Showing posts with label observations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label observations. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Storybooks Got It Wrong



I switched off her desk lamp, turned to her closet with intent to shut its door and she said, “Leave it open. It helps me to dream.”

I was well aware of her obsession with fashion and her dreams of having a walk in closet the size of our small old house.  Without comment, I left the door to her dreams open and sat next to her on her bed.  I was smiling and ready for our nightly talk.

I listened as she recounted her recent birthday trip to New York City.  She described each Manhattan neighborhood.  SoHo was not what she expected, Chelsea was full of energy, Times Square was unreal, and Little Italy was crowded due to the number in attendance for the street fair.  However, one neighborhood was just right.

She said, “the Upper East Side was everything I pictured New York City to be.”

I was in agreement that the Upper East was lovely.  I added that it had one drawback--exclusivity.

Her eyes opened wide, and she said, “But I want that.  Not for the wrong reasons.  Mom, I can just see myself living there.  Dressing up my kids in cute little school uniforms, getting them into a cab.  I am wearing my Burberry coat neatly tied around my waist.  And everything is just perfect.  A great apartment.  Everything.”

I searched for words that would not sound judgmental, but would point out my concern.  I gently put my hand on her blanket-covered belly and patted it as I said, “It’s what’s in here that determines your happiness.  Don’t ever forget that.”

She said, “I know.  Mom, you aren’t going to cry are you?  You look like you are going to cry.”

I held back my tears and smiled.  I kissed her on the forehead and wished her pleasant dreams and a well-deserved rest.  

As I continued my nightly routine of emptying the dishwasher and folding laundry, I clung to her words.  I searched for the source of the tears she witnessed filling my eyes.  I looked around our tiny house and noticed the scratched wood floors, the chipped baseboards, and the water-spotted ceiling.  I was reminded that that I could not afford a plumber.  My body went down with a plop to the couch--the couch I bought 13 years ago.  It was old.  I cried.

Her fantasy on the Upper East Side paralleled life before I divorced her dad:  a lovely home at the end of a cul-de-sac, a pool, and daily commutes to a private school.  The impression of her smiling mom and dad was burned into her heart.  She was not an outsider gazing upon a smokescreen.  For her, the vision was real.  

Was I wrong to desire authenticity and divorce her dad?  In doing so, I destroyed her happiness.  Was she trying to recapture a time of contentment, a time she understood, by creating a picture-perfect life for herself in the future?

Later, as I tried to put myself to sleep, I saw a time when I will not be close enough to tuck her into bed.  I will not be there to listen to her dreams.  I will not be able to comfort her the moment when she realizes the storybooks got it wrong.










photo credit: jamelah via photopin cc

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Dan Patrick Crushed My Morale



I am a sports fan.  I share my enthusiasm for sports with my significant other, M. What we do not share is a liking for day-long sports news updates provided by ESPN streaming via the TV in the living room.  It’s turned down to a low volume thanks to my numerous pleas.  But it is always on.  Other sports networks show up as well.  M is not an ESPN loyalist.  But I am not aware of what the other sports news outlets are, nor do I care, unless the news is about the Pittsburgh Steelers or the broadcaster is Dan Patrick.

Over the years, in an attempt to connect with M, or use him as a pillow while taking a short nap after getting the girls off to school, I would join him in watching Mike and Mike in the Morning airing on ESPN.  The show became annoying to me because the hosts, Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic, were repetitive, lacked in-depth analysis, and in my opinion, seemed afraid to share their true opinions on topics they covered.  So one morning, after Mike and Mike, M turned the channel over to The Dan Patrick Show assuring me I would enjoy the host, Dan Patrick, much better.  The fact that he was a native of Ohio and defector of ESPN also intrigued me.

As time went by, Mike and Mike became completely replaced by the Dan Patrick Show.  On mornings when I chose not to be lazy and nap in front of the TV with M, I found myself choosing to do sedentary work on my laptop (in lieu of housework which requires movement) so that I could strategically place myself in view of the TV so as to not miss the Dan Patrick Show.  But the day I can say I officially became a fan of Dan Patrick was when his show aired the morning following the weekend that the  Penn State child sexual abuse scandal broke in the media.

I was glued to the show for the entire week.  No napping.  No work.  Just watching. Dan Patrick’s coverage of the child sexual abuse scandal at Penn State was phenomenal.  No other show or network, covering sports or headline news, gave it comparable reporting.  Dan Patrick’s handling of the topic was intelligent, factual, sensitive to the victims, heavy handed on the alleged perpetrator and conspirators of cover-up, and gave voice to victims of child sexual abuse.  In essence, he put down his sports reporting notepad and pencil and picked up a poster printed with bold lettering, “CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE IS WRONG.”

