“Communicating your love for your child is the single most
important thing you can do.”
~the editorial staff at familydoctor.org
Our Christmas is tomorrow, December 23. My coupons are not
printed and I still have bite size cheesecakes to make. If I had until the 25th, I doubt I
would have more accomplished—maybe more stocking stuffers purchased, but not
more cookies baked.
 |
| Tree, by Antonia, age 11 |
This requires communication. Technology has helped. My ex-husband and I primarily text and email. We call when
necessary and it's pleasant. When the girls are with him
and his family on the weekends, he keeps me updated on their happenings. When they are
here with me during the week, I regularly update him on their school
performance, personal issues, and activity schedules. We both are aware of what’s going on with grades,
crushes, friends, sleepless nights, tummy aches, and accomplishments—the big and the
small. We may no longer be husband and wife but we are still Dad and Mom.
The girls know that their dad and I communicate regularly. Our communication is apparent because the girls hear from their dad before dinner about a D- on a
science quiz. They know we have been talking when I ask, "How was going out for pizza on Saturday?'
Having two households is not ideal. Divorce is messy and emotionally
damaging. But I remember my therapist of
a few years ago telling me, "The most important thing you can do to help the
girls is to give them respect and love."
I respect them as human beings. I
love them as my daughters. Therefore, I
never let my fear or anger stand in the way of communicating with their dad. I do not always get it perfect. And when I don’t, I forgive myself, move on,
and try it another way the next time.
The other night, while tucking my 13 year old into bed, I
asked, "Are you looking forward to Christmas?"
I thought she may express some uneasiness over the irregular schedule caused by her school break. I anticipated hearing her express sadness caused from her parents being divorced. I expected her to be upset that she was having two celebrations and only one of us on Christmas day.
I thought she may express some uneasiness over the irregular schedule caused by her school break. I anticipated hearing her express sadness caused from her parents being divorced. I expected her to be upset that she was having two celebrations and only one of us on Christmas day.
She said, “Christmas is magical, Mom. Everyone is so happy. I am really looking forward to it.”
I said, “Even driving to Wisconsin to see your step-mom’s
family?”
She said, “Yes, I like going to Wisconsin. I have fun there.”
Well, if the kid likes Wisconsin in December, we are doing
something right.
There may be two home plates on this baseball field. There may be two managers. But there is only one team and the players are all-stars.
this is seriously wonderful. as a kid who grew up with two households and minimal communication between them (except family court and arguments), this seems like a dream come true. kudos to you and your ex for putting the crap and emotions aside to keep your family a family, regardless of how many houses it occupies.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to growing up in two households with less than desirable communication. As a result, learning to communicate has taken a lot of work and still does today. It's process and changes as quickly as the girls do. Thanks for your candid response, Ann. Hope the holidays are great for you and yours.
ReplyDeleteKimberly
Thank you for sharing this. As I'm stepping into the unfamiliar territory that is divorce, it's uplifting to know that even though there will be changes, they don't necessarily mean worse for our children. How you and your husband conduct yourselves--with respect and utmost regards for your children--is truly commendable. I hope those of us who have experienced divorce would read this post!
ReplyDelete@Sweaty Keep in mind that it was and is sometimes difficult to put aside my own feelings to be able to communicate regarding my girls--but it is so worth it. My thoughts are with you. If I can be of any help, you let me know!
ReplyDeleteKimberly
I love this. As a stepparent in an abysmal situation, I applaud you and your ex-husband's successful efforts to remain on the same parenting team. Keeping the kids' needs first is definitely the plan to have. Kudos to you all :)
ReplyDeleteI, too, am a step-parent. It's not easy for my wife and her ex to arrange things - in fact, they communicate through the grandmothers. It's especially hard since my wife's ex wants nothing to do with the kids EXCEPT at Christmas.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on being able to stay sane with each other for the kids. They deserve it.
