Wednesday's Woman: This is a Safe Place

I am grateful for the overwhelming response to the call for submissions to Wednesday’s Woman.  

Your contributions to Wednesday’s Woman are impactful to many.  With your help, we are spreading the word that transformation does happen.  If you'd like to add your name to the list of guest bloggers you can let me know via Twitter, email or by mentioning your desire in the comments section following today's feature.

Today, please welcome back Anna Mahler from The Mommy Padawan, a monthly contributor to Wednesday’s Woman.  Anna shares my passion for seeking out women who can be highlighted because of their ability to be a catalyst for positive change in the lives of others.  Anna also understands that one not always has to look across our borders for opportunities to help.  After reading Anna's feature, you'll be inspired to look right outside your front door for that opportunity you've been missing. 

Remember to spend some time at The Mommy Padawan.  Her space is warm and empowering.  Her steadfast mission to end child abuse and bring love and peace to the world inspires.  I include her within the ranks of women who have been a catalyst for my own growth and I'm certain she will do the same for you. 

Wednesday's Woman

Diane Latiker

by Anna Mahler

Video Still via CNN

Diane Latiker is an incredible woman. She is a mother and grandmother who stepped forward in her community, unafraid to help or of being judged. She believes in the potential and good in young people and recognizes the possibilities created by positive change – for the children she helps everyday and the area where they live.

Diane Latiker has lived in Roseland for over 20 years, one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in Chicago.  When her youngest child became a teenager in 2003, Diane was concerned for her daughter. They lived in a violent area, surrounded by drugs and gangs, and there wasn't much for kids to do so Diane started taking her daughter and her friends to safe activities like swimming and to the movies.

Encouraged by her mother about the impact she was having and how much the kids liked and respected her, Diane decided to reach out, not only to her daughters' friends but to all of the kids in their community.

Welcoming them in to her own home, Diane made it known she was providing a safe place for kids to come any time of the day or night for food, help with homework or just to have someone to talk to. She called her program, Kids Off the Block.

Many were just viewed as “bad kids” but once they started coming to Diane, even gang members began opening up about how they wanted more for themselves.

"I invited them into my living room," she said. "They all started saying: 'I want to be a doctor. I want to be a rapper. I want to be a singer.' They didn't want to be out here running up and down the street. They wanted to be involved in something." (CNN)

As Diane began to see the positive impact of her work, she eventually left her day job to dedicate even more time to helping the young people in her area. She set up tutoring with teachers and retired educators, provided job interview skills, opportunities to play sports and even organized field trips.

When surrounded by violence and struggle, it's easy to feel like this is just how life is and there are no other options available. Having the opportunity to see that there are many other places and ways to live, different from what they see everyday on their block, can provide the hope that starts incredible, positive changes for a child in need. 

After touring her home and program, donors provided enough funding for Diane to purchase a building  and Kids Off the Block opened the doors of its new home on July 15, 2010.

Kids Off The Block  is open to children and young people ages 11 to 24, providing alternatives to gangs, drugs and violence through mentoring, tutoring, sports, job readiness skills, GED preparedness and heath and fitness programs to name a few.

They also host annual events like Safe Summer BBQ, Feed A Teen Thanksgiving Day Dinner and Champions for Teens Awards.

To me, this is the ultimate example of living the proverb “it takes a village to raise a child”.  Diane clearly shows, you don't have to be a biological parent to help a child become happy and successful.

It is also a beautiful example of how we are all connected. By providing hope and alternatives to violence and crime, Diane not only saves children but is creating a safer community and happier, more successful future adults.

Diane Latiker was chosen as a CNN Hero in 2011: 

Ten Make it Easier

photo credit

I had visions of getting into a disciplined blogging groove last week while the kids were on Spring Break with their dad.  However, it turned out that having an extended play-date with my significant other, M, overruled all regulation of activity.

Thankfully, I can ease back into things with a relatively easy Monday Listicles.  Terri, of Terri Sonoda, came up with today's topic, "10 Things That Make Life Easier."  I know that the great blogging community created by Stasha at The Good Life, is one thing that certainly makes Monday easier, and I am grateful.

 

Ten that make life easier (in no particular order):

Car – It’s old, but it works. The bus line here isn’t extensive. I feel for those I see waiting at the stop.

Mini Shop Vac – Collects all the stray dog hair left on EVERYTHING by my three Chihuahuas.

