Looks Like It, Smells Like It, Must Be Parent Orientation

In the fall, my younger daughter will be attending the local middle school--the same school my older daughter has attended for the past two years.  Last night, even though I know a bit about what goes on during the 7th and 8th grade years, I attended the parent information meeting for incoming middle school students.  

Having insight due to experience is not always great.  It can lead to being able to smell bull-shit from more than a mile away.

Below I've listed a few points that I hope the administration will consider before holding their next parent orientation meeting. If action is taken for the better, it is possible that I may acquire some enthusiasm for witnessing my second daughter enter that most tumultuous right-of-passage we like to call middle school.

1) Late Arrivals to the Meeting:

When a parent shows up more than 15 minutes late, sits down before realizing she doesn't have the handouts, gets up to retrieve the hand-outs and disrupts the meeting for the third time as she returns to her seat, please stop talking.  I can’t hear you and I am very distracted by her need to wear short shorts to a parent meeting.

2) Academic Program Information:

If an academic program is significant enough to include in the informational meeting, please do not use acronyms to describe its various aspects.  Some of us are not familiar with what the acronyms stand for.

3) Handheld Devices:

When telling us about your student handheld device policy, which includes how you will confiscate them if they become distracting, please make sure the parents around me have stopped texting on their iPhones and actually hear you.

4) Teacher Web Pages:

Please check with teachers before telling us that their Web pages will be full of informative tidbits concerning what is going on in the classroom.  A majority of the faculty fails to post content, and if they do, they fail to update content past the first week of school.

5) Appeal for PTO Volunteers:

Inform the president of the PTO that saying, “You'll want to know which kids invite your child to their Bar/Bat Mitzvahs," is not going to compel me to volunteer in the school.

6) School Trip Funding:

Please do not tell us that in lieu of hiring an educational student tour company, the assistant-principle organized the entire Washington D.C. trip himself in order to save money.  Our property taxes are extraordinarily high and I purchased enough cookie dough and wrapping paper from the PTO fundraisers to hire a tour company myself. 

7) Athletics:

When telling us to check the athletic department’s website for information on sports, be sure to first try navigating the site yourself.  It’s confusing.

8) Facebook:

Telling us that our children’s behavior on Facebook is "worse than what we think" does not scare uninvolved parents into looking at their kid’s Facebook pages.  It just doesn't.  Those parents probably aren't at the meeting.

Saying, “Facebook only becomes my problem if it keeps a student from coming to school due to embarrassment," and "What kids do during non-school hours is not my problem,” is terribly misguided.  The kids are on Facebook while they are in the school building, during school hours.  They post updates all day long.  And if you take a look at the way students are socializing during lunch after they've eaten, they are not talking and playing ball.  They are nose-down into their handhelds updating Facebook.  It IS your problem.   It’s OUR problem.  Consider us working together on creating a social media strategy that works both at home and at school.

9) Dress Code:

“I know there are really cute outfits out there available for girls.  But if someone shows up wearing something they’d wear out on a Friday night, you’ll hear from me.”

As far as policy goes, this is subjective, relative and vague.  What do you think a 13 year old wears out on a Friday night?  And where are they wearing it?  At a sleep-over?  Our ideas about Friday night attire for the middle school girl are apparently different.

“How students dress for school is a decision to be made between students and their parents.”  

This is nice in theory, however, have you looked at your students' Facebook pictures?  They wear that stuff to school! Are you actually in the school?  I know you are, but you can't be because you'd then see that some parents and students have decided that booty shorts are appropriate academic wear.  I'm so confused.

Additionally, kids are in school for a majority of the day--more than they are at home.  Don't you think the adolescent brain could use some developmental support while away from the nagging voice of their parents?   Your lack of interest in maintaining standards for a school dress code indicates you lack interest in students'  growth outside the realm of academics.

Not only could my kid use your support, I could, too.  You're the professional and you probably came across the topic of adolescent development in your studies to become an educator.  Have you heard of parent education?  The most information you ever sent home regarding the emotional development of my child came as a reminder that she needed sleep and a healthy breakfast due to an upcoming achievement test.  I suppose the other days I should send her to bed at midnight and feed her Cracker Jacks in the morning?  Scoring high on the OAA only gets a person so far in life and only looks good for the school on paper, or as data.  How your students dress and act are more reflective of the school district than the score card published by the state's Department of Education.

