Wednesday's Woman: Fostered by Example

It was an obvious choice to approach the blogging team at Ladies Holiday and ask if they would contribute to Wednesday’s Woman.  Ladies Holiday champions women’s health and provides noteworthy commentary on women’s lifestyle.  Although I did not know who from the team would be contributing, I had faith that a story of quality would be submitted. 

I was right.  Today, Tamar, of Ladies Holiday, tells a story of not only quality, but also of heart. 

Find Ladies Holiday blog here, follow them on Twitter and like them on Facebook.  You’ll be inspired.    

Wednesday's Woman: Fostered by Example

By Tamar, Ladies Holiday 

When Ladies Holiday was invited by Sperk* to have one of our bloggers write a Wednesday's Woman guest post, I jumped at the chance. What a wonderful opportunity to highlight one of the plethora of amazing women who have influenced my life. There are so many women to choose from: famous authors, wellness coaches and the like as well as everyday women such as my fellow Ladies Holiday team bloggers--who are among my very best friends, counted as sisters even--family members and more. I admire them all and they've each truly impacted my life in the most positive ways. Needless to say, even though I felt in my bones that I absolutely had to write this post, I was stumped as far as who to give the honor to in this way. They all deserved it. Then today (with two days to deadline) it came to me like a whisper. Aunt Linda. I cry as I even type her name.

My Aunt Linda, wasn't really my aunt at all. She was my mother's best friend since the age of 7, and as many best-friends-of-moms, she received the honorary title of Aunt as a way of recognizing that close connection not only to my mother but to my mother's children as well. When I was about 5-yrs-old, Aunt Linda had her first daughter (adding to her small family of two nearly grown sons), Jenny, became instantly my "cousin" or almost like my own little sister.

As you might have already guessed by my use of the past tense, Aunt Linda is no longer with us. A few months after seeing her at my wedding when I was 21-years-old, Aunt Linda was diagnosed with Leukemia, which she battled with heart and strength for 9 years before passing away. Although she's been gone for going on four years now...is that right? It seems so long and so recent all at once. Although she's gone, her memory and even more so her influence holds strong for me. Looking back, I didn't necessarily "know" her that well...I knew many of the stories from my mother's friendship with her through childhood, young adulthood, marriages and becoming mothers, not to mention a comical trip across the country in a broke down VW Bug with kids in tow. I knew her as well as any child can know an adult though through a child's eyes and a child's heart. Even that limited view of her could never discount what she did for me.

My childhood was tumultuous, but frequent visits with my mother and brothers to Aunt Linda's quaint, artsy, New England home were times of peace, creativity, comfort, and the knowing that one could express oneself fully without judgement. Educated and working in the field of Child Development, Aunt Linda had a wonderful way of knowing and understanding children. More than that, she seemed to have an intuitive knowing, separate from her training, that allowed her to get to the center of it all in a much more meaningful way.  I have fond memories of being introduced to creativity and creative play through her generous offering of mixed media art supplies in her home, puppet shows using really cool puppets from her own childhood, and so much time exploring nature in her backyard.

Aunt Linda loved birds and she would often stop in the middle of a conversation as she'd notice a bird outside her window. She was amazed by their beauty and their funny little habits, she had a knack for noticing the little details in life that others wouldn't even look for, the greatest part was that she noticed them without even trying. She'd stop and say, "Oh look at that bird, that's a cardinal. Look how he hops along on that branch. Oh! He's spotted some food, there he goes..." Aunt Linda also loved her gardens (flowers and vegetables alike.) She had the most beautiful forsythia bushes along her front fence, as well as an array of many varieties of perennials. Nearly every time we visited, which was often for many years, she would take us out to walk in her vegetable garden. She'd bring us carefully through the little walk ways and point out what was what, often letting us try a cherry tomato or a green bean. She was never rushed, always moving slowly and mindfully through each moment, taking it in for what it was. I rarely saw her really upset or stressed...she was human, so those moments existed, but I would never define her by those moments, they weren't the crux of who she was to me. I also remember that although she lived by humble means, she was always generous with what she had. Every time we walked in her door there was the delicious smell of something cooking on the stove and she would always feed us as much as we wanted. Chicken, rice, veggies, bananas, toast with REAL butter (mmm) and yogurt...these are a few of the tasty things she always seemed to have on hand. It was healthy and delicious and probably not cheap, but she shared nonetheless.