As a survivor of child sexual abuse, to me, this was powerful stuff.  Typically when stories like this reach the media, controversy and debate ensue giving more voice to the alleged perpetrators in order to maintain the façade that powerful institutions are impermeable to such horrific accusations.  Movement is usually swift in protecting the establishment’s reputation.  Cover up is priority.  Excuses are mandatory.  But this was not the case with the story in the hands Dan Patrick.   

He took time to tell his viewers of the impact that child sexual abuse has on victims—the damage it does to victims' lives for years into adulthood.  He would not be moved by callers with varying opinions of Joe Paterno's status as coach of the Penn State football team.  Paterno knew of the crimes committed and failed to report them to authorities other than higher ups at the university.  Dan Patrick bravely stated, “Joe Paterno has lost the right to be the head coach of Penn State.”  He even took calls from victims of child sexual abuse, allowing them to share bits of their stories.  Callers always ended with an outpouring of gratitude, thanking him for using his show to shed light on a topic that gets swept under the rug far too often.

Dan Patrick is good at what he does. I'd say, he is one of the best.  He gives insightful commentary on sports news and couples it with clever entertainment in his banter with his show's supporting cast.  He's a stand-out co-host on NBC’s Football Night in America and was bestowed the honor of presenting the Super Bowl XLVI trophy to team winning quarterback, Eli Manning.  He has also made several appearances as an actor on the silver screen and I think he’s talented enough to take over for the menacing David Letterman.  So yes, I am a fan of Dan Patrick. . .

. . .or was, until last week.

I had been aware of The Dan Patrick Show's Wall of Morale but had never given it much attention.  If you aren’t familiar, the Wall of Morale is an area in the show’s studio devoted to posters of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition covers.  I must have missed viewer competitions from years past wherein votes are cast to determine which poster comes down off the wall to make room for the current cover.  But last week I caught this year’s ridiculous hoopla while peaking over the screen of my laptop.  And I was angry.

"With great power comes great responsibility."
~Stan Lee
I truly believe that when one has been given talent they are charged with using that talent and sharing it with the world in order to make change.  The change doesn’t always have to be magnificent in the number of people affected, nor does it have to have the impact to be a catalyst of world peace.  One's work, even if it changes only one person for the better, is significant. It’s not for the talented to determine if his impact is going to be great enough to make a difference. The talented only needs to determine how much fear he will allow to get in the way of his expression.

When Dan Patrick covered the Penn State scandal with such skill and insight he raised the bar for sports journalists and broadcasters.  He courageously answered his call and responsibility as a man with talent.  He embraced his position of having a powerful voice in the media and used it as an opportunity to raise awareness.  His was a shining moment in broadcasting and one in which the world of news media should use as a lesson in ethical and honorable reporting.

Contrarily, for him to devote so much of his show's time to making the decision of which model to keep on the Wall of Morale, making the objectification of women a colossal event, was not only wrong, but a horrific departure.  I was deeply, incredibly disappointed.  In my eyes, another great voice failed to go "against the grain" and sold-out in the name of a pay check.

Dan Patrick must not have been aware of findings from the APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls and cited by Miss Representation that indicate:
  • the hyper-sexualization of women is linked to depression and eating disorders. 
  • the pornification of women in main stream media is numbing boys and men to the true value of women. 
Dan Patrick had an opportunity to speak on the crisis of the objectification of women in America to an audience wherein the message is desperately needed and to an audience who has his full attention—sports fans.  He proved he can make a difference in how people view critical cultural topics during his coverage of the Penn State scandal.  In his silly enthusiasm over the Wall of Morale, he succumbed to fear—fear of losing members of his fan base, fear of losing support of SI.com who hosts his show’s website, and fear of looking less macho to a world full of hot women who he refers to as “shorties” and  then jokes about making room for them in his bed.
 
"Every society has a way of torturing its women, whether by binding their feet or by sticking them into whalebone corsets. What contemporary American culture has come up with is designer jeans."
~Joel Yager, M.D.

One last point.  Dan Patrick has a daughter.  All I can surmise is that he does not find raising a daughter in a world that objectifies women to be challenging.  I really wish I could ask him how he does it.  Does he tell her it’s OK to be valued for sex?  I bet he does not.  And I bet, one day, she’ll identify his hypocrisy and be as disappointed in him as I am.




photo credit: The Cut via photopin cc

photo credit: cattias.photos via photo pin cc

Friday, December 23, 2011

A Two Household Christmas


“Communicating your love for your child is the single most important thing you can do.” 
 ~the editorial staff at familydoctor.org

Our Christmas is tomorrow, December 23. My coupons are not printed and I still have bite size cheesecakes to make.  If I had until the 25th, I doubt I would have more accomplished—maybe more stocking stuffers purchased, but not more cookies baked.