Lastly, what if Susie Smith’s parents don’t care what she wears?  Are you to allow her to attempt navigating through clothing decisions on her own?  During adolescence?  When she's toying with her identity?  You think she'll outgrow the need to base her self-esteem on being sexually attractive?  Well, then.  You must not have seen the short shorts on the mom who arrived late to the parent orientation.  See point number one for further information.  

photo credit: Rinoninha via photo pin cc
photo credit: Enokson via photo pin cc

Pros and Cons of Being a Kid

It’s Monday. Time for Monday Listicles brought to you by Stasha, photographer extraordinaire, at The Good Life.  This week’s theme is kids—reasons it’s great to be a child or reasons it is not.  I know I would really enjoy being a kid again.  What about you?  I also know  I really enjoy the Monday Listicles community and I encourage you to check it out and participate.  I mean really, how long does it take to create a list?

Pros and Cons of Being a Child...

Tween... Teen...

Confused Mini-Adult with Toddler Tendencies

Pro: You don’t have to go to work every day.

Con: You have to go to middle school every day.

Pro: You don’t have to do laundry.

Con: Your favorite jeans are never clean the day you want to wear them.

Pro: If your mom feels guilty about your favorite jeans not being clean, you’re most likely going to convince her to get you a glass of milk even though you can get it yourself.

Con: When there is no milk in the refrigerator, you have to wait for someone with cash and wheels to go out and get some.

Pro: You get summers off.

Con: If you act bored during the summer, you’ll be recruited to walk to the store to replenish the milk supply because, “It’s nice outside.”  When you get home, you’ll be recruited to wash the car, clean out closets, and walk the elderly neighbor’s dog.

Pro: You can still get away with playing with your Build-A-Bears.

Con: Your mom blogs about you playing with Build-A-Bears.

Pro: If it's raining, you can contact your mom via your cell and get a ride home after school.

Con: Your mom shows up to pick you up after school in her red plaid jammie pants.

Pro: Your biggest worry is that big math test on Thursday.

Con: Your biggest worries are Friday’s wardrobe decision...who’s going to show up to your party on Saturday...if Mom will get to your laundry on Sunday...Monday’s big zit on the end of your nose...

the big Tuesday surprise of your embarrassing photos from early childhood being posted on Facebook ("MOM, I am totally un-tagging myself!")...

...AND...

wondering on Wednesday if there will ever  

be 

a 

day 

when 

you 

have 

control 

over 

your 

life.

      

 

photo credit: Zoë Campbell via photopin cc

Wednesday's Woman: Help for the Hoarder Next Door

{This is the first article in my new series, Wednesday’s Woman.  Each week I will feature a story of an inspiring woman.  If you know someone who should be featured, please let me know!} 

Corrie Ortner

  Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.

~Maya Angelou

When I came up with the idea for Wednesday’s Woman, the first person I thought of was my friend Corrie Ortner.  I met Corrie on a Dave Matthew’s Band message board about seven years ago.  We connected instantly online, met up for a few DMB shows, and visited each other a few times before I left California in 2006.  We haven’t seen each other since a brief Spring Break meeting in Las Vegas in 2007 because she is in Oregon and I am in Ohio.  But we keep a close watch over each other on Facebook.

 

December 27, 2011, Corrie posted her first update about her elderly neighbor, who I will call Sandra (name changed for anonymity).  What started out as an update about a quick trip to Sandra's home to help her find her lost phone, has turned into a series of updates about an elderly woman who is a domestic violence survivor, scholar, aromatherapist, world traveler, and hoarder.  Corrie and her 10 year old daughter are cleaning out Sandra's home.  Corrie doesn’t have to do this.  Sandra didn’t ask for help.  

Facebook Update, December 27, 2011:

OK, friends. I need help. I just went over to my neighbor's to help her find her phone. . .She’s elderly and lives on SSI. Her place is in horrid condition. It looks like an episode of hoarders but all garbage-mostly paper stacked higher than the bed with a few paths going through. It's a small place-probably 450-500 sq feet-like a studio apt. . . She lives there with her dog-it doesn't look like she's washed her bedding or clothes in months. She also has bad pain (hip and knee) problems as well as depression issues. I want to find a way to get her help-or get a group of people together to go in and help her clean up. It seems like she wants to get it cleaned up... Ideas, suggestions anyone? 