Samsung Epic Smartphone – I rarely use it as a phone; I don’t like to talk. I use it for texting, Twitter, and playing Word Feud and my latest addiction, Draw Something.

Toshiba Laptop – I’m on it now, later, and a moment ago.

Google – I look up everything.  And I enjoy the Droid OS on my smartphone.

Spotify – It helps me stay connected to my teen by sharing music.  And I love music.

Microwave – I’m no chef.  Everything would be raw if it weren’t for the ol’ thing.

Bank Card – I don’t even want to imagine life without automatic teller machines and online shopping.

My Dogs – They make me smile.

My Girls and M – They make it all worthwhile.

Pros and Cons of Being a Kid

It’s Monday. Time for Monday Listicles brought to you by Stasha, photographer extraordinaire, at The Good Life.  This week’s theme is kids—reasons it’s great to be a child or reasons it is not.  I know I would really enjoy being a kid again.  What about you?  I also know  I really enjoy the Monday Listicles community and I encourage you to check it out and participate.  I mean really, how long does it take to create a list?

Pros and Cons of Being a Child...

Tween... Teen...

Confused Mini-Adult with Toddler Tendencies

Pro: You don’t have to go to work every day.

Con: You have to go to middle school every day.

Pro: You don’t have to do laundry.

Con: Your favorite jeans are never clean the day you want to wear them.

Pro: If your mom feels guilty about your favorite jeans not being clean, you’re most likely going to convince her to get you a glass of milk even though you can get it yourself.

Con: When there is no milk in the refrigerator, you have to wait for someone with cash and wheels to go out and get some.

Pro: You get summers off.

Con: If you act bored during the summer, you’ll be recruited to walk to the store to replenish the milk supply because, “It’s nice outside.”  When you get home, you’ll be recruited to wash the car, clean out closets, and walk the elderly neighbor’s dog.

Pro: You can still get away with playing with your Build-A-Bears.

Con: Your mom blogs about you playing with Build-A-Bears.

Pro: If it's raining, you can contact your mom via your cell and get a ride home after school.

Con: Your mom shows up to pick you up after school in her red plaid jammie pants.

Pro: Your biggest worry is that big math test on Thursday.

Con: Your biggest worries are Friday’s wardrobe decision...who’s going to show up to your party on Saturday...if Mom will get to your laundry on Sunday...Monday’s big zit on the end of your nose...

the big Tuesday surprise of your embarrassing photos from early childhood being posted on Facebook ("MOM, I am totally un-tagging myself!")...

...AND...

wondering on Wednesday if there will ever  

be 

a 

day 

when 

you 

have 

control 

over 

your 

life.

      

 

photo credit: Zoë Campbell via photopin cc

Exit Stage Left: No More Intolerance

I am  gratefully acknowledging Jen aka Fox in the City by picking one question out of many to answer posed to me during last week’s 11 Questions blogging amusement:

Q: What is your customary order at Starbucks?

A:  Venti soy latte with an extra shot of espresso

I like caffeine, which explains the extra shot.  I am lactose intolerant, which explains the soy.  I have something to say about intolerance, which is why I chose the question.

in·tol·er·ance   [in-tol-er-uhns] noun

incapacity or indisposition to bear or endure

When one is intolerant to certain types of food, one needs to avoid these things in order to feel comfortable.  This is easy to understand.  If dairy makes me have terrible abdominal pain and results in distressing expulsions of gas, then by all means, I am going to deny myself dairy products. 

But what about emotional intolerance? 

I deal with my own emotional intolerance all the time and I am sure you do, too.   I can’t tolerate whining and complaining. Of course, I am intolerant to whining and complaining from my girls.  But I listen.  In these emotionally amped up expressions, my girls are telling me that they have needs that require expression and attention.  My job as a mom is to identify that the whining is a symptom of an inability to communicate effectively.  Simply stating, “Don’t whine,” doesn’t work.  That strategy negates the need, ultimately negating the person.  A better way to go about it is to say, “I hear you are whining.  Can you express your need in a different voice?”

See, needs are OK.  Whining is not.  And I want my girls to have the tools to get their needs met throughout life.  I want them to value their desires and know that their voices are of importance.  It’s in the delivery—not in the need itself.  I do not want them to be silenced.  I know what it is like to be scared into living as a mute.  And I won’t tolerate it for my girls.

Ok. That was easy.  Here's the hard part.