When I was 3 or 4-years-old, I recall playing random notes on her piano while she babysat me. I started gently enough, but soon I was slamming on the keys loudly. Most people would have been upset, they would have made me stop and given me a lecture about respect for musical instruments. Instead, Aunt Linda joined me on the piano bench and said "That sounds like angry music. Sometimes it feels good to make angry music when we feel angry or scared inside, doesn't it?" I didn't respond, but even at that young age I was glad she didn't reprimand me, I was glad that instead she understood me. I was a really well-behaved kid and in many ways I didn't feel free to express any of my negative emotions at home, but she knew that I had a lot of reasons to feel angry or scared and she knew that she was giving me a gift by letting me express it in that small moment.

When I was 23 I had my first child. I was living farther away by then, but I tried to stay in contact as much as I could, especially since Aunt Linda's illness made it difficult for her to go very far. She was amazed by my daughter in the most seemingly insignificant ways. I brought my daughter to see her at about the age of 18-months or so. Aunt Linda brought out a paper and crayons and my little girl proceeded to do what I would have just called scribbles, but to my surprise Aunt Linda stopped our conversation, just as she would if she'd seen a bird out the window and said "Look at how determined she is! She is so focused on putting that crayon to paper and making something appear. She's so diligent  She's amazing, look at her go!" She was in awe of little things about my daughter that I wouldn't have thought to revel in. She taught me to look deeper, to notice more, and to enjoy the little moments.

Around that same time in my life, my mother got into a terrible car accident and nearly died. While she lay in the hospital and I was busy visiting her, helping her wash her hair and advocating for her with the doctors and staff, not to mention running home to nurse my daughter and make dinner, and driving to the junk yard to clean my mother's belongings out of the totalled car amongst broken glass and bent metal--while I did all of this on my own, I had no support at home. My husband at the time couldn't deal with the stress and didn't know how to be there for me, he seemed almost annoyed by how this was all messing up his days. My step-father was no help either. It was all up to me. Aunt Linda was the only person who was truly there for me through the whole thing. She gave me daily phone support, often multiple times per day. Even as I complained about my frustration at all the people who weren't supporting me, she came through with advice to forgive, to understand their side of it, and to be strong. Being angry was allowable, but it wasn't serving me well, she helped me to let it go so that I could focus on more important matters. She was a godsend...again.

Some people have joked over the years that she was a bit too flakey, too touchy-feely, too sensitive, too over-protective of children and animals. These are unfair words. They are words used by those who either didn't understand, or couldn't appreciate, or perhaps were even jealous of who she was. These were words used to try and dampen who in my view she really was: she was compassion, and goodness, and light personified.

When Aunt Linda passed away I hadn't seen her in some time. My own family life and physical shaped me. So much of who I am is connected to who she was. My creativity, my compassion, my way with my children, my sensitivity...sure I was probably born with a bit or maybe all of it for all I know, but it was fostered by her example. Those parts of me were made bigger and more complete through the time I spent with her.

distance had gotten in the way. I'll always be sad about that. When I attended her memorial service in the summer after her passing, I walked into a chapel absolutely filled with so many people whose lives she had touched. Many, many people took turns standing to share their memories of her, from old friends to  mere acquaintances. It was amazing and beautiful to see. While she'd battled her illness she had poured herself into her artwork, using it as creative therapy. All around the room at her service were paintings that she had made. I'd always known how much she'd meant to me, but it wasn't until I stood to share some simple memories, that I realized that she had

It was hard for my mother to hear me speak of her lifelong friend in this way, not because she didn't love her, but because in those moments she too realized how much I had been shaped by Aunt Linda. She felt sad that she herself hadn't been the main influence on who I was, she remarked later through tears that she felt I was more Linda than I was her. That I was Linda's child and not her own. "I always thought you were like me...but you're not, you're so much like her." I thought she should've been happy that I had been influenced by such an extraordinary woman, someone whom even she admired and loved so much, but this was also a symbol for her of the cracks in our mother-daughter relationship. I love my mother, but there are huge cracks, ravines even...treacherous, broken-planked rope bridges that cannot be crossed. I love her...but all I can say is: Thank God for my Aunt Linda. Thank God.

I've been through a lot in my life and many people have commented over the years "I can't believe you're so normal [whatever that means], I can't believe you're such a happy person." I've even had my therapist tell me that it is incredible that I am able to have such close relationships with people (I am very fortunate to have an intimate network of family-like friends, a support system I cherish) because many people who have gone through what I have aren't able to do that. This is not a pity party, nor is it a big pat on my own back about how fabulously resilient I am...it's been a process. However, Aunt Linda helped to create that mindset that has gotten me through. Her home was always a safe place for me, literally and figuratively. I learned their that I was loved, that I was worthwhile, and that the world is too beautiful and amazing for one to waste their energy on feeling bad about things that can't be changed. It is because of that foundation that I am so resilient, that I can look at the bright side, and that I can laugh through tears.