Tree, by Antonia, age 11
We are celebrating tomorrow because we are a family of two households.  This year my daughters will be with their dad, step-mom, and step-sister on Christmas Eve and day.  This is problematic for some families and I understand why.  I can feel envious when it’s their father's turn to have them at his home on the calendar day of the holiday.  But this family is a baseball diamond with two home plates where the kids always come first.

This requires communication.  Technology has helped.  My ex-husband and I primarily text and email.  We call when necessary and it's pleasant.  When the girls are with him and his family on the weekends, he keeps me updated on their happenings.  When they are here with me during the week, I regularly update him on their school performance, personal issues, and activity schedules.  We both are aware of what’s going on with grades, crushes, friends, sleepless nights, tummy aches, and accomplishments—the big and the small.  We may no longer be husband and wife but we are still Dad and Mom.   

The girls know that their dad and I communicate regularly.  Our communication is apparent because the girls hear from their dad before dinner about a D- on a science quiz.  They know we have been talking when I ask, "How was going out for pizza on Saturday?'

Having two households is not ideal.  Divorce is messy and emotionally damaging.  But I remember my therapist of a few years ago telling me, "The most important thing you can do to help the girls is to give them respect and love."  I respect them as human beings.  I love them as my daughters.  Therefore, I never let my fear or anger stand in the way of communicating with their dad.  I do not always get it perfect.  And when I don’t, I forgive myself, move on, and try it another way the next time.

The other night, while tucking my 13 year old into bed, I asked, "Are you looking forward to Christmas?"

I thought she may express some uneasiness over the irregular schedule caused by her school break.  I anticipated hearing her express sadness caused from her parents being divorced.  I expected her to be upset that she was having two celebrations and only one of us on Christmas day. 

She said, “Christmas is magical, Mom.  Everyone is so happy.  I am really looking forward to it.”

I said, “Even driving to Wisconsin to see your step-mom’s family?”

She said, “Yes, I like going to Wisconsin.  I have fun there.”

Well, if the kid likes Wisconsin in December, we are doing something right.

There may be two home plates on this baseball field.  There may be two managers.  But there is only one team and the players are all-stars.


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Judge and the Coach







It’s been two weeks since Hillary Adams posted the video of her father, Aransas County Court-at-Law Judge William Adams, beating her with a belt.  The scandal involving Penn State covering up child sexual abuse has been heavily covered in the media since the story broke on Saturday.  The old adage, “When it rains, it pours,” is certainly applicable to child abuse in the media.  If you haven’t been talking about it, at least a little, then maybe your umbrella is a little too efficient at being a protector from the elements.

Many have been outspoken about the case for spanking children. This stance never fails to amaze me; therefore, I have been pouring over APA research documents to understand the difference between acceptable corporal punishment and child abuse.  It is a complex issue because some believe that corporal punishment delivered in a controlled manner is an acceptable means of providing consequences for behavior.  But research points to the fact that even light, controlled spanking can lead to increased aggression and anti-social behavior.  And the spanked child is likely to abstain from the punishable behavior only when not in the presence of the spanker.
APA on corporal punishment

I don’t know about you, but I would rather put forth the energy it takes to engage in positive discipline (which takes longer and lacks the result of instant behavior modification) than worry if my child will behave if I’m not around to spank her.  The results of positive discipline are about positive child development—results that are lasting and help children to become conscientious critical thinkers.  And really, if you do not want your children to grow up believing that hitting someone is the way to solve problems, then do not hit your children—out of anger OR in a controlled manner.

The Penn State football team is currently practicing with their coach, Joe Paterno.  I can’t help but wonder what those players are thinking?  It sends a message to those young men that Penn State thinks it is acceptable to protect child molesters.  It sends the message that the upcoming senior football game is more important than the soul of a child.  I’m sorry folks, but college football players are still developing human beings and a university is charged with giving them the right message so that if these players witness their buddy sodomizing a child, they do the right thing.  Paterno did it wrong and should be gone, like yesterday.  It’s very similar to the Catholic Church who responds to abuse allegations by saying, “we knew and we told the Pope.”  Excuse me, who was the one who dropped the ball on calling the police?