Corrie received supportive comments on her December 27^th update and promises from locals to help. Friends from far away promised to send donations to put towards cleaning supplies.

Facebook Update, January 6, 2012:

 

Operation clean up the neighbor's house commences this weekend! DHS got involved and will check in again in a week and a half. I'd like to get it cleaned up and give her the chance to keep it that way through the next visit. Any help is greatly appreciated-we'll probably work Saturday and Sunday and into Monday and Tuesday if necessary. This won't be an easy task and will involve long sleeves, grubby clothes, gloves, and a dust mask if you're sensitive to dust, dander, etc. If you can't help with cleaning, any donation of cleaning products, boxes, garbage bags, etc would be appreciated. LMK if you can help out!

She's a very nice lady-this is a great opportunity to help someone in our community in need.

***  

Subsequent updates included the fact that she and her 10 year-old daughter had begun the clean-up and it was worse than what they imagined.

But there is progress being made.

And Corrie will continue until the job is done.

Corrie in her respirator

 ***

I contacted Corrie via Facebook last week asking her if it would be OK to feature her story here.  Following are excerpts from her replies:

Sure! Any awareness of the ordeals seniors go through in our society is very welcome! More updates later-I'm off to clean again right now. I'll take some progress pictures!

AND

Wanted to send a quick update with more info than I share on my posts. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of support. Sandra told me today that she really can't believe that all of these people who don't even know her are so generous. I told her that she had earned it.

My sister sent me $75 to help with supplies and my respirator. Someone I haven't seen in over 25 years has offered to pay to have her carpet cleaned or replaced. Another friend (in Oklahoma) is sending some money, underwear, socks, and toiletries. My aunt is sending a check on Monday to help with everything. I'm so touched-I can't even begin to explain how amazing all of this is. I wish I had more help from the local community, but I don't know a lot of people here so it's tough to get out there and find people to help.

I spent over an hour on the phone on Friday being referred from agency to agency, being given numbers to call for this, getting promises to call back, reaching agencies that are there to help seniors only to have to listen to a quickly spoken message with a lot of press 1 now, etc. After this, I'm not surprised that there are so many seniors in this country who don't receive help. Many are afraid that they'll be carted off to a home (the last resort), but I can't imagine how anyone with any type of cognitive or hearing impairment (many seniors) can navigate this system when I had a difficult time .

 

. . . Friday I found a water damaged purse in the closet where her water heater had flooded. It was a really cool hand tooled "hippie" purse-among the mushed molded papers, I found a menu from a pizza place in Queens, a flyer from a flea market at Picadilly Circus in London, two crystals, baggage claim tags from JFK, and a notebook. In the notebook, there was an entry from 1990 that went something like this: "Here I am in Sisters. I am safe and I am OK. I will be positive and do everything I can to save money until I can afford to move continue on with my life." Yet she's still here. She has two PhDs. Went to Stanford. Grew up in Pasadena and New York. Has lived in Atlanta, England (where she was an aromatherapist), NY, CA, and retired to Bend to train dogs. She left an abusive relationship to move to Sisters and left everything behind in the process. In sorting through her stuff, I've found half of her dishes are Waterford.

The details about her life are just what she's told me-I don't know if it's exaggerated or not, but by that age, I think that we all should be able to live out the rest of our life believing whatever we need to believe to keep us going. I keep finding more and more tidbits that confirm her facts. It's really amazing.

***

Being unemployed, Corrie faces many challenges in helping Sandra.  She doesn’t have the resources  that would make helping Sandra a little easier.  What Corrie does have is a genuine compassion for those who have suffered and struggle to live.  She puts her feelings of compassion into action.  This is something so many of us fail to do.  We spread the word, we send money, we write.  How many of us respond to someone in need with action?  We know of at least one. Her name is Corrie Ortner.

Corrie Ortner is Wednesday’s Woman.

To follow Corrie’s updates on the clean-up at Sandra's send her a friend request at Facebook.

Hey Rookie, Don't Forget the Facebook Rules

You know you’re a rookie mom when you. . .