Last year I attended my sister-in-law Laura's ordination as a Reverend in the Unitarian Universalist church, she is another woman whom I could write a lengthy post about, outlining all the ways she moves me to be better. In her closing remarks at the ordination, Laura said "Remember, no matter how broken you feel, there is always a piece of you that is whole." I heard those words like a healing balm to the very core of who I was and what I'd recently been through, I broke down in tears of relief. Relief that I was still whole, that I was not fully broken. Aunt Linda taught me how to keep from breaking, and her love, even now that she's gone, keeps me whole.

* This post is dedicated not only to my Aunt Linda's memory, but to her beautiful daughter Jenny who was her pride and joy. Jenny embodies all of the goodness and light of her mother along with her own truly magical sparkle. I love you.

Wednesday's Woman is a weekly feature dedicated to spotlighting women who are role models for our daughters. . . and the world.



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Time for Patience

Remember when you were little and the school year seemed to drag on for an eternity?  Forget the school year.  Each class seemed to last longer than summer break.

I remember staring at the giant, industrial, white-faced clock hanging on the classroom wall, watching the second hand slowly tick around its sphere.  Each time the second hand met the big hand, I felt relieved.  One minute down, 40 to go before the bell rang, signaling it was acceptable to move my body out of boredom, discomfort and anxiety.

As an adult, it's different.  Time flies.  Does anyone know why this phenomenon occurs?  One day seems to last a second, a year is like a day.  And now, January is almost at its end and I have yet to set any definitive goals for the year.

I know you are saying, “Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself.  It’s OK.  You can start, or change, any time.”

This is true.  However, as one who struggles with depression, when I give myself permission to stall, or get to it tomorrow, it means three days on the couch.  

Three days on the couch means the depression is fed with a powerful fuel that helps it continue for three more days.  Then I am left with nothing but a fried brain full of terrible self-talk and a sweaty bottom stuck to my jammie pants, jammie pants stuck to, you guessed it, the couch.

I do not remember the word I chose to focus on last year in order to focus on having a good year.  I think it was “fearlessness” or “courage”.  I think I exhibited some of both.  Each time I let bravery simmer to the top it was met by the outside world with enthusiasm, empathy and encouragement.  I was and am grateful for that.  But my inside-world, my self-talk, quickly drove any success into a massive car wreck.

Although the destruction did not go noticed by anyone, I saw it.  I saw it in the things I did not do.  Instead of taking advantage of the momentum of success, my focus fastened itself on the things yet to be accomplished.

 

I have experienced success.  I know I can do it.  That’s not the issue.

The issue is that I have no patience.  If it’s not done now I tell myself "I can’t" or "It’s not for me" or "It's something I do not deserve."

That’s all pretty harsh. 

No one deserves that kind of talk, so why inflict it upon myself?

Lately I have noticed my daughters who are 12 and 14 have very little kindness for themselves.  If their hair is not just right, they are ugly.  If their shirt hangs slightly different than they imaged, they are fat.  It’s frightening.  Although I never verbalize my negative self-talk, they must be picking up this technique of beating oneself up from me through motherhood osmosis.

Enough.

The awesome team at Just.Be.Enough has chosen three words to focus upon for 2013:  “. . . words to help us in setting goals, dreaming big, and being intentional about our journey to being enough.”

I am choosing one.

Patience.

Just.Be.Enough

I unofficially put my focus word into practice starting two days ago.  On that morning I had dishes done, the floors swept and mopped, and the living room dusted by 8:30 am.  I finished all of the girls’ laundry.  I got help moving the treadmill from the basement to the first floor so that we use it.  I showered, put on make-up and took the girls out shopping.  I even said “hello” to a friend I saw at the store, which is unusual.  Typically I hide.

At 8:00 pm I was contemplating scrubbing down the treadmill and hanging blinds in the room wherein we will be using it.  But I stopped.  I had done enough.  I didn't want to overdo it, waking up the next day with exhaustion which would be permission to go back to the couch.

Patience.

Everything takes time.  Everything has a process.  Change does not happen overnight.  Success isn't awarded in an instant.

I will be holding myself accountable for being patient by linking up monthly with Just.Be.Enough.

You just read month number one. 

Time flew, didn't it?

photo credit: BramstonePhotography via photopin cc

Scruffy, First Kiss of 2013 - Photo Friday

Sometimes I just want to sit with my dogs.

I have three.

I grew up wishing for a German Shepherd.

However, during childhood, I had two small dogs who were mysteriously transported to a great big farm where they had "plenty of room to run" instead of biting the neighbor lady during her walk. 