Right now I’m mad at my mom.  Like a teenager, I can’t stand her, don’t want to talk to her, and can barely bring myself to speak or even write about her in a mature manner.  Why?  Her actions continue to convey a lifetime of intolerance of me.  And it happened again this weekend.

She read Two Writing Prompts, a Bridge, and the Truth, wherein I expressed that I was struggling to write because I was afraid to express what was on my mind.  I wrote about childhood memories and my mom did not enjoy reading about them.  She sent a plethora of texts that were reactionary, hurtful, and expressed her intolerance of my truth and my expression of it.  It stunned me.  I felt like I was back in the throes of her insanity and had no control.  In one text she said (paraphrased), “Am I permitted to come see Sophia (my daughter) in the musical?”  This was followed by a few more texts in which she basically put me down and attempted to manipulate me into responding, then, “I am coming to the musical.”

I never responded.

She showed up to the musical with my niece, the daughter of my sister—the sister I haven’t spoken to in over three years.  Wow.  Was bringing my niece along a ploy to manipulate me into communicating with her?  An attempt to get me to pretend that everything was OK?  She used my daughter's performance as device of control, to employ her power over me, well-disguised as the picture of the supportive grandmother. 

What did she expect me to do? Greet her with happiness and gratitude for showing up at my daughter’s performance?  Well, I didn’t.  Because I’ve done it that way in the past only to have my voice silenced and my reality denied.  I wasn't willing to tolerate it.  

I could not bring myself to ignore my niece. I briefly spoke to her and my mother during intermission, but decided I wouldn’t stay after to socialize. I caught my daughter in the lobby of the theater after the show, and said, "Great job!  I'll be back to get you after your lunch with the cast."  She went merrily along to greet her dad and his family who also came to the performance.

At the time, I was uncertain if I made the right decision in leaving immediately after the show.  My niece, not understanding why I did not stay after the show to socialize, cried and my daughter was left feeling uncomfortable.  I know this because my daughter called from the theater and asked if something had happened. 

I felt so awful during our phone conversation.  How could I leave her alone to deal with my mother?  Luckily, seeing that I wasn't there, my mother and niece didn’t stay long.  Also, my daughter was shielded from the drama because she was surrounded by my ex-husband and his family who showered her with flowers and well-deserved accolades.  My mother wouldn’t dare say nor do anything in front of an audience that could witness and identify her manipulative emotional abuse.  Moreover, the victim she was looking for was me and not my daughter.  No victim in sight, no reason to stay.  And possibly, she had a moment of enlightenment, and realized that my niece's feelings needed to be spared.

I do not know what my mother did to console my niece.  The only thing I can come up with is that she probably chalked my absence up to rudeness and mental illness. You know, I don’t care what she said to my niece.  I just want my her to be OK.  I have no control over that and I struggle with it.  My niece should not have been permitted to accompany my mother to the performance.  Would I let my mother take my daughter anywhere near my sister in the guise of supporting my niece?  No.  You know why?  It’s not fair to put a child in the middle of an adult situation without protection and guidance.

Well, I digress.  And I am sure you are confused.  Wait.  What?  Daughter, niece, sister, mother.  Who did what?

Intolerance is the subject at hand.  You know why humans have trouble with intolerance?  They become most uncomfortable with things that remind them of their own pain.  And they will fight with all their might to avoid it, becoming intolerant of it.  Whatever "it" is.  Intolerance is fear-based.  And fear breeds harm.

I am experiencing my own fear at the moment.  I fear that this post will be misconstrued by some as an attempt to hurt my mother.  It is not.  This post is my declaration, that I am stopping the insanity, that I have become intolerant of intolerance of truth.

Truthfully, what can I conclude?  What can I tolerate?  I can tolerate this:

I have resolved to parent differently than I was parented.  I have resolved to keep my stuff separate from my daughters’ issues.  I have resolved to be tolerant of my girls' voices.  I have resolved to live in acceptance of my past and move on courageously without my mother.  

That was exhausting.

I really could use a venti soy latte with an extra shot of espresso.

 

photo credit: betsyjean79 via photopin cc
photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc
photo credit: Leo Reynolds via photopin cc

Save It for Later Saturday: the Election, Conflict Resolution, and Reassurance

In Save It for Later Saturday you’re getting a brief run-down of the stand-outs from my week's "Read Later" list. 