Last month in Driving Online Without a License, I shared the research project that my 13 year old daughter was required to complete in order to open her own Facebook account.  Along with the successful completion of the project, there were guidelines, or online rules, in which she was to follow.  All went well at first.  She was thrilled to have her project accepted and willing to abide by the rules.  However, I had no idea how many more expectations needed to be in place.

One guideline I set for Facebook was to limit the number of friends she accepted.  She was o.k. with this regulation.  She felt that friend collecting was a ridiculous attempt to look popular.  Agreed.  So, we established that she should limit her accepted friend requests to those that came from real friends.  I was content that we were in accord—mother and teen daughter in harmony, a blessing.

Her list of friends has increased to the count of 224.  It is difficult for me to believe that she knows this many people.  However, I failed to define what “knowing” really means.  And I failed to establish a number limit which I now think should be 50.  

50 friends are plenty to network with when one is 13 years old. Management of who sees what can be overwhelming.  I do not feel my daughter needs to be placed in a situation where she is no longer in control of who has access to her personal thoughts and information--material that can be re-shared by people she knows not well enough to trust, communication that can be misconstrued to mean something other than what was intended.

I also chose not to set an age limit on friends because there are adults I feel that are o.k. on Facebook, like parents of friends, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  However, one day I was spot-checking her computer (a task I will go over in a future blog post) and noticed that displayed in her messages was a profile picture of a young man that looked older than her typical friends.  He looked like someone in high school.  I think it was the fact that he had his arm wrapped around this year’s Homecoming Queen.

I do not usually read her messages.  I feel that would be an invasion of privacy.  I simply look down the row of profile photos displayed in the inbox to see with whom she’s been interacting.  But this one I read.  

The message was innocent from the point of view of a 13 year old.  From the point of view of the mother of a 13 year old girl it was manipulative.  And he gave her his number—just in case she "ever wanted to talk."

I was so mad.  Mad at him. Mostly mad at myself for not setting a boundary that needed to be set:  No private communication with anyone more than two years older.

Communicating with my daughter about this was tricky.  I had to tell her I read the message.  Whoa, the anger she displayed.  But, I understood.  I imagine she thought I read all of her messages. 

I had to explain that a senior in high school should not be privately communicating with a 13 year old female.  The dangers of girls with older boys are real.    She heard, “You were wrong for communicating with him and he is the Big Bad Wolf.”

By the end of the conversation, which to me felt like was happening in slow motion, she understood that she did nothing wrong.  The guideline for the age limit of who she has private communication with was set.  But I could have avoided causing her to feel as if she had done something wrong by setting the age restriction earlier—before she got onto Facebook.  I feel badly that my oversight caused her pain.  

That evening she posted as a status update something like I hate 8^th Grade.   I assume it was due to how she was feeling about our conversation, the new Facebook rule, or how difficult it is to grow up.  I was not alarmed by her update. 

Why?  

Because it didn’t say, “I hate 8^th grade and my mom is mean and I can no longer privately speak to John Doe.”  So, the research project complete with presentations and discussions about appropriate online behavior has worked.  But I’m definitely a rookie mom at this.  I am new to navigating as a rule maker and protector of my daughter through the world of social media—a place she needs to be in order to socialize, and a place I want her to  be while she is at home, in my care, and receiving my support.

She has taken a one month sabbatical from Facebook because she has the lead in the school musical and wants no distractions as she prepares.  I am the one that shared the article that suggests a social media break as a New Year’s resolution, but it was her decision to remove it from her plate.  To show my support, I too am on a one month sabbatical from Facebook. 

When we return, I plan to assist her in organizing her 224 friends into lists and possibly cutting the number down to 50.  This will teach her more about navigating Facebook appropriately and will offer me an opportunity to get to know her contacts.

Now onto the task that is Google Plus.  I understand that users can protect their privacy by creating circles.  But yesterday I noticed a gentleman--whose profile picture displays a moment in time when he decided to lick his shoe--has added me to his “acquaintances” circle. 

Is there any way to prevent others from adding me to their circles?  And who will want to add my 13 year old daughter to theirs?

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Driving Online Without A License

Last year my young teen daughter began whining “I NEED A FACEBOOK!” at a pitch that would drive even the well-adjusted ear mad. This happened at least once a day with exponential growth occurring in how often and how loud this exclamation was heard.  On the rare occasion that she could calmly speak about the topic, her argument was that all her friends no longer used email or Google Buzz.  According to her, there was “. . . no way to keep in touch with everyone.” 