Man, I would love to think I could be as generous and open as you are. I imagine the temptation to withhold...the information...the thoughts...the day-to-day goings on...to "have it over him" would be very alluring for me. Good for you guys. Filing this one for future reference. Hopefully, we will stay together but there is a lot to be gained from this post even for couples who make it.
ReplyDelete@Christine You expressed the part of this post that is missing. . .the temptations are there for me and sometimes hard to resist. But ultimately giving in would place the girls in the middle of something that does not belong to them. They should never have to carry more than what we've already dumped in their laps by getting a divorce. Thanks so much for your comments.
ReplyDelete@icantbrain I am grateful that I can communicate with my ex regarding the girls and do not have to rely on second-hand information which could come with first-hand opinions. I appreciate you sharing some of your story and hope the holidays finds you and yours well.
ReplyDelete@xl I need to get a new commenting platform so that I can respond appropriately underneath the comments! Thank you for your kind words. It is great to have support from others who are in a two household parenting situation.
ReplyDeleteKimberly
As a product of two home plates I wish my parents had done a better job of Mom AND Dad. I love that you embrace technology to keep each other in the loop. It is VERY important for your girls. Well done and what a breath of fresh air.
ReplyDelete"The most important thing you can do to help the girls is to give them respect and love."
ReplyDeleteAs a child like so many above me, I can so so so relate to this, but by doing what you said here it gives kids big and small the opportunity to enjoy and understand the magic of what Christmas can be. I love that your 13 year old said this to you, and I think my 13 year old self would have said the same thing, but can't be sure as I am not sure that we are all always on the same time and that the managers always understood that. To give them that gift is by far the best gift ever. It will set the stage for them as adults and as parents themselves. I hope you all had a very merry Christmas and that December in Wisconsin for the kiddos was oh so magical:)
@Jamie @Shannon your comments are very impactful and it is with gratitude that I say, "thanks for stopping by Sperk*" The gift of this blog, for me, is in the comments.
ReplyDelete@Jamie @Shannon your comments are very impactful and it is with gratitude that I say, "thanks for stopping by Sperk*" The gift of this blog, for me, is in the comments.
ReplyDeleteI think you are the epitome of grace, with respect to the way you handle things with your daughters and ex-husband. I love the part where you write, you may not be husband and wife, but you're still Dad and Mom. Kudos!
ReplyDelete@Alison. Wow. Thanks so much. Your words are encouraging.
ReplyDeleteKimberly
I KNOW I commented last night, but it's not here! Oh well. I applaud you too. As a step in a very blended family, I know it isn't always easy. But when you put the kids first, it's a lot less hard. And having such a strong, loving family has been a true blessing to us in these trying days. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteIt's so wonderful that you're still able to be Mom and Dad. So many kids don't have that after divorce. What a gift to your children!
ReplyDelete@Lolo To my dismay, I was a fool fooling around with DISQUS last night (comment system) and was afraid I would lose comments, so I backed out of the 'transferring comments' portion of the installment. Thank you for commenting again this evening. I agree that when we put the kids first, the other "stuff" can be assigned with proper perspective. Blessings to you.
ReplyDelete@ Jenny Leigh! Much gratitude to you for stopping by. The comments here, and at all blogs, are the good stuff--disclosure, conversation, and support.
I'm so glad you keep the kids' needs first. As a junior high teacher, I see what happens when the parents use the kids as weapons to hurt each other. Nobody wins, especially the kids. Good for you.
ReplyDeleteKudos on staying sane (to use the phrasing of another commenter)-- the temptation to be otherwise must be HUGE, especially given the general emotional loopiness that happens under the best of circumstances around holiday time. I have to say that, despite the complication of holiday sharing and the "two home base" family (great phrase), sometimes the idea of joint custody is really, really appealing...a little respite from the constant pressures of mommymommymommy...! hope the holidays (all of them) were happy for everyone.
ReplyDeleteWow! You both are such awesome parents for doing the right thing putting your kids first. Lot's of families with divided houses aren't so great. Those people should take note.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful example of how it should be done! You ought to be very proud.
ReplyDelete