This week during one of our dinner conversations, my daughters fired off questions about the presidential election.  The questions were not difficult to answer.  I understand the electoral process.  But the questions were difficult for me to clearly answer in a way that was meaningful to them.  There’s a lot to the electoral process and they were not aware of much beyond voting, counting, and winning.  How much do your kids really know about the electoral process and how much of the electoral process can you accurately explain? 

photo credit

Scholastic News recently launched Election 2012 which provides answers to all election related questions.  The content is accurate, easy to read, and will capture the interest of school aged kids and adolescents.  The site combines information from Scholastic News with reporting by the Scholastic News Kid Reporters.  You’ll also find election-related games, polls, videos, and an interactive map that tracks the primary voting across the country.  Next time your kids are online, tell them you’d like to explore Scholastic News Election 2012 with them.  Get them involved and excited about this important time for our country.

If you have more than one child, it is certain there will be conflicts between them.  Siblings argue.  It’s normal.  It is wise to let kids figure out how to solve conflicts on their own.  But if they do not have tools in conflict resolution, you can't expect them to effectively settle disputes. 

In the current issue of the NAEYC's Teaching Young Children, Sharma Whitchurch and Jackie Sprague provide a great strategy for conflict resolution within the early learning environment.  The strategy, the daily designation of a student "Problem Solver", can be easily implemented into the home.  And the plan doesn’t need to be reserved for young children.  Older children, adolescents, and even adult members of the family will benefit from it.  I encourage you to look over The Problem Solver Job: Peer-Mediated Conflict Resolution and give it a try at home.

photo credit

Once you have your kids up to date on the electoral process and well-trained at conflict resolution, you will feel reassured that you are one great parent, right?  But then one of your kids asks, “Is Barack Obama running for president?” and the other kid smacks him on the head and calls him “stupid.”  You may feel as if all the time you spent was pointless.  So you turn to your blog to vent, check the stats and see your views are down for the day by 50%.  You think, “Oh well, at least I’ve been sticking to my resolution to run every day.”  You go to your scale, jump on and find you’ve gained one pound.  Where is the proof that you are doing something right?

My advice?  Read Seth Godin's post, The problem with reassurance.  After, give your kids a hug, write your next blog post, and go for a run.

See you next Saturday.

   

Hey Rookie, Don't Forget the Facebook Rules

You know you’re a rookie mom when you. . .

Last month in Driving Online Without a License, I shared the research project that my 13 year old daughter was required to complete in order to open her own Facebook account.  Along with the successful completion of the project, there were guidelines, or online rules, in which she was to follow.  All went well at first.  She was thrilled to have her project accepted and willing to abide by the rules.  However, I had no idea how many more expectations needed to be in place.

One guideline I set for Facebook was to limit the number of friends she accepted.  She was o.k. with this regulation.  She felt that friend collecting was a ridiculous attempt to look popular.  Agreed.  So, we established that she should limit her accepted friend requests to those that came from real friends.  I was content that we were in accord—mother and teen daughter in harmony, a blessing.

Her list of friends has increased to the count of 224.  It is difficult for me to believe that she knows this many people.  However, I failed to define what “knowing” really means.  And I failed to establish a number limit which I now think should be 50.  

50 friends are plenty to network with when one is 13 years old. Management of who sees what can be overwhelming.  I do not feel my daughter needs to be placed in a situation where she is no longer in control of who has access to her personal thoughts and information--material that can be re-shared by people she knows not well enough to trust, communication that can be misconstrued to mean something other than what was intended.

I also chose not to set an age limit on friends because there are adults I feel that are o.k. on Facebook, like parents of friends, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  However, one day I was spot-checking her computer (a task I will go over in a future blog post) and noticed that displayed in her messages was a profile picture of a young man that looked older than her typical friends.  He looked like someone in high school.  I think it was the fact that he had his arm wrapped around this year’s Homecoming Queen.

I do not usually read her messages.  I feel that would be an invasion of privacy.  I simply look down the row of profile photos displayed in the inbox to see with whom she’s been interacting.  But this one I read.  

The message was innocent from the point of view of a 13 year old.  From the point of view of the mother of a 13 year old girl it was manipulative.  And he gave her his number—just in case she "ever wanted to talk."

I was so mad.  Mad at him. Mostly mad at myself for not setting a boundary that needed to be set:  No private communication with anyone more than two years older.

Communicating with my daughter about this was tricky.  I had to tell her I read the message.  Whoa, the anger she displayed.  But, I understood.  I imagine she thought I read all of her messages. 