When I was married and my girls were toddlers I had a Cocker Spaniel who died from eating an entire bin of diapers.  It was tragic.

I still wanted a dog.

After much research discovering the best breed for families, I acquired a Greyhound from the local rescue.  We named him "Relay" which I thought was clever.  He cleverly bit my younger daughter on the forehead and went back to the rescue.  Too bad.  He made me very popular at the dog park.

A few years passed.  Well, maybe only half of one.  I still wanted a dog.

I wanted the girls to not be afraid of dogs and took them to the shelter to pick one out.  

We looked at a German Sherpherd, my childhood dream.  He was too big and reminded my girls of the harrowing event of forehead biting.

We looked at a Cocker Spaniel, but he reminded me of the mournful event of diaper eating.

We spied an older Chihuahua mix cowered in a corner.  When we got near to her she slowly approached and sat calmly as the girls took turns to pet her.  Her name was "Tina".

She became ours.  All was well.

A few years passed, I got a divorce and moved my girls and Tina across the country.  As we were settling in, I was sad.  I didn't know if it was due to the end of my marriage or knowing I would probably never have another baby, but I was full of it.  Grief.  

We were at our new local pet store getting food for Tina and we saw him.  A tiny Chihuahua.  He came home with the food and we named him Frodo.  The grief began to diminish.

Two months later, while getting food for Tina AND Frodo, I heard my girls say, "Oh Mommy, isn't he so cute?"  

He was a cute ball of fluff and he was half off.  Another Chihuahua, one with long hair, entered our lives.  We named him Scruffy.  The grief continued to fade.

This is Scruffy pictured yesterday at six years of age: 

I may never have a German Shepherd, but that's OK.  Scruffy gives the best kisses.  In fact, he was my first kiss of 2013, followed by Tina and then Frodo.

Why?

Because sometimes I just want to sit with my dogs.

Wednesday's Woman: You Can Be Transformed

One aspect of Wednesday's Woman I cherish is getting to know guest bloggers.  Typically, I find them as inspiring as the women they honor.  Today is no exception.

These are the words from today's guest, Marcia, from Finding Felicity:

Writing has helped me in numerous ways and I hope some of my posts are able to help you feel anything that leads you to peace.  Love, interconnectedness, trust, hope, joy, fulfillment, forgiveness, encouragement, support, on and on.  I'm here for you and appreciate you being there for me.

I am grateful for Marcia's willingness to share the following story.  It is nothing less than inspiring and timely for those who need a little reminder that it's never too late to commit to a New Year's resolution.  It's never too late to commit to life.

Find Felicity at her Blog and follow her on Twitter!

Wednesday's Woman: Kathy Freston

by Felicity

My introduction to this week's Wednesday's Woman was on The Ellen Show. Ellen introduced this woman who was assigned to assist a family change their eating habits to lose weight and feel healthier. Out walked this beautiful blonde woman. She was excited and thrilled to be with this family and showed a genuine enthusiasm for just being there.


A few months later I saw the follow up. The excited mom was talking about how much weight she lost, her energy levels sky rocketed, and her relationship with her daughters and husband was better than ever. Bitterness was a main theme in my life back then so I credited the family's success to a team of helpers (nutritionist, chef, etc...which I'm not sure they had) and the accountability of being on national television. That's the main reason why I didn't seek this woman out. Her joy and energy were convincing but my cynicism was even more convincing.

So fast forward to a year later and I'm at the library. I see a book with a picture of this same woman I saw on Ellen. It's on sale for $2. I begrudgingly buy it. I tell my sister in a snotty voice, "I'm only going to read this if this woman is over 37. I saw her on Ellen and she was transforming a family's lives by their eating habits. She is gorgeous and seemed so happy. Too happy. But who wouldn't be that happy if they are a famous and beautiful star?" I googled her age and she was jaw droppingly older than I thought.

So I read the book. And it changed my life. She transformed me. I am *forever* grateful. 

Your Wednesday's Woman is Kathy Freston. She is a best-selling author and health and wellness expert that has been featured on Oprah, Ellen, The View and many more accredited sources.

She has written a handful of books including, Quantum Wellness, the book that changed my life. An insert from the book,

"Quantum wellness isn't about deprivation and it's not about perfection. It is about pointing yourself in the direction of growth, training yourself to get comfortable with your highest potential, and then taking small steps to support that shift." 

Kathy gives easy steps, suggestions and personal examples on how to gently transform your life. She highlights forgiveness, kindness, and setting intentions. She writes like how a close confidant would speak to you and backs up her advice with scientific facts.

