Memories Captured: Remembering the Joy

In November of last year, 2011, news reports came out that there was a scandal of child sexual abuse at Penn State University.  Shortly after hearing the news, my significant other, M, recovered memories of his own child sexual abuse.  During the same time, I was at a crossroads in my relationship with my mother due to my own issues with childhood sexual abuse.  I severed all ties with her by February of 2012.  M is currently teetering on the fence with his family, exploring how to make their relationships work in light of his memories.

For families that have been torn apart by abuse, the holidays can be a heavy burden and filled with grief.  For M and me, 2012, this year, was the first year we did not have to make excuses to avoid Thanksgiving with family.  No one called to invite us.  On one hand, this was a relief.  I know that my healing cannot be done with my family in my life.  On the other hand, the grief that remains is something I would rather not contend with, for grief is a prize fighter.

During Christmastime 2010, as we were ushering in 2011, not knowing the aftermath of child abuse was going to plague our days at the end of the year and well into the next, we celebrated.  We sang.  We danced.  We loved.

During Christmastime 2010 we made a video. 

Last year, during the Christmas of 2011, we did not create a video.  In fact, I can’t find many pictures from then either.  I could say it was just too difficult with the girls going back and forth, to and from their dads for extended periods of time.  Or, we didn't have them on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, so what fun would it have been to make a video?  But those would be lies.  Last year, during the Christmas of 2011, we were heavy with grief.  The prize fighter had us in a TKO.  Although we didn't let our emotions keep us from having Christmas, we failed to conjure the spirit to capture the moments of Christmas.

Adult survivors of child abuse lose a lot of time.  Sometimes the good times are viewed through murky goggles of pain, anger, and sadness.  It takes a strange amount of courage to cut through the muck and be present.  Being present can take all of the energy leaving none for picking up the camera to capture the memories.

However, capturing memories is important.  Remembering the joy of the present offsets the pain of the past. 

Two bloggers I know, Galit and Alison, understand the importance of capturing memories.  They provide bloggers an opportunity to share their treasured moments each month in a blogging link up called Memories Captured.  I’m grateful for this.  It is a much needed reminder for me.  I do not want to lose any more time without it being documented. 

And so, to express my gratitude, I’m joining the link up this month.  My submission is our Christmas video from 2010.  It reminds me that we are a joyful bunch.  It gives me hope.  Maybe we’ll even create another this year.

photo credit: Brian Hathcock via photopin cc

Giving in the New Year

As you find a space in your top drawer for your new six-pack of socks, are you thinking about how to say thanks to the person who gave you that great necessity?  As your children fervently play with their new hand-held gaming devices, are they thinking of writing a thank you note to Santa?  It’s the day after Christmas and the kids are home on break.  There is plenty of time to establish ways to say “Thank you.”

Saying thank you by means of a hand written note, an email, or a cool video slide-show displaying how much your kids are enjoying their gifts can go a long way.  Dr. Price-Mitchell of Roots of Action, recently explained that our children gain the greatest “psychological rewards” through the act of giving, not through the act of receiving.  This may seem outlandish as we reflect upon yesterday morning’s squeals, smiles, and laughter.   But, in the quiet act of saying, “Thank you,” kids and teens are forming their values about giving—something that lasts longer than the novelty of a new gift.

After thank you notes are sent, we can find ways to sustain the spirit of giving all year.  Dr. Price-Mitchell  provides six ways to engage the entire family in the act of giving and volunteerism.  I am currently looking over one suggestion, getting involved at generationOn. GenerationOn has a great looking website that is bound to get your kids excited about helping others. There are sections for project tips, project ideas, and training with resources that make it easy to get involved in projects of your choice. It even gives recommendations to help your kids organize a Kids Care Club to involve their classroom community in the act of helping others. 

My kids called from their dad's yesterday and excitedly listed all the wonderful gifts they were given.  I am excited for them, of course, but concerned that if we do not do something to promote charity, they will miss out on a vital part of human development.   Dr. Price-Mitchell explains,, “Family projects that involve giving to those in need during the holidays can be turned into powerful lessons that teach compassion, empathy, and meaning to children.” 

Even though the gift giving is over, it is not too late to sustain our giving spirit.  There is another biggie coming up—New Year’s Eve.  When my kids return home on Wednesday, I am going to have a family meeting to discuss how we are going to give back to our community by helping those in need throughout the New Year.  I would like to include their dad's family too.  If we make an action plan as a family it will be more impactful than if I hand one down as a directive. 