There is much more to both issues of the judge and the coach.  And I am sure to revisit the topics regularly.  What is important NOW is that the focus shifts from what is going to happen to the judge and the coach to what WE can do to prevent child abuse.  Here’s a good place to start:

Thursday, October 27, 2011

A Morning in the Life


Day two of the “About Me” blogging exercise.  Routine and rituals are important for kids.  I thought if you had a glimpse of our morning routine, complete with most rituals, you’d get to know Sperk* a bit better.  Here’s a timeline:

6:00 a.m.             
  • Open Eyes, check to see if breathing, if yes, continue
  • Make Sophia breakfast which consists of a Balance Bar and a cup of 2% milk
                            

6:15 a.m.               
  • Wake Sophia 
  • Sit across the table from Sophia, both have our laptops, and discuss what we have found interesting online 
  • Play Fashion Story, WordFeud, and Words with Friends
  • Check Twitter, read articles and blogs of interest, save thought-provoking items in Diigo
  • Check Cozi Family Calendar
                     

                             

                   
 6:45 a.m.              
  • Sophia gets ready for school
  • Open Spotify
  • Pack Sophia's lunch which usually consists of a sandwich with processed meat, cheese, and mustard; apples (sometimes strawberries); carrots; a bag of chips; and a Horizon Organic Chocolate milk

 
7:00 a.m.              
  • Tend to Sophia’s wardrobe, chore, and after school requests/needs
  • Let dogs out. (Bexley has an ordinance wherein residents cannot have barking dogs out before 7am or I would do it sooner)
7:15 a.m.              
  • Make Antonia’s breakfast (same as Sophia’s)
  • Let dogs in

7:25 a.m.              
  • Wake Antonia 


 
7:30 a.m.               
  • Drive one mile with Sophia in passenger seat of car. Drop her at BMS.



7:35 a.m.             
  • Home. Listen to Antonia’s complaints which usually consist of, “I am tired, I have a headache, and my nose is stuffy," because she is usually tired and is allergic to our Chihuahuas
  • Let dogs out (they have tiny bladders)
















7:45 a.m.              
  • Encourage Antonia to get ready for school
  • Pack her lunch (Same as Sophia's)
  • Let Dogs in
  • Play Fashion Story, WordFeud, Words with Friends; fold laundry (if necessary), Tweet, read something online and share to Twitter or email via Shareaholic           
8:20 a.m.              
  • Yell to Antonia’s bedroom that she has to be at school in five minutes

8:25 a.m. 
  • Frantically put Antonia’s lunchbox into her backpack that she carries from her room once she emerges
                            
 8:26 a.m.               
  • Yell things like “I love you!” and “Have a great day!” very loudly out the door to Antonia as she walks down the street heading towards school
 8:25 a.m.               
  •  Let dogs out

               

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

About Who?


This “About Me” business has me a bit flustered and miffed.  I would like it to be short and sweet. Concise. Succinct. Interesting.  I have written and rewritten the widget to the left several times.  It is all process.  But this needs to be less of an evolving beast and more permanent.  Decisions.


The next (pick a number) blog posts will be different versions of “About Me” entries.  I am going to get creative.  (Hopefully that was a 'self-fulfilling prophecy' sort of statement.) 

I recently read a post by Galit Breen  http://theselittlewaves.com/category/writing-tips/ (great blog, you should follow) about including vlogs in blogs.  I will do that.  I realize I’ll need to upgrade to a better hosting site and get the “About Me” to its own space.  Until then, I’ll just keep writing.   

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Good Morning





A sunny October morning in Bexley, Ohio.  I drove up to my house after dropping off my daughter at school and noticed, not for the first time, that the house needs painted.  I entered through the front door into the tiny living space to find my younger daughter sitting at the kitchen table staring down at her plate which held a cookie dough flavored Balance bar.  It was accompanied by a red Fiestaware coffee cup full of 2% milk.  She was still waking up.  I couldn't decide if I wanted to finish making her lunch, check to see if anyone made a move on WordFeud, or go to the bathroom.  So I let the dogs out.  It had been at least 20 minutes since they ate and surely it was time to offer them some relief of their little organs.  With Scruffy, Tina, and Frodo outside yapping at the wind and annoying the neighbors, I decided to ask Antonia if she wanted the straightener plugged in.  I thought she may feel better about the day if her hair was done.  She typically just brushes it and it looks good--she's beautiful--but I was attempting to be a supportive mother.  "What would help her through the day?"  And unlike the exterior of the house which will have to be put on hold, her exterior can be updated, or spruced up, in order to maintain hope throughout a busy autumn school day.  I felt it was the least I could do to contribute to her mood.  To help elevate it and make her energized and excited about life.  Sometimes, moms can't leave well enough alone, for she typically perks up in time to leave for school and walks with a spring in her step for the entire one block journey.  It's just those moments when I think there may be something less than happy abound, I need to fix it.  Even though I know better.