One of the most transforming parts of the book I put into action was a 21 day dietary cleanse. This cleanse assisted in a 43 lbs weight loss due to eliminating emotional eating, knowledge of what different foods did to my system, and tapping into an unbelievable source of clean energy from the improved diet. Not just dietary, Kathy also suggests that while you remove some unhealthy foods you remove clutter from your home (trust me, you will have the energy) and negative and/or deprecating thoughts. Clean body, clean house, clean mind...it is beyond blissful!

Kathy Freston helps you to help yourself, which directly improves every aspect of your life and the lives you touch.

When the opportunity to write a Wednesday's Woman was presented there was no hesitation of who it would be about. I told Kimberly, from Sperk*, I wanted to reread the book just for a refresher. It's amazing to see the changes Kathy speaks about in the welcome as parts of my life now, a year after initially reading it.

If you are interested in purchasing the book, Quantum Wellness, please do so in the Books section of my blog, Give Felicity. Further details at the link explain that all affiliate money will go directly to purchasing the book for others interested in owning it.

You can also sign up for "The Daily Lean" which is a free email From Kathy Freston that is delivered weekdays around 9 am. Not only does she send you inspiration, but also healthy recipes and obscure nutrition information. Each email takes as much time to read as it does to brush your teeth. I guarantee these messages will stay with you longer than the minty taste in your mouth does!

Thank you so much to Sperk* for the opportunity to share Kathy Freston as a Wednesday's Woman. I truly hope she can inspire some of you as she has me.

Leaning into your life: Kathy Freston at TEDxFremont

Wednesday's Woman is a weekly feature dedicated to spotlighting women who are role models for our daughters. . . and the world.



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photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography via photopin cc

All These Things That I've Done

On Mondays, I typically participate in Monday Listicles, which I love.  However, today's theme of things found in your closet....my closet is a tiny hole in the wall.  I live in an old house.  There's not much in there of interest--mainly hanging shirts and a pile of shoes on the floor.  But, I'm still going to participate with a list, just one of a different topic.  I hope you'll forgive my bending of the rules.

Do you have a constant internal dialogue discussing all the things you need to do or should be doing? I do. And yet, there is so much that I have done.

Yesterday I came across an inspiring list created by Kerstin Auer honoring the things she has done. She was prompted by a blogging link-up by Andrea B  Now, I’m inspired.



In lieu of the closet, here's a few things I've done:

*Attended a presidential rally. Forward!

*Saw my favorite rock icons in concert: Bruce Springsteen, Pearl Jam, and U2.

*Traveled from coast to coast to over 25 Dave Matthews Band concerts.

*Met my significant other online—MySpace to be exact.

*Survived two C-sections and was rewarded with two beautiful daughters.

*Survived the terrible twos, twice.

*Put my foot down and said “no” to my daughters several times, surviving the excruciating pain of knowing they were disappointed.

*Watched my oldest daughter star in her middle school musical (oh, the nerves. She did so well).

*Listened in amazement to my younger daughter practice her clarinet. She’s so talented.

*Read many poems of praise written for me by my daughters.

*Tucked in my girls at bedtime most every night for 14 years. 

*Visited Las Vegas three times.

*Traveled to London, Paris, Nice, Florence, and Lucerne.

*Taken the 3 1/2 hour boat tour around Manhattan.

*Saw Bebe Neuwirth play Velma Kelly in the musical Chicago on Broadway.

*Had “the talk” with my daughters. We aren't done, it is ongoing.

*Was runner-up in Junior Miss Ohio in 1987, which allowed me to go to college with the scholarship awards.

*Graduated Magna Cum Laude with a degree in Early Child Education in 2012.

*Have had many jobs: cocktail waitress, daycare worker, fitness center manager, pizza server, telemarketer, wardrobe consultant, retail merchandiser, and stay-at-home mom. My favorite has been stay-at-home mom.

*Confronted my perpetrators. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse.

*I've asked for help.

*I've received help.

*Gained and lost 60 pounds.

*Danced with a professional dance company.

*Danced in my living room.

*Gained and lost ten pounds.

*Recovered from an eating disorder.

*Had two photos selected by the Columbus Museum of Art to be included in their Photo Hunt installations.

*Was honored as a BlogHer 2012 Voice of the Year.

*I've been a wife and an ex-wife.

*Lived in Chicago, Philadelphia, New Jersey, Louisiana, Northern California, and now Columbus, Ohio.

*I've done punk rock karaoke.

*I've been to Bonnaroo, twice. And I want to go back!

I leave you with one of my favorite songs, so apropos:

  photo credit: the camera is a toy. via photopin cc