I challenge you to do the same with your family.  Leave your ideas and/or what type of giving your family plans to implement for the New Year in the comments.  Thanks!

Or link up your ideas here! 

Reference

Price-Mitchell, M., Ph.D. (November 21, 2011). The gift of giving: How the holidays shape
        children's identities. Roots of Action. Retrieved from
        http://rootsofaction.com/blog/the-gift-of-giving-how-the-holidays-shape-
        childrens-identities/

A Two Household Christmas

“Communicating your love for your child is the single most important thing you can do.” 

 ~the editorial staff at familydoctor.org

Our Christmas is tomorrow, December 23. My coupons are not printed and I still have bite size cheesecakes to make.  If I had until the 25^th, I doubt I would have more accomplished—maybe more stocking stuffers purchased, but not more cookies baked.

Tree, by Antonia, age 11

We are celebrating tomorrow because we are a family of two households.  This year my daughters will be with their dad, step-mom, and step-sister on Christmas Eve and day.  This is problematic for some families and I understand why.  I can feel envious when it’s their father's turn to have them at his home on the calendar day of the holiday.  But this family is a baseball diamond with two home plates where the kids always come first.

This requires communication.  Technology has helped.  My ex-husband and I primarily text and email.  We call when necessary and it's pleasant.  When the girls are with him and his family on the weekends, he keeps me updated on their happenings.  When they are here with me during the week, I regularly update him on their school performance, personal issues, and activity schedules.  We both are aware of what’s going on with grades, crushes, friends, sleepless nights, tummy aches, and accomplishments—the big and the small.  We may no longer be husband and wife but we are still Dad and Mom.   

The girls know that their dad and I communicate regularly.  Our communication is apparent because the girls hear from their dad before dinner about a D- on a science quiz.  They know we have been talking when I ask, "How was going out for pizza on Saturday?'

Having two households is not ideal.  Divorce is messy and emotionally damaging.  But I remember my therapist of a few years ago telling me, "The most important thing you can do to help the girls is to give them respect and love."  I respect them as human beings.  I love them as my daughters.  Therefore, I never let my fear or anger stand in the way of communicating with their dad.  I do not always get it perfect.  And when I don’t, I forgive myself, move on, and try it another way the next time.

The other night, while tucking my 13 year old into bed, I asked, "Are you looking forward to Christmas?"

I thought she may express some uneasiness over the irregular schedule caused by her school break.  I anticipated hearing her express sadness caused from her parents being divorced.  I expected her to be upset that she was having two celebrations and only one of us on Christmas day. 

She said, “Christmas is magical, Mom.  Everyone is so happy.  I am really looking forward to it.”

I said, “Even driving to Wisconsin to see your step-mom’s family?”

She said, “Yes, I like going to Wisconsin.  I have fun there.”

Well, if the kid likes Wisconsin in December, we are doing something right.

There may be two home plates on this baseball field.  There may be two managers.  But there is only one team and the players are all-stars.

Celebrate Family with Web 2.0

We have plenty to do.  There are more cookie recipes to try, presents to buy and the tree has been up with just lights and no trimmings for three days. But after the gifts are opened and bellies are full, what do you do?  You can gather around your technological devices and remember 2011.  Here's some ideas:

Make a family infographic.  I got the idea from My Life as Prose.  Each family member can make their own infographic based on 2011, then you can share and compare.  Find infographic ideas at visual.ly, a site I came across in one of my daily reads Free Technology for Teachers.  Other Web 2.0 tools for creating infographics can be found at MakeUseOf.  (Always preview internet content before browsing with your kids or you may end up discussing things you haven't planned).

I quickly made a family themed infographic at Wordle.  My kids have used this application at school and love it.  The one below was done hastily but still turned out visually appealing.  You can copy and paste text from blogs, journals, and newletters written throughout the year or input words that identify meanigful people and events of 2011.  Once the text is entered, the app generates the infographic for you.  If you like, you can customize the layout, colors, and fonts.  