I had to explain that a senior in high school should not be privately communicating with a 13 year old female.  The dangers of girls with older boys are real.    She heard, “You were wrong for communicating with him and he is the Big Bad Wolf.”

By the end of the conversation, which to me felt like was happening in slow motion, she understood that she did nothing wrong.  The guideline for the age limit of who she has private communication with was set.  But I could have avoided causing her to feel as if she had done something wrong by setting the age restriction earlier—before she got onto Facebook.  I feel badly that my oversight caused her pain.  

That evening she posted as a status update something like I hate 8^th Grade.   I assume it was due to how she was feeling about our conversation, the new Facebook rule, or how difficult it is to grow up.  I was not alarmed by her update. 

Why?  

Because it didn’t say, “I hate 8^th grade and my mom is mean and I can no longer privately speak to John Doe.”  So, the research project complete with presentations and discussions about appropriate online behavior has worked.  But I’m definitely a rookie mom at this.  I am new to navigating as a rule maker and protector of my daughter through the world of social media—a place she needs to be in order to socialize, and a place I want her to  be while she is at home, in my care, and receiving my support.

She has taken a one month sabbatical from Facebook because she has the lead in the school musical and wants no distractions as she prepares.  I am the one that shared the article that suggests a social media break as a New Year’s resolution, but it was her decision to remove it from her plate.  To show my support, I too am on a one month sabbatical from Facebook. 

When we return, I plan to assist her in organizing her 224 friends into lists and possibly cutting the number down to 50.  This will teach her more about navigating Facebook appropriately and will offer me an opportunity to get to know her contacts.

Now onto the task that is Google Plus.  I understand that users can protect their privacy by creating circles.  But yesterday I noticed a gentleman--whose profile picture displays a moment in time when he decided to lick his shoe--has added me to his “acquaintances” circle. 

Is there any way to prevent others from adding me to their circles?  And who will want to add my 13 year old daughter to theirs?

BlogHer Featured Member Post

                                              

Giving in the New Year

As you find a space in your top drawer for your new six-pack of socks, are you thinking about how to say thanks to the person who gave you that great necessity?  As your children fervently play with their new hand-held gaming devices, are they thinking of writing a thank you note to Santa?  It’s the day after Christmas and the kids are home on break.  There is plenty of time to establish ways to say “Thank you.”

Saying thank you by means of a hand written note, an email, or a cool video slide-show displaying how much your kids are enjoying their gifts can go a long way.  Dr. Price-Mitchell of Roots of Action, recently explained that our children gain the greatest “psychological rewards” through the act of giving, not through the act of receiving.  This may seem outlandish as we reflect upon yesterday morning’s squeals, smiles, and laughter.   But, in the quiet act of saying, “Thank you,” kids and teens are forming their values about giving—something that lasts longer than the novelty of a new gift.

After thank you notes are sent, we can find ways to sustain the spirit of giving all year.  Dr. Price-Mitchell  provides six ways to engage the entire family in the act of giving and volunteerism.  I am currently looking over one suggestion, getting involved at generationOn. GenerationOn has a great looking website that is bound to get your kids excited about helping others. There are sections for project tips, project ideas, and training with resources that make it easy to get involved in projects of your choice. It even gives recommendations to help your kids organize a Kids Care Club to involve their classroom community in the act of helping others. 

My kids called from their dad's yesterday and excitedly listed all the wonderful gifts they were given.  I am excited for them, of course, but concerned that if we do not do something to promote charity, they will miss out on a vital part of human development.   Dr. Price-Mitchell explains,, “Family projects that involve giving to those in need during the holidays can be turned into powerful lessons that teach compassion, empathy, and meaning to children.” 

Even though the gift giving is over, it is not too late to sustain our giving spirit.  There is another biggie coming up—New Year’s Eve.  When my kids return home on Wednesday, I am going to have a family meeting to discuss how we are going to give back to our community by helping those in need throughout the New Year.  I would like to include their dad's family too.  If we make an action plan as a family it will be more impactful than if I hand one down as a directive. 

I challenge you to do the same with your family.  Leave your ideas and/or what type of giving your family plans to implement for the New Year in the comments.  Thanks!

Or link up your ideas here! 

Reference

Price-Mitchell, M., Ph.D. (November 21, 2011). The gift of giving: How the holidays shape
        children's identities. Roots of Action. Retrieved from
        http://rootsofaction.com/blog/the-gift-of-giving-how-the-holidays-shape-
        childrens-identities/