redeem sooner.

Antonia has coupons left over that I am allowing to be rolled over into 2012.  Sophia lost some of hers and sometimes can be caught staring longingly at her sister's which are pinned to her bulletin board.  And both have asked if they are getting them again this year.

Yes, my girls will get coupons again this year.  I am looking forward to making them.  They are a yearlong reminder of the reason I give Christmas gifts to my girls:  because I love them.

Driving Online Without A License

Last year my young teen daughter began whining “I NEED A FACEBOOK!” at a pitch that would drive even the well-adjusted ear mad. This happened at least once a day with exponential growth occurring in how often and how loud this exclamation was heard.  On the rare occasion that she could calmly speak about the topic, her argument was that all her friends no longer used email or Google Buzz.  According to her, there was “. . . no way to keep in touch with everyone.” 

I found this a bit silly at first considering that I survived my teen years without the internet.  And yes, she no longer went to school with her closest friends, but she could always pick up the cell phone I provided for her.  And all of her new school friends lived within 2.5 miles of the house.  Why Facebook?

She exclaimed, “Everyone is on Facebook!”

She was right.  Even though I frequently discuss the perils of peer pressure, I could not see keeping her from the place where her friends were socializing.  It’s no longer at the corner pizza place, on the phone, or even via email.  Facebook is a necessity.

I did not want her to begin interacting on Facebook before she had a clear understanding of the responsibility tied to using technology for social networking.  If I said, “Here are the keys to the car,” before she had driver’s education, I would be off my rocker.  So here’s what I did:

I created a social media research project that had to be presented to me in order to open a Facebook account.  

The project included short essays and presentations on various topics concerning computer literacy and social media.  She wrote about the history of the computer, the internet, Apple vs. Microsoft, Facebook, Google, LAN and WAN, netiquette and Socialnomics.  Presentations were made using either a Microsoft Office or Web 2.0 tool.  

Photo Credit

She was very resistant to the project, but the desire to have a Facebook account outweighed her disdain for the idea of the work involved.  Because of her school work and activities, it took her three months to complete the entire list of project components.  And some I had her edit or do over until she illustrated she had an understanding of what she learned and how to apply it.  

Was it a lot of work?  Yes.  

Was it fun?  I am sure she would say, “No.”  But I disagree.

The video recorded interview that she did with her dad, a retail executive, for her presentation on Socialnomics, looked fun to me.  And her use of PowerPoint, Windows Live Movie Maker and Prezi for other presentations exhibited signs of fun and creativity.  She was also required to create a web page using Google Sites.  Even if she would not describe it as fun, I saw some excitement in her face when she was researching facts about the Beatles to include on her site.   

There was more complaining to endure when she reached the final component of the project because the required length was longer than the rest.  It was the most important entitled, 

How do I want the world to know me?

I explained that once she enters the world of social networking, she’s there forever.  Every post counts.  This is how everyone, all of the friends she wants to keep up with and the world, will know her.  There is no taking it back.  There is no chance of a verbal explanation of what she intended to communicate.  Posts online are Polaroid snapshots of her life on her permanent record.

She tackled the How I Want the World to Know Me presentation by using the web camera on her laptop.  She toted her open laptop around the house giving details about why she likes spending time in each part of the home.  This was clever.   Even though it is difficult to go unnoticed in this small house, I was pleasantly surprised by some of the specifics in her final edited video.

She was elated when the project was approved.  She squealed with excitement that she could finally become social again. She thought, “Project complete.  Facebook account opened.  Done.”

She was wrong.  I set up expectations for using Facebook.  Online safety is crucial. But this was more unpopular than the research project.  

Some of the guidelines I set are that I am to know her password, do random spot checks while she is online, and limit her time spent socially connected until after homework is done.  The time boundary is difficult because social media is a powerful collaborative tool for homework.  This is where coming into her room and peaking over her shoulder, or ‘spot checks’, becomes effective.

Online safety issues continue to emerge and evolve as she gets older and her circle of friends becomes larger.  I recommend setting a limit on the amount of friends your child has on Facebook.  I also recommend you know who your child is friends with on Facebook and know who she interacts with the most.  It’s not an easy task.  It takes time.  But remember, you can’t drive by the corner pizza shop to see if your kid is hanging out with the wrong crowd.  It’s online.

We can’t keep our kids from socializing online.  We need to support it just like every other stage of development.  This is our responsibility as global citizens.  We must not be afraid.

Even if your kids are already using social media, I encourage you to implement a research project.  The project can include how they use technology for socializing, school, and entertainment.  It will give them opportunities to try new applications, develop critical thinking skills, and become aware of online safety.  It will support the development of media literacy.

It may be fun to do a project with your child.  You can brush up on your knowledge of your home network, new software, and your own online persona.  But do not go back and look at your old MySpace profile.  That is, unless you want to show your kids what happens when you get the keys to the car without a license.

Zipper Binders and Braids

Heading into the weekend without an itinerary leaves opportunities for me to shift roles from task manager to parent.  The down time offers moments void of activity that foster the emergence of my daughters' true personalities.  This is a joy and gift, but sometimes can be overwhelming.  I have read that kids change in adolescence and become unable to listen and respond in a sensible way.  But I never thought my girls would actually exhibit this behavior as they morph into teenagers.

During a middle school orientation, the principal explained to parents that our children would lose things, forget things, and basically become unrecognizable.  I thought, “Sophia won’t.  She’s very organized, conscientious, and diligent at keeping up with things.”

Not long into the school year I began to hear, “I forgot my notebook in my locker or maybe it’s at Dad’s.  I don’t know, but I can’t even do the assignment anyway because the teacher hasn’t posted it on Power School.”

It was happening.  The principal's prophecy was coming true.  And it continues.

Sixth and seventh grade science classes seemed to be no problem for Sophia.  Eighth grade has been different.  Two weeks ago, after she explained to me she had to retake another test for mastery, I asked her how she studied for the tests.  She pulled out a folder stuffed with papers of several different scientific themes arranged in a motley mess.  

Then I asked if she kept a notebook, and she replied, “Yes.  I use one for every subject.”

I replied, “You mean you have a single notebook designated for each subject?”

She responded, “No.  I mean I use one notebook for everything.”

The notebook wasn’t even organized by subject or date.  No headings.  No sign of structure to be found.

I was puzzled for I now had no clue what was going on in that other note keeping device--that giant pink zipper-binder that is toted to and from school every day.  I guess it doesn't contain anything that is needed for studying.  Is it some sort of new fashion trend?

Not to fuel any sibling rivalry, I do have stories about Antonia that add to my astonishment.  I am saving them for later and I am sure more will emerge as we stumble through the next two days--the weekend.  These are the hours in which I can let go of task managing and become reacquainted with these young women who are testing the waters of independence.

Sometimes it’s scary to think they’ll have to navigate through life without me someday.  Until then, I will continue to tuck them in at night.  I will still braid their hair when they ask.  And I will always drive to school to retrieve forgotten notebooks.