Get out the popcorn. Make a family film. Last year during the holiday break we made our own video.  We simply used our digital camera's video app and editing tools in Windows Live Movie Maker.  As an alternative, I know you can make some great video slideshows at Animoto.  My daughter made one for her dad of photos and videos from her birth to now and it brings tears to everyone's eyes.  This would be a great way to celebrate 2011 either by creating a video slideshow together or each family member making their own and comparing different perspectives of the same events.  Or you could film a "Year in Review" news broadcast, a cooking show demonstrating how to prepare the family's favorite meals of 2011. . . the possibilities are endless.

I haven't decided how we will make our family film this year, but it is fun to look back on the one from 2010:

Create a family treasure hunt based on family events that transpired in 2011 using the QR Treasure Hunt Generator.  This looks incredibly fun but I just stumbled upon it today via @russeltarr on Twitter and have not tried it.  It is definitely something I am planning to do for our New Year's Eve celebration.

Don't be afraid to incorporate Web 2.0 applications into your family time during the holiday break.  It's a great way to support your children's media literacy skills, which are vital to today's tweens and teens, along with sharing memories of 2011.  There are many more tools out there and if you have some to share, let me know!  Remember Ed tech is not just for teachers.

Coupon Expires: Never

What started out as a day of observation for the ancient Christian church is now a day where kids sit by a perfectly decorated tree playing with what Santa has brought them for Christmas.  The evolution of the holiday and its traditions is not a fault of ours.  It became the day of the ultimate gift exchange at the turn of the 20th Century.  We can blame our ancestors for it.  But the commercial stress bomb of Christmas, we can blame on ourselves.  I have fallen for it many times.  There is insane pressure.  “What are you getting the kids for Christmas?” has replaced the ritual of asking, “How have you been?”  

For two-home families, giving Christmas gifts becomes a well-orchestrated event.  Dad’s giving the iPod Touch; I will give all the accessories.  "But wait.  I wanted to give them the iPod Touch.  They’ll think he loves them more than I do!" I have never said that aloud but I have worried about it.

It’s difficult to escape the message of over-commercialism.   It’s there every time I check my email and see another 50% off coupon code.  It’s there when my daughter comes home from school and says, “My friend Lucy is getting a pair of UGGs for Christmas.”  It’s there when I pick up milk at Kroger and see the wall of gift cards that gives subliminal suggestions.  It’s actually funny when they ask if I’d like to give one dollar to help end hunger.  “No, I can’t.  I have to buy my child this $50 gift card to Barnes and Noble.”  It's as if I am a better parent if I give my kids books instead of toys.

I am tired of the pressure.  I am tired of what it causes me to think.  I am becoming one of those people that do not agree with the tradition of giving my children gifts. Even if I couple the gift giving with a trip to the homeless shelter to help serve Christmas dinner, my kids will still think of Christmas as that day they get tons of presents.  But I am not to the point where I am going to announce, “This year there will be no gifts!”

They’re getting some clothes.  They need them.  Every year I get them a wall calendar for the New Year.  I am keeping that tradition. 

Last year I started another tradition:  making coupons.  I got the idea when I saw a romantic coupon book while in line at Barnes and Noble.  I thought, “why not make one for the kids.”

I didn’t have the time or the talent to make a book so I found a template at Microsoft Office.  I made 12 coupons for each daughter with the intent of them redeeming one per month.  I put them in coordinately decorated envelopes.  Coupons were  "Good For":

Day alone for Mom and Me  (Activities chosen by redeemer of coupon).

Mom takes a friend and me to the movies

One shirt from the Delia’s sale table

Breakfast in bed

Dinner out (Restaurant is redeemer’s choice).

Pizza Night

Sleepover with a friend at Mom’s house

One day of unlimited screen time

In-home pedicure

The envelopes contained one of each coupon with some of them duplicated to equal 12.  Some of the coupons, like the one for the sleepover, required planning, so I told the girls they had to let me know in advance--about three days--when they wanted to redeem them.  This worked out well because even if I couldn’t accommodate the coupon, I could plan for it the following month.  Then they selected an alternative coupon to redeem sooner.

Antonia has coupons left over that I am allowing to be rolled over into 2012.  Sophia lost some of hers and sometimes can be caught staring longingly at her sister's which are pinned to her bulletin board.  And both have asked if they are getting them again this year.

Yes, my girls will get coupons again this year.  I am looking forward to making them.  They are a yearlong reminder of the reason I give Christmas gifts to my girls:  because I love them.