I found this a bit silly at first considering that I survived my teen years without the internet.  And yes, she no longer went to school with her closest friends, but she could always pick up the cell phone I provided for her.  And all of her new school friends lived within 2.5 miles of the house.  Why Facebook?

She exclaimed, “Everyone is on Facebook!”

She was right.  Even though I frequently discuss the perils of peer pressure, I could not see keeping her from the place where her friends were socializing.  It’s no longer at the corner pizza place, on the phone, or even via email.  Facebook is a necessity.

I did not want her to begin interacting on Facebook before she had a clear understanding of the responsibility tied to using technology for social networking.  If I said, “Here are the keys to the car,” before she had driver’s education, I would be off my rocker.  So here’s what I did:

I created a social media research project that had to be presented to me in order to open a Facebook account.  

The project included short essays and presentations on various topics concerning computer literacy and social media.  She wrote about the history of the computer, the internet, Apple vs. Microsoft, Facebook, Google, LAN and WAN, netiquette and Socialnomics.  Presentations were made using either a Microsoft Office or Web 2.0 tool.  

Photo Credit

She was very resistant to the project, but the desire to have a Facebook account outweighed her disdain for the idea of the work involved.  Because of her school work and activities, it took her three months to complete the entire list of project components.  And some I had her edit or do over until she illustrated she had an understanding of what she learned and how to apply it.  

Was it a lot of work?  Yes.  

Was it fun?  I am sure she would say, “No.”  But I disagree.

The video recorded interview that she did with her dad, a retail executive, for her presentation on Socialnomics, looked fun to me.  And her use of PowerPoint, Windows Live Movie Maker and Prezi for other presentations exhibited signs of fun and creativity.  She was also required to create a web page using Google Sites.  Even if she would not describe it as fun, I saw some excitement in her face when she was researching facts about the Beatles to include on her site.   

There was more complaining to endure when she reached the final component of the project because the required length was longer than the rest.  It was the most important entitled, 

How do I want the world to know me?

I explained that once she enters the world of social networking, she’s there forever.  Every post counts.  This is how everyone, all of the friends she wants to keep up with and the world, will know her.  There is no taking it back.  There is no chance of a verbal explanation of what she intended to communicate.  Posts online are Polaroid snapshots of her life on her permanent record.

She tackled the How I Want the World to Know Me presentation by using the web camera on her laptop.  She toted her open laptop around the house giving details about why she likes spending time in each part of the home.  This was clever.   Even though it is difficult to go unnoticed in this small house, I was pleasantly surprised by some of the specifics in her final edited video.

She was elated when the project was approved.  She squealed with excitement that she could finally become social again. She thought, “Project complete.  Facebook account opened.  Done.”

She was wrong.  I set up expectations for using Facebook.  Online safety is crucial. But this was more unpopular than the research project.  

Some of the guidelines I set are that I am to know her password, do random spot checks while she is online, and limit her time spent socially connected until after homework is done.  The time boundary is difficult because social media is a powerful collaborative tool for homework.  This is where coming into her room and peaking over her shoulder, or ‘spot checks’, becomes effective.

Online safety issues continue to emerge and evolve as she gets older and her circle of friends becomes larger.  I recommend setting a limit on the amount of friends your child has on Facebook.  I also recommend you know who your child is friends with on Facebook and know who she interacts with the most.  It’s not an easy task.  It takes time.  But remember, you can’t drive by the corner pizza shop to see if your kid is hanging out with the wrong crowd.  It’s online.

We can’t keep our kids from socializing online.  We need to support it just like every other stage of development.  This is our responsibility as global citizens.  We must not be afraid.

Even if your kids are already using social media, I encourage you to implement a research project.  The project can include how they use technology for socializing, school, and entertainment.  It will give them opportunities to try new applications, develop critical thinking skills, and become aware of online safety.  It will support the development of media literacy.

It may be fun to do a project with your child.  You can brush up on your knowledge of your home network, new software, and your own online persona.  But do not go back and look at your old MySpace profile.  That is, unless you want to show your kids what happens when you get the keys to the car without a license.